Please Come Back Dr. King

It's the day after my birthday party. Last night I was surrounded by some of the most beautiful and amazing people that I have ever had the pleasure to meet. That so many tremendous humans came together to celebrate my birthday was a sweet joy and a blessing. This morning I had to fight my own internal tapes that tell me that I don't deserve to be loved by so many beautiful people, but this morning those tapes don't win. Love wins. Thank you my family, my community, my people for loving me so gently and so beautifully last night.

I have been crying for the last five minutes. And not just crying but acting like I have been beaten for doing something wrong. You know the kind of crying where you can't catch your breath. You know what I am talking about.

But they are actually happy tears. Let me tell you a story.

This morning, a person that is family to me as if he were blood kin, posted on his Facebook wall, an excerpt from Dr. King's speech "I've Been to the Mountaintop." If you haven't heard this speech, and so many people have not heard it, you should listen to it now. This was the speech that Dr. King gave the night before he was assassinated. These were the final words he spoke in public:

Well I don't know what will happen now. We've got some difficult days ahead. But it really doesn't matter with me now. Because I've been to the mountaintop. I don't mind. Like anybody I would like to live a long life. Longevity has it's place. But I'm not concerned with that now. I just want to do God's will. And He's allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I've looked over. And I've seen the promised land. I may not get there with you. I want you to know tonight that we as a people will get to the promised land. So I am happy tonight. I am not worried about anything. I am not fearing any man. Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord.

Maybe I am a big old softy...but listening to that speech in the doctor's own words maybe me choke up like an old black lady at a funeral.

Hey glory.

Yesterday was the 47th anniversary of Dr. King's "I Have a Dream" speech. Yesterday Glen Beck and Douchnozzle Extreme Sarah Palin held a rally...at the Lincoln Memorial....talking about taking back the Civil Rights Movement.

Fuck them. FUCK THEM. FUCK THEM IN THE FUCKING SKULL WITH A RUSTY RAZOR BLADE COVERED IN EBOLA!

So glad I got that out of my system.

I am actually angry. I am so angry I could spit random toiletries. The anger is directed solely at one target: myself. I am angry that I have succumbed to hatred. On the anniversary of Dr. King's most famous speech. I have betrayed his memory and legacy by bowing down to the emotion of the enemy. I have let hatred overcome my spirit, and I have reveled in it.

I am ashamed of myself. Dr. King deserves better. I deserve better.

I wish that I could love my enemy as I love myself. I wish that I could live the spirit of Dr. King.

Let me be clear. Dr. King was a human. He was a womanizer and was not faithful to the commitments he made to Mrs. Coretta Scott King. He was gay accepting but only to a point. He kept his mentor and friend and architect of the 1963 March on Washington Bayard Rustin on the sidelines and out of the limelight because of his sexual orientation. But not despite all that, but because of all that...because he was human and because being human he still inspired us to be more than we are and gave us the space to imagine ourselves as better than this world would have us be, I love Dr. Martin Luther King.

I remember.

In high school, I had an amazing history teacher by the name of Frederick Burton. In my senior year, his three year old daughter recited, from memory, Dr. King's "I Have a Dream" speech as part of a Black History Month celebration in Minneapolis. Mr. Burton blessed my entire school by having his daughter's rendition of the speech broadcast over the school's intercom system. In my mind and in my spirit I can still hear her little and powerful voice say, "Free at last...free at last...thank God Almighty...we are free at last."

I believed every word that little girl said.

The power and legacy of Dr. King is that he continues to inspire us 42 years after he was assassinated by the United States government. Now, more than at anytime when Dr. King was alive, we know the truth about him as a man. We know about his weaknesses and his foibles, and we, or at least I, love him even more for his humanity. And though Glen Beck and Sarah Palin tried to co-opt his dream yesterday...though they straight up lied about the coincidence of organizing a rally on that day while including Dr. King's fucked up, self-hating, stupid and ugly niece in the line up for the event....no one can take Dr. King from us. No one can take his dream from us.

Dr. King DID get to the mountaintop...and he DID see the promised land...and though that land may still be far off...and though many of us may not live to see our arrival...the arc of the universe does bend towards justice...and we will get there...we shall overcome...some day....very...very soon.

