One Liner of the Week Award: Nicolas Gerard

Bloggers Note: First of all, I know that there is an accent above the "e" in Nico's name but damn if I can figure out how to make my keyboard in blogger do it.

So, my boyfriend sometimes comes across to others as very elegant and reserved. Anyone that knows him knows that while he is indeed elegant, the reserve is just the way he lures you into a sense of safety before he unleashes his matter of fact, understated, yet over the top sass on you.

Now and again, though, he says something so matter-of-fact yet so true that it is both hilarious and has the ability to snap me right out of whatever dramatic writer emotional feedback look in which I have found myself.

Today was a perfect example of that. I have been dealing with a complicated situation that resulted in a minor moment of frustration, rage, and anger at the process and lack of accountability of a number of folks involved, and I reached a breaking point.

Then Nico called.

His rational no-nonsense mind is sometimes at odds with how I construct my world and community. The fact of the matter is that I am not now nor ever be wiling to do the brutally cold thing that would be absolutely in my best interest if it would impact the best interest of someone that I care about. No one would blame me, but I would blame myself and while I can sure as heck walk away from YOUR voice, I can't escape one that is in my head (though sometimes the voices keep my company at night...they are so kind).

So as we talked today and I cried and yelled, Nico listened, offered advice, and then finally said,

"Listen, I know this isn't going to sound exactly right but I really think that old bat is bonkers. Repeat after me...the old bat is bonkers! THE OLD BAT IS BONKERS!" 

I laughed so hard that I had get up and go pee.

The old bat is bonkers indeed.

And that gals and gals with penises is the One Liner of the Week.

One Liner of the Week Award: Kellee Terrell

It has been years since the same person has earned the One Liner of the Week Award twice in a row, but if you knew the crazy ass Negress that is Kellee Terrell, you would know that if anyone was going to do it, it would be her.

The last few weeks have been emotional as Hell for this here queer, and last night I dealt with a not so fun moment that often happens at holiday time with family. At the end of it, I basically ran into the guest bedroom at my ex-partner's house, started playing songs from Sister Act 2 and had myself a good cry.

I posted a status on Facebook that said, "Does anyone else get tired of crying?"

Kellee Terrell replied:

"No cause i dont cry that often...2 to 4 times a year..I do however get tired of cussing mofos out...i do that 2 to 4 times a day...the shit is exhausting....like chronic fatigue syndrome."

Now you can see why I love me some Kellee Terrell, and why that is the One Liner of the Week.

One Liner of the Week Award: Kellee Terrell

Last night, I went to the annual holiday party for TheBody.com. I have a blog on The Body called Queer, Poz, and Colored: The Essentials, and I have said blog because two years ago, I was at a GLAAD event on the LES in Manhattan, and I met Kellee Terrell.

Kellee comes over to a group of folks I was with and says that she works for TheBody, and she is looking for bloggers to contribute to their Pride edition. I volunteered that I was both positive and a blogger, and her sassy eyes sparkled. It's been a deep love affair since then.

And when I found out that she not only loved but was basically the straight girlfriend of my beloved Kenyon Farrow, I just knew I was going to love this woman.

Sweet Jesus, I love her even if she is cray cray super cray.

So last night, we are at this holiday party, this woman, bless her heart, was finishing a grad school application, while drinking and talking smack (do you SEE why I love me some her).

Then we get to talking about the HIV....because...well....we are at TheBody.com, and I tell her that I am a nonprogressor (which means that my body keeps HIV in check by itself without medication).

This girl gonna look at me and say..."You are like a magical leprechaun. No. Wait. A unicorn. You are a unicorn. That's that white in you. Ain't nobody ever met a person of color nonprogressor. Unicorn"

My horn is big and long and hard.

Word up.

And that is the One Liner of the Week.

PS She is REAL bougie....

One Liner of the Week Award: Miss Major Griffin-Gracy

If you don't know who Miss Major is, you better ask somebody. This giant of a woman not only was at Stonewall and was the fabled tranny that took off and threw her shoe, but she was also at Attica (as an inmate) within days of the riots. It was at Stonewall and more so at Attica that Miss Major was politicized, and for 40 years she has been kicking ass and calling names all across the land.

