Some of My Best Friends Are White

As a matter of fact two of my best friends are white and the third is black. So using Mendelian genetics, I think that actually makes one of the white friends mulatto.

But seriously, I love white people. I let some white people carve pumpkins in my house last night AND I let them use my bathroom. My Mom is white, and I don't hold that against her (anymore), and I sleep with a white man every night...and now that the Summer has ended he gets paler by the day. I am thinking about getting him a sun lamp before his skin gets any whiter and he starts reflecting light.

I think white people are very articulate. They are funny (that Kathy Griffin is a riot). And they sure are a musical people (N'Sync rules!). And boy oh boy can they move...I mean those white folks on Dancing with the Stars are AMAZING. And considering how queer I am, you know I appreciate all those Rogers and Hammerstein/Stephen Sondheim Broadway tunes. Thank you White America!

But seriously, a good friend of mine (he's white)....noted that I had been directing my anger lately at the shenanigans of white people. And truthfully between Glen Beck and Perez Hilton (I know, I know, that one is Cuban, but the Latino community voted to strip her of her Latinidad until she stops speaking in any public forum)...anyway...from Glen Beck and Lou Dobs to that idiot in Arizona with the "sweat lodge," white folks have been pissing me off a lot lately. But, I am an equal opportunity bitch master, and so yesterday I had to call out a dumbfuck black woman that was more worried about her food stamps than she was about the fact that she left two children in a house that caught on fire killing one of the kids.

And, frankly, since Obama took office many white people have decided that we are living in a post-race America. I still haven't gotten my 40 acres and a mule or a check for my share of 400 years of free labor by my ancestors (plus interest)...so just as soon as I get me a stretch of prime downtown Manhattan real estate and a check for roughly $1 billion dollars (I will cut the IRS a deal and settle their back taxes bill for a cool half-billion)...I will declare the United States to be post race. Until then, I am going to continue to write about the laughable yet sad attempts by racial terrorists to kill Barack Obama (there have been at least three plots foiled that I know about...curse those kids and that dog!)...until Lou Dobbs is yanked from CNN by his balls for his vilification and racist diatribes against undocumented immigrants...until Don Imus is dunked in a vat of Pink Lotion for daring to refer to black women as nappy headed...until transgender women of color are no longer targeted by white men for sexploitation and murder...until white privilege is a history lesson instead of an object lesson on racial reality....until no justice of the peace DARES to decline to marry a mixed-race couple...until white folks can tell me apart from Tiger Woods, Barack Obama, and Derek Jeter...until the day I die...I am most likely going to be on the case of white folks like...well...white on rice.

I love you white people, I just don't love what you do (sometimes). And I know that all white people are not guilty for the sins of the idiot few, which is why I rail against specific incidents as opposed to white folks in general. And I totally think that white people should be allowed to sit anywhere on the bus they want....just as long as its in the back.

Just kidding. Rosa Parks wouldn't like that at all.

This blog is dedicated to Divine Grace...one of the most awesome white people I know.

One Liner of the Week Award: Renee Humphries

Lo and behold! There were many moons between the previous One Liner of the Week Award (given to the brilliant Yuval Sheer) and the one previous to that. Perhaps levity had suffered its own Mercury in retrograde, perhaps the ban on travel to Cuba had been extended, secretly, to smart-assery. It is one of the great mysteries of the Universe...like the origin of life and the purpose of bologna.

Yet, a wonder of wonders has occurred, Renee Humphries has dazzled mine funny bone with her quip yestereve.

We were having a lively Perez Hilton bashing session. After a particularly vibrant slam down of Perez by yours truly, dearest Renee expressed her appreciation saying,

"Brandon, you make my day almost daily. I just adore you."

That was very sweet of her. Then she continued,

"Too bad you're up in the trees with the fruit and not down here in the pond with the fishes."

Oh. My. God.

And that, my dears is how you win the One Liner of the Week Award. Congratulations Lady Humphries.

Tell The Damn Truth

I am not sure if you all have noticed, but the Republicans are doing every damn thing they can possibly do, short of drawing a pentagram in virgin blood and opening the Hell-Mouth, to stop health care reform from happening.

