I saw a master at work tonight, and I was in awe.
Let me preach at you a minute for I have heard the true Word, and I must proselytize.
Tonight I met my best friend RJ at the Krispy Kreme at Penn Station. The Universe is a funny place where random things happen such as: I have a performance gig at Smith College, which was scheduled half a year ago...and...my best friend happens to be going to a conference in the same town over the same two days.
Now this might not sound so fantastic, except the town is Northampton, Massachusetts...not the largest or busiest of seaports in the world.
Anyway, so I meet RJ, our friend Ricardo, and their friend Tiffany at the train station. Our train was scheduled to depart at 6:43, but Amtrak decided to give Northwest Airlines a run for their title of Miss Delayed Travel, and we didn't leave NYC until almost 7:45. But, just to prove to NWA that Amtrak is indeed the Queen of Ridiculously Unexplainable Delays, we ended up stopping for another 30 or so minutes en route...once without explanation and another time to switch from an electric to a diesel engine.
But the magic happened about 45 minutes before we got to Springfield, MA. Tiffany, a young and rakish queer Puerto Rican gal, was talking about how her organization had basically put her pussy on lock because she tends to take Conference Whoring to new levels, and so they banned her from having her own hotel room. Not to be thwarted, Tiffany clicked her titties together, spun around in a circle, and turned into Joy the Super Player.
Joy gets up to go to the refreshment car and comes back with two bottles of vodka and a girl. Say what? Now the three boys were unsure if said hotty Long Island Italian/Puerto Rican girl was straight or not. But The Super Player, in less than five minutes, not only got the girl to fess up to having a special bib that she only wore for eating pussy but also Joy ended up laying down the law, via telephone, to this random girl on the train's stalker that called a couple of times while we were sitting together.
I was in fucking awe.
I mean for real. In less than 30 minutes, Tiffany cum Joy had met a girl, had a cocktail somewhere in rural Massachusetts, exchanged phone numbers, got a Queer Confession, and is probably right now laying face down in a Puerto Rican girl with legs in spread eagle v-formation.
Joy is my Goddess.
This trip has gotten off to a great start. I can't wait to hit the dyke bar tomorrow night after my show.
Lube it up ladies, my girl Joy got a tongue of steel (or callouses).
Showing posts with label Lesbian. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lesbian. Show all posts
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Saturday, August 22, 2009
I Got a Vagina on my Left Testicle
Ok. So. It isn't actually a vagina. But it does kind of look like a little pink vajajay. Let me be clear, I have no envy of the miracle of life. I don't have vagina envy. I have never wished for a clitoris or a visit from the "monthlies." I don't see pregnant women and hate them for their ability to bring forth new human beings. Actually, when I see pregnant women during the summer months, I want to shake them and tell them to wait until winter before getting knocked up next time. It's just too damn hot to walk around with an extra person floating around in ones midsection.
No no, my little, rapidly shrinking (to use the word of my ex boyfriend who couldn't remember how to say the "C" word in English) cunk, is actually the left over remains of a staph infection on my left teste.
Talk about disgusting (the staph infection, not vaginas. Vaginas are a gift from God and should not be disparaged, particularly by stupid sexist men).
At the end of last week, I was just minding my own business when I started to get a fever. Both Thursday and Friday I felt like a big old ball of crap. My caca levels were extremely high. Then I noticed that my left nut had basically doubled in size. By Saturday, I was feverish, and I noticed that my nut had started to grow a mouth.
That's when I recognized the little beast for what it was. A staph infection. I had a staph infection once before...on my elbow and on my leg. The first time it showed up, I had no idea what the hell it was. I named it the Lump. That time, it didn't "open" by itself...and by open I mean it didn't create a fissure from which brilliant neon lime slime oozed out. That time, on the 4th of July, as I could hear the rockets red glare and all that shit, I took a cab to the emergency room, and the doctor shot my giant lump with Novocaine (aka liquid fucking fire)...and then sliced into it...and tried to suck out some of the juice with a plastic syringe.
That was about as fun as being fisted by Elizabeth Hasselbeck wearing Michael Jackson's glitter glove and holding a handful of rusted nails dipped in rattlesnake venom.
So, once I knew what this little (aka softball sized) nut affliction happened to be...it was off to the doctor. Before I left, however, I went to war on the nut. I squeezed it, and squashed it, and finally, using my bare hands, grabbed a handful of the banana slug that had taken up residency in my crotch, and yanked it out.
And there, left behind, was a vagina.
I stared, fascinated, at a 1/3 inch deep hole that was about a half an inch long. I had no idea there was that much space and/or meat between the surface of my nut sac and the actual testicle itself. The poor teste had fled to a lower part of the nut sac and was huddled against its twin brother, attempting to break through the pouch wall, and move into the other half of my ball sac.
The doctor actually told me that I was lucky that it had opened on my own cuz, in her words, "it saved me a cut."
The thought of an ER resident coming at my balls with a scalpel after, perhaps, a recent rough breakup from her long term boyfriend that she caught mounting a charge nurse, almost made me flee from the ER before getting my prescription for nuclear antibiotics. I figured I would take my chance with the flesh eating bacteria over the over worked, exhausted, bitter, Asian girl who might decided to buck the model minority stereotype and go all Nip/Tuck on me.
