Hamhocks and Witches

Last night I ate a bowl full of hamhocks and blackeyed peas before bed. In addition to having gas from hell...I had a very interesting dream.

The dream began with me as a child...I had spontaneously sprouted magnificent wings, and, a la X-Men, I shaved them off using a giant file to hide my shame and to please my parents. As I grew, I learned to love my wings, and I refused to remove them. I was chased through the night by police that were seeking to force me to cut them off or kill me. They didn't know who I was, and I managed to soar and then dive between two houses in my neighborhood. Quickly landing in my back yard, and ducking into the house.

Later that night I had to attend a black tie fundraiser with my parents. I had grown into quite the strapping young adult. I had bowed to pressure and shaved the wings off one last time. I was to appear in a fashion show that evening, as I also had a budding career as a model.

I got to the black tie event and it turned out that I was actually in a charity fashion show. As I arrived, I felt a familiar itching on my back, and my wings returned bunched under my Armani suit coat. I was distraught.

David was there, and he was directing the show. He quickly removed my jacket, and my white shirt, and with a pair of scissors constructed for me a white outfit that hugged my chest and my package, displaying the best of both. He then cut up a black belt, grommeted it, and then made a nut cup out of each, which he then cinched around my waist and pulled snug up to my crotch. The outfit was fierce. I slipped on black motorcycle boots, and unfurled my wings. All the other models had wings as well, though theirs were fake. David reassured me that I blended in. I walked the runway, and realize that my wings were a mighty gift, and I vowed never to be parted from them again.

When my Mother saw them she grew angry. She was a powerful witch, and I was afraid she was going to attack, so I flew from the end of the stage and out of the theater to thunderous applause.

For a while I escaped, and I lived happily. I was at a party with some friends, when, all of a sudden, a deep gouge appeared on my hand and began bleeding profusely. There was no apparent source of the gouge, and, a moment later, a strip of flesh was peeled from my heel.

I was under attack.

I grabbed a container of Morton's salt and drew a circle around myself. I knew the Witch was attack, and I knew she couldn't reach me through the salt circle. Unfortuantely, the other folks at the party thought I was drunk, and they kept walking into the kitchen and through the salt circle. Each time they did, I sustained an attack and desperately sealed the circle. I shouted at the idiots to keep out of my circle, but they mocked me and kept moving through to get their drinks.

The dream shifted then, and I was hiding out in a beautiful spacious house in Brooklyn. The home was owned by my friend Lynne Serpe. The sun was shining, and a beautiful yard could be seen through the back bedroom. It was fall, and a half bare sycamore tree stood, it's bark grey-green and smooth, just outside of the window.

It was a place that I wanted to live, but I told Lynne I could only do so if we moved it to Manhattan. Common sense...even in a dream.

Suddenly, the room was flooded with a circle of my women friends...all good witches. Another attack was coming from my Mother, the Witch, and they knew it. They laid matts on the floor so that the salt circle would be less easily disturbed. They covered the entire floor in these matts. I then created a large circle around myself of salt that remained inviolate. The circle was closed not a moment too soon as a faint scratch appeared on my arm just as it was sealed. Mom was at it again.

We knew that the evil Witch had to also be sitting in front of a circle that represented the circle in which I sat. But in order to battle her, we had to know where she was positioned outside of the circle.

Another witch, one of my girls, then took the salt and inscribed a symbol outside of the circle...after that she took an egg in her hands and tossed it towards me and the circle in which I sat. The egg arched through the air and landed across from me, outside of the circle. When it hit the matt it begin to sizzle as if it were frying. We'd found the bitch.

A phantom outline of her appeared, her face twisted in anger. She began chanting a new spell trying to break through my circle...I could feel an enormous pressure building, and I knew that she would soon break through...and then...my ass would be grass.

A bright light welled up inside of me and I held up a single hand, with my wings outstretched, I began chanting loudly...By the Power of Light, By the Power of God! By the Power of Light, By the Power of God! I pushed back agains the pressure and my hand began to glow with a golden light that was outlined in red. I shouted a third time...BY THE POWER OF LIGHT, BY THE POWER OF GOD. The pressure gave way suddenly, and I knew I had to bitch slap the hell out of the witch and teach her to mind her business. I gave her three hard smacks.

And then David woke me up yellin' “WHY ARE YOU HITTING ME.”

P.S. David is the hottie in the tootsie roll outfit next to the scary heifer in the picture above. Teeeheeee.