Joe Wilson of South Carolina is a member of the Sons of Confederacy, tried like Hell to keep the Confederate Flag flying on TOP of the South Carolina State Capitol building, and his sons are all shocked and awed because Jimmy Carter told the damn truth and said that Rep. Wilson is a racist sommamabitch.

John Boehner, House Republic leader, perpetually lives with his head up his ass and hasn't come up with one viable or original piece of legislation since Big Daddy Bush left office. He basically spends his time jacking off on the hopper whenever a Democrat executes the duties of his office and proposes legislation. Hooked on phonics didn't work for him. I am not even sure the man can read English, though I am sure he has portions of Mein Kempf set to memory.

Sarah Palin is off somewhere in the wilds of Alaska plotting her next round of public crazy.

Dennis Kucinich voted AGAINST censuring crazy ass Joe Wilson's YOU LIE outburst at the joint session of Congress. What the HELL has he been smoking in Ohio. I know the man is about as Green as a Democrat can get, but he needs to lay off that Humboldt County shit while Congress is in session.

Serena Williams lost her damn mind at the U.S. Open, cussed out a line ref and then half-assed apologized for it (in her defense, it was a shitty call, but she didn't have to go all ape shit booga booga over it...she still walked away with $350,000).

And don't EVEN get me started on Kanye West's crazy ass. OBVIOUSLY, he and Dennis Kucinich were hanging out mainlining Draino or something cuz his Prime Time Ass Showing Extravaganza at the VMA's was a historic low in Black History.

And lord I am trying to be a saint today, but I just heard that Perez Hilton is producing a music tour and is launching his own label...what's it going to be called? Here's a title suggestion, "I'm A Fat Disgusting Ignorant No Talent White Boy Wanna Be With Bad Hair and Horse Teeth Records."

This here country has me so riled up that I am announcing the launch of my own damn weekly VBlog called Brandon Tells The Damn Truth.

Every Friday, I will be releasing a 20 minute or so video show via our friends at YouTube where I review the news of the week, active the Bullshit-o-meter and tell you the damn truth behind the headlines.

Watch out America...I am like Opera but broke and Wendy Williams with class....this is going to be some live shit.

The Court of My Opinion

In reality, my opinion is worth about as much as a pound of pigs knuckles.

But that has never stopped me from sharing it.

This evening, I had my first encounter with the New York court system. No, no, Perez Hilton is still alive and breathing and being stupid somewhere in the world. As much as I fantasize about putting his dangly bits in my Cuisinart and pushing puree, it is highly unlikely that I will be the one to do him in. My money is on his parents.

No, tonight I showed up for moral support for my best friend who is being sued by his ex boyfriend/my ex friend, for a stupid amount of money from when they were together. That story is not mine to tell, so I shan't tell it. But let me just say that this small claims is so stupid and so dumb and so frivolous that it makes me want to vote Republican and start screaming about tort reform at a Town Hall meeting on health care.

Instead, I am going to talk about our experience tonight.

First of all, let me say that there are some people in the world that need to grow the hell up. Now, I understand in a messy divorce people that were close to a couple will take sides now and again, particularly if the couple had been together for say 7 years or so. But, my best friend's ex brought a woman with him with whom he works to the courthouse today. Now, I have met this woman exactly once. We got along just peachily. Tonight, as I was going to get a drink of water from the fountain, she stared me down and gave me stank eye as if I am the one that killed Jean Benet Ramsey.

Bitch please.

This white girl with a chip on her shoulder better recognize that only the grace of God, and my naturally sweet disposition kept her from getting read like the Bible at a Southern Baptist tent meeting. I didn't break off my friendship with my best friend's ex. He didn't get an invitation to a cocktail party I threw last winter, shortly after the break up, at which my best friend and his current boyfriend were to be. For this sin, I was declared toxic and in the darkness, and he shunned me like an Amish that bought an electric can opener. Old girl, his side kick in misery, had the nerve to toss shade at me with both hands. I smiled and laughed and engaged my joy. But the next time I see her, she had better take off her earrings and Vaseline up her face, cuz it's on like Donkey Kong up in this borough.

But she didn't have anything on the damn court clerk.

So this evening, my bestie had the option of going directly to arbitration with court appointed attorneys but without the right to appeal. He had the right to demand a trial before a judge with the right to appeal. And he had the opportunity to enter a counter claim.