Now, less than a week after being on antibiotics, my little vagina is almost gone. Where once was a giant angry girl with a guitar vagina...oozing spooge and waving at passersby...is now a cute little innocent virgin vagina....not yet knowing the evils of the world and men...cute...pink...and gentle.
I will be happy when my little foray into intersexuality is gone.
Until then...I guess I get to check another box on demographic forms.
The human body is an amazing thing.
No no, my little, rapidly shrinking (to use the word of my ex boyfriend who couldn't remember how to say the "C" word in English) cunk, is actually the left over remains of a staph infection on my left teste.
Talk about disgusting (the staph infection, not vaginas. Vaginas are a gift from God and should not be disparaged, particularly by stupid sexist men).
At the end of last week, I was just minding my own business when I started to get a fever. Both Thursday and Friday I felt like a big old ball of crap. My caca levels were extremely high. Then I noticed that my left nut had basically doubled in size. By Saturday, I was feverish, and I noticed that my nut had started to grow a mouth.
That's when I recognized the little beast for what it was. A staph infection. I had a staph infection once before...on my elbow and on my leg. The first time it showed up, I had no idea what the hell it was. I named it the Lump. That time, it didn't "open" by itself...and by open I mean it didn't create a fissure from which brilliant neon lime slime oozed out. That time, on the 4th of July, as I could hear the rockets red glare and all that shit, I took a cab to the emergency room, and the doctor shot my giant lump with Novocaine (aka liquid fucking fire)...and then sliced into it...and tried to suck out some of the juice with a plastic syringe.
That was about as fun as being fisted by Elizabeth Hasselbeck wearing Michael Jackson's glitter glove and holding a handful of rusted nails dipped in rattlesnake venom.
So, once I knew what this little (aka softball sized) nut affliction happened to be...it was off to the doctor. Before I left, however, I went to war on the nut. I squeezed it, and squashed it, and finally, using my bare hands, grabbed a handful of the banana slug that had taken up residency in my crotch, and yanked it out.
And there, left behind, was a vagina.
I stared, fascinated, at a 1/3 inch deep hole that was about a half an inch long. I had no idea there was that much space and/or meat between the surface of my nut sac and the actual testicle itself. The poor teste had fled to a lower part of the nut sac and was huddled against its twin brother, attempting to break through the pouch wall, and move into the other half of my ball sac.
The doctor actually told me that I was lucky that it had opened on my own cuz, in her words, "it saved me a cut."
The thought of an ER resident coming at my balls with a scalpel after, perhaps, a recent rough breakup from her long term boyfriend that she caught mounting a charge nurse, almost made me flee from the ER before getting my prescription for nuclear antibiotics. I figured I would take my chance with the flesh eating bacteria over the over worked, exhausted, bitter, Asian girl who might decided to buck the model minority stereotype and go all Nip/Tuck on me.
Now, less than a week after being on antibiotics, my little vagina is almost gone. Where once was a giant angry girl with a guitar vagina...oozing spooge and waving at passersby...is now a cute little innocent virgin vagina....not yet knowing the evils of the world and men...cute...pink...and gentle.
I will be happy when my little foray into intersexuality is gone.
Until then...I guess I get to check another box on demographic forms.
The human body is an amazing thing.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Right. Rev. Bishop Robinson's Invocation
Hey folks I received this as an email and decided to repost it here
As many of you know, the Right Rev. Gene Robinson, the openly Gay Episcopal Bishop of New Hampshire , gave the opening prayer at yesterday's Lincoln Memorial event. It was the first event in the inaugural festivities this year. HBO, which had paid for exclusive rights to the event chose not to broadcast Bishop Robinson's prayer. So if you watched there you wouldn't have caught it or even known that it occurred. NPR didn't air it either. There's no record of it in images placed on the sites of Getty Images, New York Times and the Washington Post.
It's a complete erasure of his ever having delivered the prayer.
Such is the continuing policy of silence and erasure we have to live with from people who should know better. We are used to this. If you know your queer history this has happened again and again. In fact this little list-serve is really about recovering the truth in our history and celebrating it.
So we're going to celebrate it by providing here the full text of Bishop Robinson's prayer. I suggest you forward this around so that everyone has a chance to enjoy it.
------------ --------- --------
Opening Inaugural Event
Lincoln Memorial, Washington , DC
January 18, 2009
Delivered by the Right Reverend V. Gene Robinson:
"Welcome to Washington ! The fun is about to begin, but first, please join me in pausing for a moment, to ask God's blessing upon our nation and our next president.
O God of our many understandings, we pray that you will…
Bless us with tears – for a world in which over a billion people exist on less than a dollar a day, where young women from many lands are beaten and raped for wanting an education, and thousands die daily from malnutrition, malaria, and AIDS.
Bless us with anger – at discrimination, at home and abroad, against refugees and immigrants, women, people of color, gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people.
Bless us with discomfort – at the easy, simplistic "answers" we've preferred to hear from our politicians, instead of the truth, about ourselves and the world, which we need to face if we are going to rise to the challenges of the future.
