Brandon's Twisted Nursery Rhymes: Sotted Scotty

I am most likely going straight to Hell for writing this one. But, here it is folks...my newest Twisted Nursery Rhyme...learn your lessons from Sotted Scotty.

Sotted Scotty

Scotty was a toddler drunk
he drank vodka from his sippy cup
he kept a jar of olives
inside his huggies
he made a dry martini
which was quite yummy
he learned to stumble
before he learned to walk
slurred speech
was how he learned to talk
he got a shaker set
for his first birthday
he drove his bigwheel
into an oak tree
drinking and trike-ing
had been his habit
in a sotted rage
he killed his stuffed rabbit

Scotty was the life of every party
he made bathtub gin
in his training potty
distilled brandy
in his toy chest
his sandbox rum was the best
a reknowned sommelier by the age of three
he could compose a wine list
before he could read
he was a good Irish lad
all agreed
that when it came to the drink
he was a drunk indeed

By the age of four Scotty was a mess
he could mix a high ball
but couldn't dress
himself or even tie his shoes
what was a toddler drunk to do
he started his morning with a raging hangover
by Noon he didn't know his own Mother
by Five he was passed out on the floor
by Midnight he was demanding more
whiskey, schnapps
it didn't matter
a buzz was all he was after
rubbing alcohol would do in a pinch
cough syrup if he couldn't get it
he had three beers for an appetizer
chased it with a fuzzy navel
he could drink anyone under the table
which is where they found him
one terrible day
Poor Scotty had drank until he passed away
his little face was puckered and red
there was an empty Wild Turkey bottle under his head
he used a beer label as a blankie
had his thumb in his mouth
he was just a baby
but the drink will kill you
no matter your age
so learn a lesson from Scotty
and put the scotch away.

Brandon's Twisted Nursery Rhymes: St. Sally of the Back Alley

Yet another new Twisted Nursery Rhyme...this is the last one that I am going to post for a while. David and I are going to work on this project over the coming months. He will be illustrating the poems, and we will be working on this as our next book project...stay tuned for illustrations from the book...and look for this book on the shelves sometime in the not so distant future ;-).

Saint Sally of the Back Alley

Little Sally wasn't all there
she had a pet dragonfly that lived in her hair
A family of voles lived in her shoes
she picked her nose
and drank shampoo
she lived in a bucket
above a dry cleaner's
one eye was blue
the other a bit greener
her teeth were bucked
much browner than white
she slept during the day
and stayed up all night

She only combed her hair
every other Tuesday
she talked to herself
and responded quite promptly
she never wore panties
had a dead snake for a belt
her pubic hair was so long
it was akin to a pelt
she braided it on Monday's
and she dredded it too
she listened to reggae
while she sniffed glue
she laughed when she farted
and sniffed her own rear
she ate what she found
growing in her own ears

She always flirted
with the rats in the alley
taught salsa to roaches
the girl was quite jolly
she walked on her hands
had callouses on her knuckles
she played cards with her shadow
crazy eights and pinochle
she had an old fiddle
used cat tails for strings
composed her own operas
but the girl couldn't sing

When people saw her
they would whisper and stare
people would point
and say that girl is not all there
but though Sally was simple
and Sally was crude
Sally was happy
how about you?