I first met Miss Major a few years ago when she was honored by Queers for Economic Justice at QEJ's annual award reception during the Creating Change Conference. Last week, I was with Miss Major and about twenty five other individuals, representing 14 organizations, at the ROOTS meeting in Minneapolis. Over the course of the two days of meeting many witty and impactful zingers were let loose by the mostly people of color queer and trans folks in the room (we found out later that two of our favorite people in the room were actually straight....I was flabbergasted...but we love our straights doing the work as well). But at one point, Miss Major, when referring to opening her home from time to time to her "girls," when one of them finds themselves without shelter, she said,

"It's not that I don't have boundaries, it's just that the motherfuckers keep moving."


Having an elder both in age and in relationship to the movement let loose with that line made my everlasting life. And that trannies and gentleman, is the One Liner of the Week.

One Liner of the Week Award: Will McNair

I have a new friend that I absolutely adore. His name is Will McNair. He and I met working on a project with the fabulous Bebe Zahara Benet. When Will first walked in he looked all quite and homosexual. Once that fool got warmed up, I felt like I was on Def Comedy Jam getting Punk'd.

A couple of weeks back, Mr. McNair had himself a birthday. On the night of his actual birthday, we went out for a little spin around Chelsea. We stopped in first at G Lounge where Will was able to indulge his artistic appreciation for go go boys and crisp dollar bills.

While sitting and debating the merits of thongs versus jock straps as traditional gay go go regalia and discussing dating possibilities for Will he said,

"I am educated. I got money. I am a white woman of color."

I about shit a roll of nickels.

And that, ladies and termites, is the One Liner of the Week.

One Liner of the Week Award: Myriam Fizazi-Hawkins

A little over a week ago, I had the distinct pleasure of meeting my good friend Kamal's sister, Myriam, when she made her way up to the city from the suburbs of Washington, DC. I fell in love with her pretty much right away; she is my kind of woman. Myriam is smart, hilarious, beautiful, and politically savvy in a very broad and nuanced way. If she weren't married and a woman, I would have proposed to her right there during coffee.

A couple of days ago, as I was preparing myself for the Rapture (T-Minus 38 minutes and counting)...and after carefully selecting a chic ensemble that I think is perfect for meeting my maker....I posted a status update on Facebook saying that I was going to be quite upset if Jesus decides not to show up today.

Myriam responded:

"I wouldn't be surprised if Jesus decides not to show, especially with the way immigrants are treated in this country."

See what I mean? That's marriage proposal material right there.

And that, my Left Behind readers, is the One Liner of the Week.

One Liner of the Week Award: Emily Berube

Last week, on Christmas Eve, the Berube family gathered for their annual gift exchange. David, his Mom and Dad, his brother and sister-in-law, and his niece and nephew gathered in the family rambler in Bristol, CT.

This year, Mitchell acted as Santa passing around gifts. Each person opened his or her gift and made the obligatory oohs and aahs as well as thank yous.

At one point, Mitchell hands his sister Emily one of those plastic candy canes that are filled with various candies, small toys, etc.

This was the following conversation.

Me: "Hey Emily, what's that?"

Emily unwraps the candy cane and looks askance at the various small pieces.

Emily: "A chocking hazard."

And that, Elves and Reindeer, is the One Liner of the Week.

One Liner of the Week Award: Jersey Woman at the Laundromat

This morning, I was up early and at the laundromat before 10am. If you were to judge me by the clothing I had on, you would think I was half-a-step above a psych patient off his meds that would not be out of place preaching the gospel to a recycling bin somewhere in the East Village.

I walked the block to do my laundry, and much to my surprise the place was almost empty. Usually Sunday mornings at the laundromat is a exercise in extreme patience. Usually, I want to start shoving irritable (irritating) old ladies into the jumbo washer and lock it permanently on spin.

This morning, two women that are what the hideous little creatures from the Jersey Shore reality show will someday become were putting clothes into the dryer.

One woman was tatooed to Jesus and the other was so skinny I could see her heartbeat through her chest.

Miss Skinny says, "Oh yeah. You know I am taking tai chi and the instructor is like a master. And he is tall for a CHINAMAN, like 5'10". And you know, those people can, like, just kill you. But he's really nice."

And that, ladies and Chinamen, is the One Liner of the Week.

