Brandon'sTwisted Nursery Rhymes: The Jiggerbee

Here is the second in my new Twisted Nursery Rhymes series.

Jiggerbee

Have you ever seen a jiggerbee
Such a wonderful thing
It has purple spots
ten little legs
And four yellow wings

It sings when it flies
It waltzes too
I hear they have one at the Central Park zoo
It’s eyes are all golden
It’s tail grape and puce
It laughs instead of buzzes
It’s snout’s long and fuzzy

It huffs and puffs
As it circles the air
It lives in a nest that it builds in your hair
It wiggles and tickles
It darts all about
The jiggerbee loves to fly all around

But don’t let a jiggerbee nest in your hair
It’s not quite as sweet as it might appear
It has yellow wings
Golden eyes too
But it has a red stinger
That it will never show you
The stinger is long
The stinger is sharp
The stinger has poison
And mean little barbs
The jiggerbee hums
And waltzes too
But it does these things
Just to fool you

If you let the jiggerbee
Build a nest in your hair
I’m afraid the jiggerbee
Will lay eggs in your ear
It will stick its red stinger
Right down in your head
And once it does that
You will be terribly dead
You will twitch and shake
You will writhe and moan
And lament that the jiggerbee made your hair its home
Your eyes will pop out
Your veins all explode
And little jiggerbees will gnaw on your bones

So beware of the jiggerbee
You have been warned
Never ever let the jiggerbee
Make your hair its home

Brandon's Twisted Nursery Rhymes: Shoelaces

So I am starting a new project called Twisted Nursery Rhymes inspired by Shockheaded Peter and the Tiger Lillies.

Check out the first:

Shoelaces

Tommy was Terrible everyone knew
No matter what Mother said
he would not tie his shoes
He loved how the strings would wiggle when he ran
He loved how they looped and they dipped and they fanned
Out to the sides when he jumped in the air
His Mother would warn him
Tell him to take care
That one day he would fall
And break his young neck
But Tommy was Terrible and didn’t listen one wit

He climbed over rocks
And shimmied up trees
He pulled his shoe laces right up to his knees
He tied them in loops and he tied them in knots
but bows on his feet
Were definitely out
He scoffed at his poor Mother
Said, “Oh Mother please, just look at how glorious my laces are free!”
Mother was worried
Oh my she would fret
knowing that one day
Tommy would break his poor neck
She begged and she pleaded
She ordered and pledged
To buy him chocolates and presents if he’d
Just tie those darn laces
Just lace them right up
But Tommy was Terrible
And would not listen to Mom

On one fine morning
So sunny and bright
Tommy’s Mommy tried again
But it all came to naught
Tommy ran into the yard
He climbed in his tree
He swung from the branches
Laughing with glee
Til lunch time he frolicked
His laces undone
When his sandwich was ready
His Mom called him home
Tommy raced across the yard
But before reaching the door
He tripped on his laces
Like never before
He tumbled and twirled
He bounced and he jounced
He flipped and he skipped
He was thoroughly trounced
He screamed and he pleaded
full of regret
he let out one last holler
then snap went his neck
he landed upside down
with his face right side up
poor Tommy was dead
because he didn’t lace up.