Bless us with patience – and the knowledge that none of what ails us will be "fixed" anytime soon, and the understanding that our new president is a human being, not a messiah.
Bless us with humility – open to understanding that our own needs must always be balanced with those of the world.
Bless us with freedom from mere tolerance – replacing it with a genuine respect and warm embrace of our differences, and an understanding that in our diversity, we are stronger.
Bless us with compassion and generosity – remembering that every religion's God judges us by the way we care for the most vulnerable in the human community, whether across town or across the world.
And God, we give you thanks for your child Barack, as he assumes the office of President of the United States .
Give him wisdom beyond his years, and inspire him with Lincoln 's reconciling leadership style, President Kennedy's ability to enlist our best efforts, and Dr. King's dream of a nation for ALL the people.
Give him a quiet heart, for our Ship of State needs a steady, calm captain in these times.
Give him stirring words, for we will need to be inspired and motivated to make the personal and common sacrifices necessary to facing the challenges ahead.
Make him color-blind, reminding him of his own words that under his leadership, there will be neither red nor blue states, but the United States .
Help him remember his own oppression as a minority, drawing on that experience of discrimination, that he might seek to change the lives of those who are still its victims.
Give him the strength to find family time and privacy, and help him remember that even though he is president, a father only gets one shot at his daughters' childhoods.
And please, God, keep him safe. We know we ask too much of our presidents, and we're asking FAR too much of this one. We know the risk he and his wife are taking for all of us, and we implore you, O good and great God, to keep him safe. Hold him in the palm of your hand – that he might do the work we have called him to do, that he might find joy in this impossible calling, and that in the end, he might lead us as a nation to a place of integrity, prosperity and peace.
AMEN."
As many of you know, the Right Rev. Gene Robinson, the openly Gay Episcopal Bishop of New Hampshire , gave the opening prayer at yesterday's Lincoln Memorial event. It was the first event in the inaugural festivities this year. HBO, which had paid for exclusive rights to the event chose not to broadcast Bishop Robinson's prayer. So if you watched there you wouldn't have caught it or even known that it occurred. NPR didn't air it either. There's no record of it in images placed on the sites of Getty Images, New York Times and the Washington Post.
It's a complete erasure of his ever having delivered the prayer.
Such is the continuing policy of silence and erasure we have to live with from people who should know better. We are used to this. If you know your queer history this has happened again and again. In fact this little list-serve is really about recovering the truth in our history and celebrating it.
So we're going to celebrate it by providing here the full text of Bishop Robinson's prayer. I suggest you forward this around so that everyone has a chance to enjoy it.
------------ --------- --------
Opening Inaugural Event
Lincoln Memorial, Washington , DC
January 18, 2009
Delivered by the Right Reverend V. Gene Robinson:
"Welcome to Washington ! The fun is about to begin, but first, please join me in pausing for a moment, to ask God's blessing upon our nation and our next president.
O God of our many understandings, we pray that you will…
Bless us with tears – for a world in which over a billion people exist on less than a dollar a day, where young women from many lands are beaten and raped for wanting an education, and thousands die daily from malnutrition, malaria, and AIDS.
Bless us with anger – at discrimination, at home and abroad, against refugees and immigrants, women, people of color, gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people.
Bless us with discomfort – at the easy, simplistic "answers" we've preferred to hear from our politicians, instead of the truth, about ourselves and the world, which we need to face if we are going to rise to the challenges of the future.
Bless us with patience – and the knowledge that none of what ails us will be "fixed" anytime soon, and the understanding that our new president is a human being, not a messiah.
Bless us with humility – open to understanding that our own needs must always be balanced with those of the world.
Bless us with freedom from mere tolerance – replacing it with a genuine respect and warm embrace of our differences, and an understanding that in our diversity, we are stronger.
Bless us with compassion and generosity – remembering that every religion's God judges us by the way we care for the most vulnerable in the human community, whether across town or across the world.
And God, we give you thanks for your child Barack, as he assumes the office of President of the United States .
Give him wisdom beyond his years, and inspire him with Lincoln 's reconciling leadership style, President Kennedy's ability to enlist our best efforts, and Dr. King's dream of a nation for ALL the people.
Give him a quiet heart, for our Ship of State needs a steady, calm captain in these times.
Give him stirring words, for we will need to be inspired and motivated to make the personal and common sacrifices necessary to facing the challenges ahead.
Make him color-blind, reminding him of his own words that under his leadership, there will be neither red nor blue states, but the United States .
Help him remember his own oppression as a minority, drawing on that experience of discrimination, that he might seek to change the lives of those who are still its victims.
Give him the strength to find family time and privacy, and help him remember that even though he is president, a father only gets one shot at his daughters' childhoods.
And please, God, keep him safe. We know we ask too much of our presidents, and we're asking FAR too much of this one. We know the risk he and his wife are taking for all of us, and we implore you, O good and great God, to keep him safe. Hold him in the palm of your hand – that he might do the work we have called him to do, that he might find joy in this impossible calling, and that in the end, he might lead us as a nation to a place of integrity, prosperity and peace.
AMEN."
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