Shits and No Giggles

Let me tell you, spending a week and a half alternating between taking 40 shits a day to all of a sudden being backed up like the 101 in L.A. during rush hour is enough to make a man say fuck it and carve into his own intestines to install a homemade colostomy bag. Then just as I thought all was well, I developed a waterfall of snot down the back of my throat and what felt like a Satanic Christmas elf with a red hot dagger in the junction between my ear and my throat that went berserk every time I swallowed anything, including the snot fountain.

Of course, all of this happened as David and I threw our holiday party, which drew about 40 guests, and our holiday trip to Connecticut to spend time with the in-laws.

And that's when "stupid man syndrome" kicked up in my butt. Now, most normal human beings, around day three of peeing out of their anus, would get thee to a doctor's office. Not my stubborn ass. Since Urgent Cares are not popular in New York, I decided to tough it out the first weekend, so as to avoid the $75 co-pay at the ER. By Monday, the fountain had dried up, and I thought...MAN WINS AGAIN! Of course, the day we leave for CT, my ear decides to go Sarah Palin rogue, but at that point it was too late to go to the doctor, as we were on our way to CT. I figured it was just a little earache, and it would go away, so I ate about three bites of Christmas dinner (I must be the only idiot in the Christian world that lost weight with about 20 lbs of ham staring him in the face). Day before last I decided to self medicate. Turns out that enough vodka heals all wounds, or at least least numbs them to the point where you just don't care.

Oh but I did care yesterday morning.

When I woke up yesterday, the ear pain was back with a vengeance, and this time the mucus waterfall was non-stop, yum. Unfortunately, "stupid man syndrome" was still in full effect. I decided that I was going to tough it out. I laid back down to take a nap. Finally, when I realized that the Hell's Elves had built a full on mosh pit in my ear/throat, I decided to suck it up and ask David to take me to urgent care.

I rose only to discover that David had been summoned by the Spirit of Martha Stewart Past (before jail), and he was off to the yarn store. I offered up a great lament, as David is a big old Uptown Girl when it comes shopping. That one can disappear into a craft aisle for three days and sustain himself with the water he keeps in the nick knack hump on his back.

Thank the lord that he made it back swiftly.

We trucked to the urgent care and then got to sit in the waiting room for 45 minutes. Once in the back, I got to tell a crotchety nurse about my various systems, and then she asked me my doctor's name. I blanked. I seriously blinked at her and said ummmm, "Steve." And she said, "umm. Last name." I totally could not remember. Then I mentioned he was in Chelsea, and she gave me that, "Oh you are from the CITY," look and shuffled out of the room. By the time the doctor came in, I was eyeballing a tongue depressor and a bottle of rubbing alcohol wondering if I could just fix the situation myself. The doc listened to my chest and then stuck one of those giant swabs down my throat, which came out bright red and bloody. I almost fainted off the damn examination table. I hadn't realized that the Elves weren't moshing, they were butchering my throat and selling the flesh to Dwarves as beef jerky.

Bitches.

The doctor was about as pleasant as Nurse Evil. And then I made the ultimate mistake as I left the examination room. I wished him a Merry Christmas, to which he did not respond. Then I read his name on the prescription sheet. Score one for wishing a Merry Christmas to a Jew. I am so awesome.

I got my drugs, headed home, and evicted the elves. Stupid Man Syndrome gave way to No More Blood in the Throat Common Sense.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a phlegm free night.

Minnesota!

So I love Minnesota. I betcha could never guessed. My beloved homeland has been in the news quite a bit lately. From electing Al Franken to the Senate and giving the Democrats the 60 votes needed to overcome a filibuster (that is if Lieberman's dumbass doesn't go all Sarah Palin rogue) to once again being at the top of the healthy, livability, education, arts, and economic recover lists...the land of 10,000 lakes (actually 11,842 lakes) is pretty much the best state in these here United States.

I even found out recently at a party with a professor of linguistics that the Minnesota accent is the fastest spreading in the country and can now be heard as far south as Kansas and Missouri, east to Ohio and west to Nebraska. BOOOOOOOOOYA!

Sure the state is frozen over from mid-November to mid-April. And yeah I remember once it snowed on May 1st, and there was that one time that it snowed four feet over night on Halloween and I went trick or treating with a sled, but other than the time when the air temperature with windchill was -90 degrees and the Governor shut down all the schools in the state, Minnesota is awesome.