Considering the level of assininess of his ex, I thoroughly encouraged him to register a call of "by the court," and take this shit to trial. If his ex wants to play Beau coup the Fool up in this piece, it is entirely within my BFF's rights to make sure that he exercises his entire range of personal liberties and protects his name and credit as best he can.

So, after entering a claim of by the court, the clerk calls my bestie and his exie off to the side. He attempts to arm twist and persuade the parties to agree to arbitration aka a decision that would not take into consideration the real facts of the situation and would probably end with my bro owing money to this poop deck heathen that he doesn't really owe. So, before making a final decision, my pal came back to consult with me and his man. We encouraged him to move forward with a court date. And lord have mercy, you would have thought we had talked about the Court Clerk's mama, cuz this big old Paula Deen deep fried chitterlings eatin' bowl of lard and Bisquick got all swollen up (or more swollen up). shook his head, and declared..."You gave him BAD advice. I mean it bad advice."

Ummm excuse me. It was bad advice only in that the court is overburdened and your job has nothing to do with encouraging an individual to make an informed choice about exercising their Constitutional rights and everything to do with making sure Judge Judy gets out in time to make her mani/pedi.

I love how everyone that works in the criminal justice system and civil justice system act as if the rest of us are morons with no understanding of right/wrong or how the system works. And court clerks are the worst...they are power hungry, power wielding little vipers with an associates degree, love handles, bad skin, and in desperate need of a fuck that doesn't involve a hand, a power tool, or an exchange of currency.

Actually, let me be specific...the clerk tonight was one of those people. I am sure there are perfectly lovely and sweet and justice minded court clerks in the world. I also believe in Santa Claus, fairies, ghosts, and the Resurrection of Christ. But I ain't seen any of them (except a ghost...I did see a ghost once).

In the end, though my opinion may count for about as much as an opposition vote in an Iranian national election, I have convened the court of my opinion, and in the case of Court Clerk v. Stupidity, I find the clerk guilty as charged.

Patience is a Virtue I Never Got

I have decided to write a series of blogs on life's various virtues. I figured I would begin with the virtue of which I have none: Patience.

Other than having immense control over when I ejaculate, I have little other patience in my life. I am a firm believer that instant gratification should be faster than instant. There are times when waiting for a web page to load on my computer that I am possessed by an insane rage and desire to punch my fist through the screen, should it take longer than I believe is appropriate. (I once upon a time had a 2400 baud dial up modem...it is a wonder that I made it through high school without poppin' a vein in my skull).

It is more likely, in any given situation, that Perez Hilton and Will.i.am would give each other blow jobs than I am to be overly patient.

Actually...let me clarify...Perez would totally blow Will.i.am, and, in the right circumstances, I can be patient.

Take, for example, my current living situation. Yesterday, the "roommate" declared that he isn't moving out. When I made it clear that I was resentful and angry that not only was he breaking his word but also that since he hadn't paid full rent in, perhaps, years...I was particularly upset that I was being forced to pay to subsidize the living situation of a man that I loathe. I spoke calmly and clearly. I made it clear that there was a direct connection between my feelings of disgust for the man and the fact that he is not only comfortably but eagerly and consciously taking advantage of both David and I, lying to the state to get welfare benefits, and a destructive force in our home and in our lives (did I mention that he snuck and registered the dog that he and David got TOGETHER with the state...under his name...did I also mention that David has paid for the dogs food, care, and vet bills...oh yeah...except the $300+ vet bill from last month...which I paid).

But I am patient. You see...in this situation...one where an individual is most blatantly and clearly committing an injustice, is blissfully ok with his behavior, and is unwilling to see how it is fundamentally wrong...it can only turn out one way. And my sweet love David, in order to help remind us of this fact, did something wonderful yesterday. David put up, all over the house, great little cards that I got from my best friend RJ. Each card has a picture of a lotus blossom and the words "Nam-myoho-renge-kyo," on it. That means, "I commit myself to the cosmic law of cause and effect as expressed through sound." Today, the roommate came in and asked me what the cards where and what they meant. I was MORE than happy to translate for him.

You see I believe in karma. Science believes in karma. There is a scientific law that says for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction (Newton's Third Law). It is the rule that guides everything in our universe. In terms of human actions: what one puts out one gets back.

