Friday, November 13, 2009


So I love Minnesota. I betcha could never guessed. My beloved homeland has been in the news quite a bit lately. From electing Al Franken to the Senate and giving the Democrats the 60 votes needed to overcome a filibuster (that is if Lieberman's dumbass doesn't go all Sarah Palin rogue) to once again being at the top of the healthy, livability, education, arts, and economic recover lists...the land of 10,000 lakes (actually 11,842 lakes) is pretty much the best state in these here United States.

I even found out recently at a party with a professor of linguistics that the Minnesota accent is the fastest spreading in the country and can now be heard as far south as Kansas and Missouri, east to Ohio and west to Nebraska. BOOOOOOOOOYA!

Sure the state is frozen over from mid-November to mid-April. And yeah I remember once it snowed on May 1st, and there was that one time that it snowed four feet over night on Halloween and I went trick or treating with a sled, but other than the time when the air temperature with windchill was -90 degrees and the Governor shut down all the schools in the state, Minnesota is awesome.

Minnesotans are also the toughest creatures on the planet.

I mean I just explained to you that other than Polar Bears and Penguins, no other living creatures roam about in -90 degree weather except Minnesotans. And not only do we roam about, we throw parades. There is a parade called the Holidazzle that runs every night from Dec. 1 until December 31 at exactly 6pm along Nicollet Mall in downtown Minneapolis. That is after nightfall ya'll. Almost every January we build a LIFE SIZE castle out of giant ice blocks and put on a festival we call the St. Paul Winter Carnival. Every year the city of St. Paul buries a golden medallion in the snow somewhere in the city and thousands of people search for weeks for the medallion...the lucky winner takes away $15,000. The longest dog sled race in the world outside of the Iditarod takes place in Northern Minnesota. Those cowboy boot wearing pansies in Texas ain't got nothing on Minnesota pride or Minnesota tough.

It also helps that we have several of the top public and private higher education institutions in the world in our little old state. My high school, Patrick Henry, in North Minneapolis has been named one of the top high schools in America by U.S. News and World Report every year for about a decade, and who else has the Mall of one else that's who. Shoot.

Oh yeah, and we were the first state to include gender identity in our state's human rights act. DOUBLE BOOOOOOOOYA!

We've elected six independent governors in our state's history, and Minneapolis has 22 lakes within the city limits. Sure, we have a ridiculous shit stain asshole of a governor that would have sucked whiskey from George Bush Jr's tit if he thought it would get him into the White House, but, you know, we can't be PERFECT otherwise those nasal talkin' cheese eatin' Sconnies would want to move into Minnesota. I would have to hire some Minutemen to move to Minnesota and guard our Eastern Border. I welcome undocumented immigrants to Minnesota. It's Wisconsinites I can't stand.

Minnesota is the shit. You betta recognize!


  1. Brandon,
    I was laughing out loud in about five spots in today's blog! (And most of your other one's too.) Hilarious. About the MN accent spreading: YIKES! I've been here for over 10 years now, and it still gets on my nerves sometimes. And regarding the cowboys in Texas: we may be tougher, but those painted on jeans, boots and hats cannot be beat as the sexiest of outfits...especially by parkas and Elmer Fudd hats. Love ya!

  2. HEHEHEHEHE. Well, you DO get the award for sexiest gear, I can go with that ;-)

  3. I thought I could relate, so laughed and smiled all the way through until I got to the end. I'M FROM WISCONSIN!

  4. Accent? What accent? :)
    I too love, just LOVE our state. I can't belive you didn't miss the great MN get-together, and hotdish, and the Aquatennial festival and parade.
    All this greatness is still missing something without you though, Brandon! But yes, we really do have it good.

  5. Accent? What accent? :)
    I too love, just LOVE our state. I can't believe you didn't mention the great MN get-together (State Fair!)...and hotdish... and the Aquatennial festival and parade.
    All this greatness is still missing something without you though, Brandon! But yes, we really do have it good.

  6. and don't forget this one, Brandon: we can go to a movie theatre and buy tickets to a movie that is showing in the next few minutes- not the next DAY!!

  7. Nice! Well, for that almost last sentence, you might like this link then:


Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings, and insights. And thank you for reading!