One Liner of the Week Award: Kim Kortum

This last weekend, I was in Accord, New York with eight new friends for the first fall retreat of The Waking Circle. During a break in the day on Saturday, we went for a walk in the beautiful Catskills countryside.

As we walked through the woods, laughing and watching Tasmin the Dog bound around like a a little wood nymph, I was talking with Kim as we walked along next to Barbie and Tim.

Barbie, a vivacious crackerjack of a gal, steps over a log with a large cut off branch sticking straight into the air, grabs at her crotch area and screams, "Oh lord, I've been monkey bubbled!"

Kim and I blinked at each other like two little bunnies and then lost our shit.

I then said, "Sweet Jesus, she's been monkey bubbled in the cooter!" As we glared at the offending log and branch sticking up like a big middle finger in the middle of the woods.

And Kim, with a completely straight face said, "I think that if you get monkey bubbled in the cooter that you should probably go to the E.R or get a shot or something." She nodded sagely. I ruptured an internal organ from laughing, and Barbie finished the walk holding the inside of her leg.

And that, my little great apes is the One Liner of the Week.

One Liner of the Week Award: Shannon Lacy

Smart-assery, as I believe I have mentioned before, is an inherited trait in the Lacy family. Like storytelling and makin' shine, it is an ancient family tradition.

My little sisters are currently visiting me from Atlanta. Last night, we were chilling in their hotel room in Times Square, watching a random crime show, and I kicked off my flip-flops and stretched out on the bed.

The room went eerily silent.

My sisters then started laughing and asking me why my feet were so messed up and ashy.

Jasmine said, "Ewwww, you look like you been walking around in high heels."

Shannon said, "High heels hell, it looks like you been walking around in concrete bricks."

If she wasn't in the military, I woulda whooped her tail last night.

And that, ladies and gentlenerds is the One Liner of the Week Award.

One Liner of the Week: Joshua Mandelbaum

So Mr. Joshua Mandelbaum is the boss of me. Literally. He is my boss.

Today we visited the amazing Eastern European Hottie Zone (the name of the real site has been changed to protect the innocent) on the upper East Side. Recently remodeled, this place is stunning, and it is where we are having our annual benefit dinner next week.

We met a lovely staff person there by the name of Michael. Michael was a hotty Eastern European man wearing tight jeans. When I got back home, I IMed Joshua and told him that I had a crush and Michael and that Michael and I would be making out in the coat closet during the benefit.

This was Joshua's response:

"Either he has the soul of a fawn or he was crushing on you too."

I almost peed on myself. Oh my straight boss how funny ye be. And that, ladies and trannies, is the One Liner of the Week.

A Limerick from a Reader

Today, I received my first limerick from a fan ;-). Well, she is also a friend and a person that I think is so hilarious that I pee myself every time I read something she tweets. As a matter of fact, she is a former One Liner of the Week Award winner and a very pithy mother of two.

I opened my Twitter account today and discovered a gift that brought out a broad smile and my crazy clown laughter. Thank you Vikki (find her at www.twitter.com/uppoppedafox)! Next time I am in Minneapolis, it's all about gin and tonics on the veranda (or if it's Winter, it'll be gin and tonics in long underwear and a parka in front of the boiler).

Here's Vikki's limerick:

There once was a guy named Brandon
who wrote with wanton abandon
he was funny and gay
and brightened the day
of all who were part of his fandom.

Vikki ROCKS. Thanks love.

One Liner of the Week Award: Renee Humphries

Lo and behold! There were many moons between the previous One Liner of the Week Award (given to the brilliant Yuval Sheer) and the one previous to that. Perhaps levity had suffered its own Mercury in retrograde, perhaps the ban on travel to Cuba had been extended, secretly, to smart-assery. It is one of the great mysteries of the Universe...like the origin of life and the purpose of bologna.

Yet, a wonder of wonders has occurred, Renee Humphries has dazzled mine funny bone with her quip yestereve.

We were having a lively Perez Hilton bashing session. After a particularly vibrant slam down of Perez by yours truly, dearest Renee expressed her appreciation saying,

"Brandon, you make my day almost daily. I just adore you."

That was very sweet of her. Then she continued,

"Too bad you're up in the trees with the fruit and not down here in the pond with the fishes."

Oh. My. God.

