Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Court of My Opinion

In reality, my opinion is worth about as much as a pound of pigs knuckles.

But that has never stopped me from sharing it.

This evening, I had my first encounter with the New York court system. No, no, Perez Hilton is still alive and breathing and being stupid somewhere in the world. As much as I fantasize about putting his dangly bits in my Cuisinart and pushing puree, it is highly unlikely that I will be the one to do him in. My money is on his parents.

No, tonight I showed up for moral support for my best friend who is being sued by his ex boyfriend/my ex friend, for a stupid amount of money from when they were together. That story is not mine to tell, so I shan't tell it. But let me just say that this small claims is so stupid and so dumb and so frivolous that it makes me want to vote Republican and start screaming about tort reform at a Town Hall meeting on health care.

Instead, I am going to talk about our experience tonight.

First of all, let me say that there are some people in the world that need to grow the hell up. Now, I understand in a messy divorce people that were close to a couple will take sides now and again, particularly if the couple had been together for say 7 years or so. But, my best friend's ex brought a woman with him with whom he works to the courthouse today. Now, I have met this woman exactly once. We got along just peachily. Tonight, as I was going to get a drink of water from the fountain, she stared me down and gave me stank eye as if I am the one that killed Jean Benet Ramsey.

Bitch please.

This white girl with a chip on her shoulder better recognize that only the grace of God, and my naturally sweet disposition kept her from getting read like the Bible at a Southern Baptist tent meeting. I didn't break off my friendship with my best friend's ex. He didn't get an invitation to a cocktail party I threw last winter, shortly after the break up, at which my best friend and his current boyfriend were to be. For this sin, I was declared toxic and in the darkness, and he shunned me like an Amish that bought an electric can opener. Old girl, his side kick in misery, had the nerve to toss shade at me with both hands. I smiled and laughed and engaged my joy. But the next time I see her, she had better take off her earrings and Vaseline up her face, cuz it's on like Donkey Kong up in this borough.

But she didn't have anything on the damn court clerk.

So this evening, my bestie had the option of going directly to arbitration with court appointed attorneys but without the right to appeal. He had the right to demand a trial before a judge with the right to appeal. And he had the opportunity to enter a counter claim.

Considering the level of assininess of his ex, I thoroughly encouraged him to register a call of "by the court," and take this shit to trial. If his ex wants to play Beau coup the Fool up in this piece, it is entirely within my BFF's rights to make sure that he exercises his entire range of personal liberties and protects his name and credit as best he can.

So, after entering a claim of by the court, the clerk calls my bestie and his exie off to the side. He attempts to arm twist and persuade the parties to agree to arbitration aka a decision that would not take into consideration the real facts of the situation and would probably end with my bro owing money to this poop deck heathen that he doesn't really owe. So, before making a final decision, my pal came back to consult with me and his man. We encouraged him to move forward with a court date. And lord have mercy, you would have thought we had talked about the Court Clerk's mama, cuz this big old Paula Deen deep fried chitterlings eatin' bowl of lard and Bisquick got all swollen up (or more swollen up). shook his head, and declared..."You gave him BAD advice. I mean it bad advice."

Ummm excuse me. It was bad advice only in that the court is overburdened and your job has nothing to do with encouraging an individual to make an informed choice about exercising their Constitutional rights and everything to do with making sure Judge Judy gets out in time to make her mani/pedi.

I love how everyone that works in the criminal justice system and civil justice system act as if the rest of us are morons with no understanding of right/wrong or how the system works. And court clerks are the worst...they are power hungry, power wielding little vipers with an associates degree, love handles, bad skin, and in desperate need of a fuck that doesn't involve a hand, a power tool, or an exchange of currency.

Actually, let me be specific...the clerk tonight was one of those people. I am sure there are perfectly lovely and sweet and justice minded court clerks in the world. I also believe in Santa Claus, fairies, ghosts, and the Resurrection of Christ. But I ain't seen any of them (except a ghost...I did see a ghost once).

In the end, though my opinion may count for about as much as an opposition vote in an Iranian national election, I have convened the court of my opinion, and in the case of Court Clerk v. Stupidity, I find the clerk guilty as charged.


  1. LMAO! OMG! Brandon!
    !Se jodio la Clerka-tetas-de-grasa-El-Cochinito!

    They are bad, very bad. I have my own experiences trying to get my neighbor to get rid or a dozen cats in her brownstone... you could smell 'caca' through my wall, the one side-to-side to her building. 'Clercka' found no grounds... only to find the Department of Health 3 months later inside her apt. in total germ warfare bodysuits and filling a dumpster with 'caca', rotten food + dead cats. 3 floors + a basement, and they could only get through the 1st floor when they first walked in 'normal clothes'.

    But then again, "I had something against the elderly woman", and the "Clercka de mierda" did nothing.

    BTW, she worked in a hospital's kitchen that I shall not name.

    To be honest, I have no respect for them.

    As my Jehova's Witness aunt would say, this is the end of the world, repent!

  2. Brandon,

    This had me laughing my ass off. When you get riled, you analogize like a true southern queen, honey. I'll try to wrap this up while doing the same.

    NYC courts are as crooked as a dog's hind leg. If you have any understanding of the law at all that may work in your favor, exercise it. Because, as you said, these folks are more concerned about getting the hell out of that courtroom. The good news? The sun doesn't shine on one dog's ass forever. This asshole will get what he has coming to him.

    They always do.

    Kindest to you and your friends,


    PS --The word chosen for verification was "colon". I thought you'd get a kick out of it.

  3. You are just too funny, dearie. Remind me not to get on your bad side. :-P

  4. Hahahaha! Gracie and Karlo, you two brought a smile to my overly tired face this morning.

    And Gracie, you can take the queen out of the South...but once the South gets a hold of you...she don't let go for shit...you will be Southern even if you move to Easter Island and shit. My Southerness is genetic...you can't possibly get more Southern, country, and Appalachian than my dear old Pa.

  5. Thomas, I doubt you could ever get on my bad side.


Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings, and insights. And thank you for reading!