Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Eminem Eats Ass

I saw it with my own eyes. An angel with the ass of Sascha Baron Cohen decended from heaven in the midst of the MTV music awards and landed directly in Eminem's face. After a moment of hestitation...in front of millions of viewers from around the world...Eminmen buried his face in that God's gift and shoved his tongue so far in Borat's bootie that he could taste the grit from Uzbekistan in the back of Sascha's throat.

Then...realizing that he had popped major (or minor as the case was) wood in front of his homeboys...and that Dr. Dre had gotten a visible stiffy too...Eminmen...fighting that great beast Internalized Homophobia, quickly whipped it out, jerked off, shot on Borat's back, zipped up, signaled to his body guards and split. From the initial unzip to the zip up took roughly 14 seconds.

Later that evening, in an interview with TMZ, Eminmen claimed that the entire incident was due to a wardrobe malfunction with his zipper, that he was straight as hell, and that he was very angry at Sascha Baron Cohen. He indicated they would be meeting at a private, members only club called Steamworks to have a conversation about the incident and iron things out.

Details to follow.

Fuck Eminem.

I don't give a flying fuck that he happened to get sober with the help of Elton John. Sir Elton's only interest was in getting to hold onto Eminems tight little body while he came down from his latest hit. Eminem is a homophobic biyatch who has been no friend to the queer community. I don't care if the stunt was planned. I still want to punch Eminmen in the face. The fact that it was planned means that he thinks it's ok to promote homophobia and heterosexism as a joke.

I repeat. Fuck Eminem.

I am so tired of homophobic hip hop (and reggae) artists from Kingston, Jaimaca to Jaimaca, Queens throwing shade, advocating, violence against queer folks, and then...when they realize that the music business is chock full of faggotry...make some half-assed public recant and expect us all to go back to loving their asses. Eat my ass.

It is time that we turn to supporting queer hip hop artists that are holding it down on their own. Folks like my friends Invincible and Torri Fixx. Artists that spit hype shit, make their own beats, write their own lyrics, and all without having to denigrate women, queer folks or themselves in order to make music or a dollar. How about this...nothing makes you less than a man to be afraid of other men and the feelings you have. Running away from yourself or anyone else out of undeserved fear is an act of cowardice and has no place in a principled person. Now what.

I will be bold enough to say that Eminem has had more dick in his ass than Perez Hilton. And we all know Perez is a piggy poppered up power bottom that has "Abandon all hope ye who enter here" tattoed above his brown winker and a lower intestine with a permafrost layer of rotted jizz.

Damn...I grossed myself out with that last one.

I say...God bless Sascha Baron Cohen. Mazel Tov. You are my guardian angel.

Update: My friend Thomas Leavitt told me about another kick ass queer hip hop artist by the name of Juba Kalamka...support Juba as well!


  1. i love you!! ha hah aha. i was like, "Em, are you trying to come out? cuz that shit was weird!" and of course all the nastiness people like to say about "fags." ugh.

  2. He is such a douche and I am glad that this stunt went right...

  3. Shante: Right? I mean...an ass in a jock in your face? Really? That was a fantasy of his...I just know it.

    Gayte: Amen!

  4. Brandon - add Juba Kalamka to your list: http://www.jubakalamka.com/

  5. You got it Thomas. I updated the blog with a big old bold ps and a link to Juba's website.


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