Minnesotans are also the toughest creatures on the planet.

I mean I just explained to you that other than Polar Bears and Penguins, no other living creatures roam about in -90 degree weather except Minnesotans. And not only do we roam about, we throw parades. There is a parade called the Holidazzle that runs every night from Dec. 1 until December 31 at exactly 6pm along Nicollet Mall in downtown Minneapolis. That is after nightfall ya'll. Almost every January we build a LIFE SIZE castle out of giant ice blocks and put on a festival we call the St. Paul Winter Carnival. Every year the city of St. Paul buries a golden medallion in the snow somewhere in the city and thousands of people search for weeks for the medallion...the lucky winner takes away $15,000. The longest dog sled race in the world outside of the Iditarod takes place in Northern Minnesota. Those cowboy boot wearing pansies in Texas ain't got nothing on Minnesota pride or Minnesota tough.

It also helps that we have several of the top public and private higher education institutions in the world in our little old state. My high school, Patrick Henry, in North Minneapolis has been named one of the top high schools in America by U.S. News and World Report every year for about a decade, and who else has the Mall of America...no one else that's who. Shoot.

Oh yeah, and we were the first state to include gender identity in our state's human rights act. DOUBLE BOOOOOOOOYA!

We've elected six independent governors in our state's history, and Minneapolis has 22 lakes within the city limits. Sure, we have a ridiculous shit stain asshole of a governor that would have sucked whiskey from George Bush Jr's tit if he thought it would get him into the White House, but, you know, we can't be PERFECT otherwise those nasal talkin' cheese eatin' Sconnies would want to move into Minnesota. I would have to hire some Minutemen to move to Minnesota and guard our Eastern Border. I welcome undocumented immigrants to Minnesota. It's Wisconsinites I can't stand.

Minnesota is the shit. You betta recognize!

Sarah Palin Goes to China and Gets Dumber

Lord have mercy somebody PLEASE take away Sarah Palin's passport. The snow heifer will not miss it considering she didn't even have one until 2007. Let her continue to stare at some barren Russian islands out of her foyer window and create soccer Mom foreign policy while fingering wild Alaskan salmon.

Good grief.

So, Sarah Palin aka The Woman That Made Tina Fey A Saint, was in Hong Kong giving a speech to a group of investors and bankers. Hello? Has anyone checked out the economy in Alaska. It's in the shitters. That would be like CapitalOne paying me to give credit card advice to shopaholics. The only outcome would be that I would make a fool out of myself and the people in the audience would have instant garnishments levied against them.

I mean, come on. There has to be some sort of law on the books that says the Village Idiot is not allowed to leave the country unsupervised! I am going to write my legislators and ask them to install one of those microchips that they implant in domestic pets. It is in the best interest of U.S. National Security that we know where Sarah Palin is at all times.

Right next to the red phone and the "button" in the White House, Obama should have a remote control that allows him to activate the microchip in Palin's neck and taser her via satellite any place on planet Earth. If they put THAT into the Patriot Act, I would vote for it myself. Habeas Corpus be damned!

I mean, there are laws against severely mentally ill people making decisions for themselves. And if Palin believes that she has a snow balls chance in Paris Hilton's pussy of being President of the United States, then that is evidence enough for any court in the land to judge her mentally unfit to make her own decisions. She should be put under house arrest in a gulag in Siberia and made to watch her interview with Katie Couric on repeat until she expires from an overdose of her own stupidity.

And since she couldn't convince the majority of Americans that Obama is to blame for the collapse of Wall Street and the financial crisis, she thought she would try and convince the Chinese. Of course, they can't vote, and the Chinese basically invented the calendar, and since Lehmann Brothers collapsed in September 2008 and Obama took office in January 2009, it doesn't take a whiz on an abacus to determine that the meltdown happened during the Bush administration.

Forget a Spin Doctor, she needs a brain surgeon. Lobotomies all around!

The best thing that Sarah Palin ever did was let her daughter get knocked up my Levi Johnston. The kid is dumb as shit and about half a swastika away from being a member of the Michigan Militia, but he is hot as fuck and his shirtless pictures almost make up for his almost-mother-in-laws political career and complete embarrassment of the United States on the world stage.

