Friday, May 8, 2009

Brandon's Twisted Nursery Rhymes: Sotted Scotty

I am most likely going straight to Hell for writing this one. But, here it is newest Twisted Nursery Rhyme...learn your lessons from Sotted Scotty.

Sotted Scotty

Scotty was a toddler drunk
he drank vodka from his sippy cup
he kept a jar of olives
inside his huggies
he made a dry martini
which was quite yummy
he learned to stumble
before he learned to walk
slurred speech
was how he learned to talk
he got a shaker set
for his first birthday
he drove his bigwheel
into an oak tree
drinking and trike-ing
had been his habit
in a sotted rage
he killed his stuffed rabbit

Scotty was the life of every party
he made bathtub gin
in his training potty
distilled brandy
in his toy chest
his sandbox rum was the best
a reknowned sommelier by the age of three
he could compose a wine list
before he could read
he was a good Irish lad
all agreed
that when it came to the drink
he was a drunk indeed

By the age of four Scotty was a mess
he could mix a high ball
but couldn't dress
himself or even tie his shoes
what was a toddler drunk to do
he started his morning with a raging hangover
by Noon he didn't know his own Mother
by Five he was passed out on the floor
by Midnight he was demanding more
whiskey, schnapps
it didn't matter
a buzz was all he was after
rubbing alcohol would do in a pinch
cough syrup if he couldn't get it
he had three beers for an appetizer
chased it with a fuzzy navel
he could drink anyone under the table
which is where they found him
one terrible day
Poor Scotty had drank until he passed away
his little face was puckered and red
there was an empty Wild Turkey bottle under his head
he used a beer label as a blankie
had his thumb in his mouth
he was just a baby
but the drink will kill you
no matter your age
so learn a lesson from Scotty
and put the scotch away.

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