I am sure that this situation is one where I am fulfilling a cosmic debt that I owe. But, acting with integrity and (key word) patience, I know that everything will work out not only right but also justly in the end. I feel sorry and pity for the man that knowingly and willingly, without regard for anyone else, commits unjust acts against others while claiming to desire friendship. I have a deep sadness that my partner is being torn apart by this other persons behavior and by the fact that for perhaps the first time, he will be unable to remain friends with someone he once loved...especially after 10 years with that person. But I know, in the end, it will be as the good book says..."Ye shall reap what ye sow."

And he has sown a shit storm in a land mine covered in Agent Orange and napalm. Pay back is a bitch. I have the patience to wait for that.

I Want to Punch Perez Hilton In The Face Too!

Every day you have to take the good with the ugly. Sometimes there is a dash of the down right ridiculous in the mix that makes you step back, have a shot of something to blind your sperm, and start again.

Today was one of those days. I am going to alternate the good, the ugly, and the ridiculous.

Let's start with the good.

This afternoon I was communicating with an acquaintance of mine, Sñr. Noris Chavarria, when he told me that he had just been looking at my blog. Now, I just met Noris week before last at the Sol Awards Gala at the Battery Park Cafe. I was impressed that he had come across my blog, so I asked him where he had encountered it. He told me that he had come across it on another blog, MiApogeo.com. Curious, I tuned my browser to MiApogeo.com, which is an amazing pan-Latino news source on the web, only to find a listing of the top seven LGBT Latin@ bloggers to watch. I was listed as #2 right after my friend and compay Andrés Duque. I almost shit myself in surprise. I was listed with other blogosphere luminaries as Charlie Vázquez of Spittles the Clown fame, and Gloria Nieto, who I met when I was barely 21 years old and had fallen in dire love with Lonnie Tapia, one of Gloria's protégés in New Mexico.

That was definitely a highlight of the day. But, hand in hand with a taste of glory comes a little reality to keep you grounded.

This weekend past, I received my benefits package from Bard College. Now, one of my regular bitching moments is about David and the fact that he hasn't had health care since leeching was a popular practice. In order to add David to my health care plan,we had to sign a statement assuring Blue Cross Blue Shield that we are, indeed, domestic partners. It was necessary for us to take said form to a notary public and sign it in front of said notary. We can't get married but we have to jump through hoops and rope cattle to get a decent dental plan. Anywho, during our first trip to Chase this morning to do our due diligence, I had forgotten my ID, and so it was a no go. Mission aborted. Fall back, regroup and plan a new route of attack.

Basically, we decided to come back after nap time.

So, after David had lapsed into unconsciousness after a particularly grueling hell day at the gym, we ventured back to Chase. I had my ID, we signed the form, said “I do,” and badda bing badda boom...we were an official couple in the eyes of God and Empire Blue Cross Blue Shield. Amen.

David was so tickled that he loosened his death grip on the debit card and suggested we amplify my summer wardrobe beyond the two pair of shorts I had that I purchased two summers ago. We swung through Daffy's, which owes me new retinas from the assault on my eyes from the ultraviolet and ultra ugly clothing they had on the rack. We decided to try our luck at Old Slavy, excuse me, Old Navy instead. Now, we had carried our precious declaration of domestic partnership form in a manila envelope, which also held extra copies of a document I had created for a work meeting last evening. I was holding the envelope, wondering why I was carrying around said extra documents, when I suggested to David that we just chuck the thing. He said that he would carry it as he didn't want to waste paper. I poo-pooed him and dropped the envelope in a trash receptacle at the NQRW stop at 57th and 7th.

We got to 14th Street and Union Square when we realized that our notarized love declaration was inside the abandoned envelope.

Talk about STOOOOOPID.

We hopped the train, retrieved the document, and decided that God didn't want me to have new shorts if he was willing to let me do something as dumbass as all that business.

We headed home, and I finished up my work day. It was then that I was told the second best news of the day:

This weekend, Perez Hilton was punched dead in his eye by Will.I.Am and his bodyguard for talking smack about the latest Black Eyed Peas CD.

From deep inside me welled up a great feeling of diabolical joy....from my toes to my cockles to my cock, I was rigid with delight. I was immediately filled with a joyous jealousy...joyous that he had gotten his fat ass ugly bitchtastic face smacked...jealous because I wanted to smack the hell out of him too.

