Saturday, November 14, 2009

Shit Talk

I had a tremendously satisfactory poop this morning. While power turds were shooting from my bottom with tiny glorious splashes in the toilet bowl, I thought about how much I love to take a poop.

Now let's be clear. I am not into scat. If you shit on me, you had better meet at least three of the following four criteria:

1) I gave birth to you
2) You are less than a year old
3) No court in the world would declare you mentally competent
4) You have amoebic dysentery

If you do not meet three of those four criteria and you shit on me, kiss your Mama goodbye and prepare to meet your maker cuz I am going to put you directly in a hole in the ground with a shape that exactly matches my fist in your heart. I will start chanting "O Num Shabyum," like that crazy mo'fo' in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and snatch your blood pumper straight up out of your chest.

But, for real, I love to take poops. Next to sex and writing, it is my favorite pastime. The good Lord knew what he was doing when he placed more nerve endings in your anus than anywhere else in the human anatomy except the clitoris (if that isn't a selling point for butt sex, I don't know what else could be). And when you have a gloriously poopy morning when your body decides to give itself a colonic, well that is generally a sign that your going to have a good day.

Seriously, sometimes when I am on the Porcelain Power Seat, I get real upset if I run out of crap before I finish the chapter of the book I am reading. Ever since I jumped into exercise high gear and built up my abs, I have been pooping much more efficiently and quickly, so I have not been getting my good reading time in lately, and that is messing with my Book-A-Week average. Hell, I read the entire Bible on the toilet. I kept a good old Precious Moments Newly Revised King James Version that I got for Christmas when I was 12 on the back of the toilet for a couple of months, and my Revelation was that God made Poop and saw that it was good. Amen.

I am also fascinated by the changes in my poop from day to day. Like when I eat a bunch of collards, I basically shit "hooker green" poop for the next two days. If I eat a lot of rice Chex it comes out grainy and stringy, and if I eat Lucky Charms it turns bright green from the dye in the marshmallows. And since I love hot peppers I also get a nice warming sensation in the morning after a night of extra spicy deliciousness.

1-2-3-4 It Is Pooping I Adore! GO TEAM GO!

It's the little pleasures in life that will sustain us in this crazy shifting world of ours.


  1. i thought this was going to be a shit talking..u know sassy

  2. You're the first person I know who could write a brochure for poop and actually make me want to be in the same room with you. That thought is very disturbing.
    James Means

  3. @Rodrigo Teeheeeeeee I use trickery when I must.
    @James It's all smoke and mirrors!

  4. Brandon,

    You KNOW how I hate to use language of a foul nature, but this is the shittiest blog I have ever read in my life. Pure crap from start to finish.

    Fecally yours,

    Poop McExcrement

  5. Dear Divine:

    You are so shitty.

    Crap on your face.


  6. Masturbation, good sex, a long hot shower, and a good crap - a few of life's little sensual pleasures that are free or almost free. :)


Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings, and insights. And thank you for reading!