Saturday, May 2, 2009

Rookies versus Barbarians (grrrr)

What do you get when you mix a high femme white girl with black girl tendencies and gay softball? NOAH!

Holy shit...this kid today was taking every pitch as if the Barbarian pitcher were throwing shade instead of a ball. She smacked that softball so hard I heard the ball scream "fuck you biyatch" as it sailed over the East River into the Lower East Side. Noah hit that ball so hard that my panties got all moist and I almost took my boxer briefs off right there and threw them at her when she hit home plate. Whew lord!

I had a mixed game today...I smacked the ball really well a couple of times...but...once...I listened to Reggie a little bit too late...and ran to third when I should have stayed on second...I was tagged out. And then, the next time I smacked the ball, I managed to pull muscles in BOTH of my quads on my way to first base. But a bitch was a safe. I got a leg cramp halfway there and ran through it. I then became close personal friends with Ben Gay. I am now, officially, my Grandmother. Did I mention that I tried to blame my tag out at third on Reggie and Miss Mason let me have it with a ferocity matched only by the late, great, Nell Carter on a cheescake.

Of course, the absolute best play of the day came when the pitcher from the opposing team was running into home. Someone from the Rookies got the ball to Clay who then tagged home plate. Clay (I originally had Dan in this blog but Scott corrected me) then stood there facing the pitcher while Mason is screaming "TAG HIM! TAG HIM!" Both Clay (not Dan/not David) and the aforementioned pitcher realized at the same time that the pitcher was not actually out. And then, the pitcher, did the fucking splits shoving his foot between Clay's legs at the same time that Clay tagged him. The pitcher was called out...and even though I am on the Rookies and cheered at the call...I secretly thought that anyone that could do a full split on demand to try and score a point should get the damn point. I am all about delivery and form.

I swear, at one point, Joe was surrounded by the spirit of Bea Arthur and snatched a ball up out of the air and then Estelle Getty appeared in the clouds and gave her blessing on our entire team.

There were some shady calls made by the ump, including a fantastic play by Dan when he tagged out the Goliath Big Girl Who Smacked the Ball To Jupiter Every At Bat (that's his native name)...but the Goliath Big Girl Who Smacked the Ball To Jupiter Every At Bat was so damn big that even though Dan totally tagged his big ass out the ump, who was on the far side of Jupiter...called him safe...even though he was not. Reggie...our fearless queer leader...could not call on his powers as commissioner as he was busy checking out an outfielder during the play. She will be punished later.

And, of course, my very own David was fiercely supportive again...taking pictures...and making snacks...and he has promised to put out the end...makes him today's MVP.


  1. yo, Brandon... great recap, yet again. Hope that ointment doesn't turn you queer. One correction, though: that was Clay tagging out the pitcher, not Dan. Dan knows when to tag a bitch out, so nobody needs to yell at her.

  2. Scott: Thanks much love ;-) And thank you for the gentle correction. I will make it right away. Poor Dan...first I call him David...then I lay a Clay-ism on him.


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