And that, my dears is how you win the One Liner of the Week Award. Congratulations Lady Humphries.

One Liner of the Week Award: Yuval Sheer

So, one of my favorite people in the whole world is Yuval Sheer. Yuval is an old friend of David's and happens to be married to the equally delightful and amazingly talented Admi Marom. Yuval, a brilliant blogger that can be found at www.icechewer.blogspot.com, often has hilarious and insightful quips about life.

A few days ago I wrote a blog called Health Care Companies Can Suck My Dick. Yuval read the blog, and this was his response:

"Brandon, I don't think they will suck your dick since It's a pre-existing condition."

And that, ladies and trannymen, is the One Liner of the Week Award.

Congratulations Yuval on your distinguished honor.

One Liner of the Week Award: Vikki Reich

By 9am this morning, a film of sweat had already broken out on my forehead. It ain't right that it should be this damn hot this damn early.

So, I posted a Facebook status making reference to the sweat box in which I find myself.

And that's when it happened, Miss Vikki Reich (www.twitter.com/uppoppedafox)let loose with the One Liner of the Week when she said, "Air conditioning is one of the few factors that motivate me to go to work."

Congratulations Vikki on your One Liner of the Week Award. You join a long line of smart asses and cut ups that have been so honored. I salute you. *curtsey*

One Liner of the Week Award: Mason Scherzer

Today happens to be the birthday of my Rookies teammate Joe. Joe is a delightful chap with a razor sharp wit, and he has been known to smack a ball so hard that it may be considered ball torture. I like that.

The Rookies' email list was filled with delightful birthday wishes for Lady Joseph today, but the best, hands down was from Wonder Mason of red thong fame. He said:

"Happy birthday ye olde thang! What was it like when ya'll figured out how to harness fire? I don't want that oral history to die out..."

And that, trannysauruses, is the One Liner of the Week.

One Liner of the Week Award: Random Hell's Kitchen Girl

So, David and I were walkin' down the street a couple of days ago...on our way home from the gym...and these two young fashion girls (bio girls not femme boys) walked passed us deep in an intense conversation. One girl with a scooped up swirl do says to the other...with deep seriousness:

"I mean...there is a LIMIT to Gayness!" Her friend nodded enthusiastically.

I almost peed right there on 9th Avenue.

And that, my little chicken butts, is the One Liner of the Week Award.

One Liner of the Week Award: Sister Mary Raphael

So, this evening David and I were listening to NPR. They were doing a story on a small monastery just down the hill from the Hollywood sign in Los Angeles. The monastery is home to both nuns and monks of the Dominican order. Now, the nuns are cloistered but they are famous for their pumpkin bread. The monastery is going through some rough times right now because the monastery oven is broken.

Well...there is one nun, Sister Mary Raphael, who has the task of leaving the convent now and again to shop for necessities. According to NPR, the sister is not impressed with folks walking around with their iPods and cell phones. Sister Mary Raphael said, "I see people walking around on their cell phones. Always on their phones. And I want to say to them, 'have you said hello to God today? Have you called God today?"

Sister Mary Raphael is no joke...and she is the winner of the One Liner of the Week Award.

Remember..."Have you said hello to God today?"

One Liner of the Week Award

So it has been a while since I have given out a One Liner of the Week Award, and this week we have a new recipient: Melissa Tangye.

I met Melissa years ago. I was in the midst of my own Great Depression. I basically was unemployed, drinking, and using my entire apartment as my bedroom. It was note cute.

Anyway, Coya brought her over, and she proceeded to teach me the Fart Dance. It kind of looked like George Jefferson's walk but done to a beat.

Anywho, I sent her a message today telling her that I was moving to New York, and she responded:

"You move more than a pair of titties in a jazzercise class hombre!"

And that is most definitely the One Liner of the Week.

One Liner of the Week Award

So, this evening, my roommates and I were pouring some pop and getting ready to get back to watching David Bowie in the Labyrinth when we started talking about Makeeba, our roommate that just happens to be off snowboarding this weekend. One of my roommates mentioned that when Makeeba sings to her she gets scared. I said,

"Your inner child gets scared?"

My roommate replies,

"When Makeeba sings, my inner child gets aborted."

I almost died of wrongness. But good lord it was hilarious and it earned the One Liner of the Week Award.