A girl can dream. But...the joy could only last for a short time.

My best friend and I have been like two ships passing in the night or two trains on a Metro rail line in DC. I haven't decided which one yet.

I had plans tonight to meet RJ at five til seven at Sokka Gokkai International in the village for gongyo (chanting). RJ and I have been trying to see each other, without success, for several weeks now. RJ and Noel have been dealing with some difficult family stuff lately, so I left home early, stopped at the Trader Joe's Wine Shop and picked up a gift bottle of wine for RJ. I arrived at SGI five minutes earlier than I was expected. 6:55 came and went. At 6:57 I sent RJ a text asking him where he was. At 7:05 I went upstairs, late, for the service. I sat in the back, so I could scan the crowd and keep an eye on the door in case he came in. The service ended, and I left. I sent RJ a text saying that I hoped he was OK, but I was on my way home.

He finally responded, once I was on the train, saying that he had been at gongyo. I told him that I had waited for 15 minutes for him before going in, and he let me know that he had gone in early and had been chanting. DOH! I didn't see him inside, and we missed each other...again. I am going to go and sit outside of his damn house and wait for him to come out because, at this point, this is ridiculous.

Anywho. I came home, made a delectable din din, poured a glass of wine, and wrote this blog.

I still want to punch Perez Hilton in the face.

PS I forgot to mention that there was a hot Latino Daddy at the gym today that had an ass I would have happily pounded so hard he would have had to order a new assring when I was finished with him...that is until, in the locker room, I saw him checking out David's ass...and when he saw me see him checking out David's most definitely eye candy worthy ass...Mr. Hot Latin Daddy lost his damn mind and rolled his eyes at me. Cabron puto hijo de una maldita chingada!

I would still fuck him, but I would have to beat his ass afterwards. Some gays have no damn common sense.

Eminem Eats Ass

I saw it with my own eyes. An angel with the ass of Sascha Baron Cohen decended from heaven in the midst of the MTV music awards and landed directly in Eminem's face. After a moment of hestitation...in front of millions of viewers from around the world...Eminmen buried his face in that God's gift and shoved his tongue so far in Borat's bootie that he could taste the grit from Uzbekistan in the back of Sascha's throat.

Then...realizing that he had popped major (or minor as the case was) wood in front of his homeboys...and that Dr. Dre had gotten a visible stiffy too...Eminmen...fighting that great beast Internalized Homophobia, quickly whipped it out, jerked off, shot on Borat's back, zipped up, signaled to his body guards and split. From the initial unzip to the zip up took roughly 14 seconds.

Later that evening, in an interview with TMZ, Eminmen claimed that the entire incident was due to a wardrobe malfunction with his zipper, that he was straight as hell, and that he was very angry at Sascha Baron Cohen. He indicated they would be meeting at a private, members only club called Steamworks to have a conversation about the incident and iron things out.

Details to follow.

Fuck Eminem.

I don't give a flying fuck that he happened to get sober with the help of Elton John. Sir Elton's only interest was in getting to hold onto Eminems tight little body while he came down from his latest hit. Eminem is a homophobic biyatch who has been no friend to the queer community. I don't care if the stunt was planned. I still want to punch Eminmen in the face. The fact that it was planned means that he thinks it's ok to promote homophobia and heterosexism as a joke.

I repeat. Fuck Eminem.

I am so tired of homophobic hip hop (and reggae) artists from Kingston, Jaimaca to Jaimaca, Queens throwing shade, advocating, violence against queer folks, and then...when they realize that the music business is chock full of faggotry...make some half-assed public recant and expect us all to go back to loving their asses. Eat my ass.

It is time that we turn to supporting queer hip hop artists that are holding it down on their own. Folks like my friends Invincible and Torri Fixx. Artists that spit hype shit, make their own beats, write their own lyrics, and all without having to denigrate women, queer folks or themselves in order to make music or a dollar. How about this...nothing makes you less than a man to be afraid of other men and the feelings you have. Running away from yourself or anyone else out of undeserved fear is an act of cowardice and has no place in a principled person. Now what.

I will be bold enough to say that Eminem has had more dick in his ass than Perez Hilton. And we all know Perez is a piggy poppered up power bottom that has "Abandon all hope ye who enter here" tattoed above his brown winker and a lower intestine with a permafrost layer of rotted jizz.