You know you are basically a rat bastard when Kim Jong Il is more likely to get elected to the White House than you are. Mrs. Palin, have you thought about a career as a North Korean Dictator?

In the end, I look forward to more public appearances by Sarah Palin. And I pray to God Almighty that she runs for the presidency in 2012 just for Saturday Night Live bonanza that will entail.

God Bless Tina Fey.

Tell The Damn Truth

I am not sure if you all have noticed, but the Republicans are doing every damn thing they can possibly do, short of drawing a pentagram in virgin blood and opening the Hell-Mouth, to stop health care reform from happening.

Joe Wilson of South Carolina is a member of the Sons of Confederacy, tried like Hell to keep the Confederate Flag flying on TOP of the South Carolina State Capitol building, and his sons are all shocked and awed because Jimmy Carter told the damn truth and said that Rep. Wilson is a racist sommamabitch.

John Boehner, House Republic leader, perpetually lives with his head up his ass and hasn't come up with one viable or original piece of legislation since Big Daddy Bush left office. He basically spends his time jacking off on the hopper whenever a Democrat executes the duties of his office and proposes legislation. Hooked on phonics didn't work for him. I am not even sure the man can read English, though I am sure he has portions of Mein Kempf set to memory.

Sarah Palin is off somewhere in the wilds of Alaska plotting her next round of public crazy.

Dennis Kucinich voted AGAINST censuring crazy ass Joe Wilson's YOU LIE outburst at the joint session of Congress. What the HELL has he been smoking in Ohio. I know the man is about as Green as a Democrat can get, but he needs to lay off that Humboldt County shit while Congress is in session.

Serena Williams lost her damn mind at the U.S. Open, cussed out a line ref and then half-assed apologized for it (in her defense, it was a shitty call, but she didn't have to go all ape shit booga booga over it...she still walked away with $350,000).

And don't EVEN get me started on Kanye West's crazy ass. OBVIOUSLY, he and Dennis Kucinich were hanging out mainlining Draino or something cuz his Prime Time Ass Showing Extravaganza at the VMA's was a historic low in Black History.

And lord I am trying to be a saint today, but I just heard that Perez Hilton is producing a music tour and is launching his own label...what's it going to be called? Here's a title suggestion, "I'm A Fat Disgusting Ignorant No Talent White Boy Wanna Be With Bad Hair and Horse Teeth Records."

This here country has me so riled up that I am announcing the launch of my own damn weekly VBlog called Brandon Tells The Damn Truth.

Every Friday, I will be releasing a 20 minute or so video show via our friends at YouTube where I review the news of the week, active the Bullshit-o-meter and tell you the damn truth behind the headlines.

Watch out America...I am like Opera but broke and Wendy Williams with class....this is going to be some live shit.

An Open Letter to the GOP

Dear Grand Old Party:

You suck.

I don't mean in that gloryhole, backalley, 1970s pre-condom porn kind of sucking. I am talking about that drippy cheesy uncut leporitic yeast infected dick head kind of way.

Let me explain.

You are a party run by complete tit jobs that can't keep it in their pants or their ass in the country. Let's start with Governor Sanford. What the fuck? Let's see...if my Mom in her glorious job at Target at the Miller Hill Mall in Duluth, Minnesota, were to up and skip town, not tell anyone (including her bosses...in Sanford's case the people of the state of South Carolina) where she were going, they would bounce her ass from that job so fast she would leave skid marks on the surface of Lake Superior. Yet, jacktard adulterous over privileged white ass Governor Sanford chokes out a well acted out "I'm sorry," admits to having had NUMEROUS affairs, and then goes right on being governor.

White privilege is amazing. Republican White Privilege is fucking astounding.

Next, let's talk about Rush Limbaugh's Oxycontin addicted ass. This monkey bitch motherfucker gets up on the airwaves, spouting neo-Nazi regressive rhetoric, basically hates everyone that isn't fat, white, male, straight and more Conservative than Queen Victoria, and you all tremble in your soulless boots whenever he passes gas. Take this as a loving suggestion, when I say to you, GOP, that it's time to let your balls drop into your nut sac and let Rush know that if he SITS on his microphone instead of vomiting into it, he may find more satisfaction in this life.