Damn...I grossed myself out with that last one.

I say...God bless Sascha Baron Cohen. Mazel Tov. You are my guardian angel.

Update: My friend Thomas Leavitt told me about another kick ass queer hip hop artist by the name of Juba Kalamka...support Juba as well!

I Hate Perez Hilton

I pretty much hate Perez Hilton. Well, hate may be a strong word, but I hate the entire concept of celebrity spokes people that are spokespeople for an entire community based on...well...their celebrity.

Yesterday, I was in the midst of my daily combination of cardio torture and CNN, when Miss California took the stage. It was like watching a toddler pulling a giant booger out of his nose. You watch in horror as the juicy, green, jiggling gelatinous mass makes its way from the kids nostril slowly into the child's mouth, where he slowly chews the mucus gum before swallowing. You know it is a hideous and disgusting habit, but you can't turn away even as your face tries to pull away from its bones and your stomach begins to roil. That is the exact look that CNN Newsroom anchor Tony Harris had on his face when, after a few minutes, he cut back to the newsroom saying, “I think that is quite enough of that.”

I couldn't agree more...except....EXCEPT...Perez Hilton's crazy ass was on CNN last night pushing again for Miss California to respond further regarding her comments regarding gay marriage. Listen up Perez...the woman is against gay marriage. She didn't get crowned Miss America. She almost lost her Miss California crown. She only continues to have importance because YOU-- a jumped up member of the paparazzi-- continue to give her importance. She is vacuous flesh bag that is entitled to her opinion, no matter how wrong it may be, but by continuing to bring her into the public spotlight you take valuable air time from shit that really matters. As a matter of fact, I would rather watch a video of the kid eating the booger on infinite loop on every channel on the planet than see Perez Hilton's face on ANY news source from CNN to TMZ ever again.

.
If you think I am resentful, you should have seen the look on Tony Harris' face.

Basically, this is why I am not pleased: once again a quasi intelligent human being with a talent (his happens to be semi-witty commentary on tinsel town glitterati) has somehow been catapulted into a position where he is the face of a movement. I have never seen Perez Hilton in a room wondering how to get young people to a lobby day or making sandwiches to pack for a cross country bus trip to the U.S. Social Forum. I have never seen him on the streets or in a room of organizers wondering how to best respond to the latest murder of a trans person. He has no credibility with the community yet, by virtue of sucking dick and a good publicist, he is all of a sudden supposed to represent our community? Who the hell vetted him? Cher?

(My apologies to Cher. I actually love you, and I would be proud to have you represent me in Congress.)

This actually smells like something Karl Rove cooked up. I am going to look into that.

And, really, if the media needed a celebrity spokesperson to bring issues of importance of the queer community into a public conversation...why oh why couldn't they have gone with Wanda Sykes. There is a woman who is actually funny, politically savvy, has a deep grasp of current events, and understands and TALKS about the intersection of race, poverty, and sexuality. Oh wait...I know why...she's black. And, she's a she. Curses...foiled by sexism and racism again! .

Tell you what...Perez Hilton can do the White House Correspondents dinner next year. Put his ass in front of people who actually know something about some shit...let him make a fool out of himself...and then banish him back to his blog and to judging the occasional beauty pageant. BUT, put one of those dog shock collars with a satellite tracer on him...so if he even THINKS about talking about queer politics...we can push a button and buzz his ass on the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro if need be.

Actually, Perez, I don't hate you. I just hate what you do. I hate that our system is set up so that those that are actually fighting the good fight and have a broad based analysis of how this nation and this world really works and have thought strategically about how to change it for the better (deep breath....continue please) are the ones that can't get the local cable access station to cover an event. But a pastel gay boy with no particular analysis of social change can manage to get a CNN anchor to grimace with disgust but still cover his unsavvy and unstrategic ramblings. You are not helping anyone, and you are providing credibility to the inanities of a dumb ass blond that never would have had a forum if not for you.

(P.S. I understand that Perez is Cuban...as a white Cuban aka a person of color with white skin privilege he has an even GREATER responsibility to use his celebrity responsibly and in the service of justice...instead of just milking his access and his ability to pass in order to self-aggrandize and make a buck)