Who should we talk about next? Let's see...Mitch McConnell can basically kiss my rosy black ass...I bet if you check his closet, you will find a white suit or two with a nice white pointy hood that goes remarkably well with the rest of the ensemble. Trent Lott showed his true colors when wishing Dixiecrat Strom Thurmond a happy 181st birthday, and Strom Thurmond (God help his soul, cuz you know he is in a place hotter than his black maid's coochie), was advocating for the segregation, subjugation, separation, and denigration of black folks all the while fucking his maid and paying for the upkeep of his mixed race daughter. Hmmmm integrity is a word that the GOP should look up in the dictionary. Then eat the page it was written...it's the only damn way any of you will get integrity into your systems.

And, of course, the coup de grace, George W. Bush. I will say that at least George H.W. Bush, asshole of a conservative that he was, at least had a well articulated philsopohy behind his regressive madness. His inept C minus son that snorted and drank his way through college and then pissed his way through his Presidency managed to single handedly wreck more havoc on the United States than any other president in the entire country's history. The Civil War did less damage to the fabric of U.S. society and created fewer long term causalities than George W. Bush's eight years in office mauling the country and sucking it spiritually, emotionally, and financially dry has done or will do. Somebody call the Nuremberg Trials back into session. Break out the rope. You missed one.

In this country, there are good and well meaning Republicans. But, as long as those Republicans continue to trade their financial security for their ethical beliefs...they are as culpable for the actions of the most idiotic and regressive of their party as if they were mouth shitting into a microphone or gutting social services or taking bribes themselves.

So, GOP, take a page from Sarah Palin's play book...know that your idiocy has led you to a place of consummate ineffectualness...resign...quit...cut and run...get the fuck out. You are so through.

Love,
Brandon

Fuck Sarah Palin!

Sarah Palin can suck my dick.

Actually, she can’t. The Vampire Witch of the Utter North would most likely drain the blood out of it and all my ancestors to boot.

I saw her on TV this evening, and she had the giant cojones to actually say that she is disappointed in Barack Obama and how “little” he has accomplished in “so many” months in office. I’ve made a list of items that I would like her to take away from this blog post should it happen to get accidentally mailed directly to her house.

1) Bitch please! Bush had eight years to fuck up the U.S. and most of the world along with it, and Obama is supposed to right all those wrongs plus the historic wrongs in the U.S. in six months? Come down out of the tundra, the cold weather has obviously frozen what’s left of your brain.

2) You’ve presided over a massive downturn in Alaska’s economy and pretty much were the Seal of Doom over the candidacy of John McCain. One would think that much evil would satisfy Satan’s Mother…but I tip my hat to you Mrs. Lucifer…your son has nothing on you.

3) In case you haven’t noticed…the only reason you are famous is that the entire world was laughing at you…including Tina Fey.

4) Your TEENAGE daughter was getting porked by a hot ass stud in your own house, and she obviously inherited your idiocy as she forgot to use a condom. Why are you still speaking in public? You should be hiding in shame somewhere.

5) WE ALL BELIEVE BRISTOL’S BOYFRIEND (Levi Johnston).

Sarah Palin irks the living hell out of me. I mean, she is the first candidate to get her ass handed to her in a massive landslide victory and somehow miss the fact that she lost. She comes from an inconsequential state (if it weren’t for its natural resources and proximity to Asia, the U.S. would probably have let the Inuit keep it or sold it to back to the Russians for a bottle of vodka and a lap dance). The woman failed out of about half a dozen colleges before someone took pity on her and gave her a diploma for making an effort. But, right here in America, it goes to show you that if you have a great set of tits and are white, you can shoot for the stars or keep shooting off your mouth way after it’s been categorically proven that there are slime molds with higher IQ’s than you.

I take back that comment about the tits. I know many brilliant white women with amazing breasts that are monkey stomped into the ground by sexism. This just goes to prove my point that Sarah Palin has made blood sacrifices to the Infernal Powers in order to get ahead. She probably has to peel off her face at night and bathe in the blood of bunnies and lambs to maintain her Hell powers.

In conclusion, I would like to say….Sarah Palin can suck it.

So can Bristol’s ex-boyfriend. Literally. WOOT WOOT!