Home Again Home Again Jiggity Jig

So, I am sitting in the lovely home of Betty Tisel and Sarah Farley, in the Kingfield neighborhood of South Minneapolis. I love this home. It is so warm and welcoming. It's a beautiful structure, inhabited by a caring family, and the energy is bright and clear. Betty and Sarah, along with their children Owen and Nora, have welcomed me into their home a half dozen times in the last couple of years, and I am always cognizant of the gift.

I am in welcoming home, in a city I love, on a beautiful day that began with a love filled morning when I met my beloved Susan Raffo for coffee. Susan asked me a question this morning about home, and if I thought of New York as home now. I had a complicated emotional response, but the answer, for me, is clearly no.

I love New York. I do. I feel comfortable there. I have managed to learn her rhythms and seasons. I can navigate her with ease, and I understand the dangers and the gifts that she can offer. She is less of a Big Apple and more of a Big Onion. I am constantly peeling back her layers and discovering new, wonderful, and terrible things about her. I am beginning to understand her governance structure, and I am integrated into community there in a way that I have not been in any other place except for Minneapolis.

Except New York isn't home. Minneapolis is. Yesterday, I was driving around with my childhood friend, Dr. Dawn Anderson, and I was struck again and fell in love again with the beauty of Minneapolis. Tree lined boulevards framing beautiful and architecturally distinct homes. The Minneahaha Creek bisecting the southside of the city, graceful bridges spanning its breadth. The streets covered in emerald canopies, wildflowers and sculptured gardens in front yards and along the curbs.  In a city of 22 lakes, the creek, the Mississippi River, and designed so that no resident lives more than a half a mile from a park, and you can imagine that in the summer, it is a gracious and gorgeous place to be.

We won't talk about the winter right now. But, I actually love Minneapolis in winter too....but I like to love it from inside a heated building.

From the people, to the way community is built here, the access to arts and performance, the education of the people, the diversity of the populace, the amazing food, and the more amazing friends, all combine to make this star of the north my home. It's in my blood and heart, and although it has been four years since I moved away from this place, coming back is like stepping into a favorite pair of pants, worn enough to be soft and to conform to my shape and shades, and it feels like love to be here.

Who knows if I will ever return to Minnesota as a full time resident. With the trajectory of my life as it is right now, that is seeming less likely. But Minnesota, and Minneapolis in particular, will always be a part of my heart, it will always be home, and it will always be a place where you will find me, from time to time, wandering its streets, dancing in its bars, and loving its people.

This is what home feels like. xoxoxo.

Minneapolis to NYC: Thank You, Love You, Peace

Minnesota has my heart, but my heart has another lover, New York. To my heart I give home, to my lover I come. Home is forever, while my love waits ephemeral, though home be distant and lover close, it is home that has what the lover has but on loan. -BLC, NYC, 11.7.11

The beginning of last week was a shit show extraordinaire. I was in full flight from dealing with some heavy emotional stuff that had gone down over the previous two weeks. To sum it up, I officially ended a relationship with someone for whom I still care but it is not possible for us to be together. In the meantime there are other highly emotional (mostly good yet still complicated) situations going on (I am being WAY cryptic here...which is all for the best)...and all of that combined to make me flee and hide out in some rather unhealthy ways last weekend.

Luckily thanks to the support of an acquaintance, I was provided with the time, space, and solitude to pull myself, my thoughts, and my courage together. It was the best gift that I have gotten in a very long time.

Last Monday and Tuesday were rough. My emotions were on an internal Great America theme park adventure, the people around me were super loving, and I finally, with the love of community, pulled myself together. In fact, despite the ending of my relationship and the accompanying heartache that entailed, my life is good. I am employed. I have a home. I have a Mimzy. I have a powerful family of choice and of blood, and frankly I have a book that is doing really well. Since October 1, I have been in Atlanta to celebrate the wedding of Paulina and Ashe, in Albany to co-keynote the national queer people of color health conference, at Davidson College in North Carolina to do a reading and give a series of lectures in partnership with the amazing photographer Sophia Wallace, and I just returned home from Minneapolis where I not only got to spend time with my Betty and Sarah and family, but I got to hold my godson as he was baptized, share in the wedding vow renewal of Rodrigo Sanchez-Chavarria and Nubia Esparza, and I had a jam packed Minneapolis book launch party at the fantastic Cafe SouthSide!

To stand in front of an audience, with my godson present, my amazing step-mom Melanie, my nephew Jason Jr., the Scooby Gang, my high school art teacher Mrs. Mary Simon-Casati, high school friends, Facebook folks that I had yet to meet but am so glad I did, and with the powerful presence of other writers and performers particularly Harry Waters, Jr., Kevin Kaoz Moore, Kyle "Guante" Myhre, Teresa Ortiz and the aforementioned Rodrigo Sanchez-Chavarria, was to stand in front of a room full of blessings. And anytime I can look up and see the loving, gentle, and powerful face of Susan Raffo, co-director of Minnesota's LGBTQ foundation PFUND, it is a good and blessed day.

I am so thankful for the gift of community. I am grateful for those that show up again and again to share their love and to let me reflect back to them the light and love that they give to me. To be mirrors for each and to reflect back the light that each of us was given brighten the way for those around us, is what I believe we were all put on this planet to do.

Today, I landed back in New York, and as sad as I was to leave behind my friends and family back in Minneapolis, I was jumping up and down to get home to my people here. First it was a reunion with Mimzy...and I spent a good 15 minutes wrapping her up and holding her and burying my face in her fur while she tried desperately to lick all of the sweat she could from my head. It's her job. Don't judge. And then it was a quick shower and to the QEJ office where I was greeted with a shout and love by my co-conspirator and beloved Amber Hollibaugh, the elfin soft show of Naomi, the giggles of Gykyira and of course the sun-shaming smile of JT Mikulka.

There was sadness today. I don't want to downplay or undervalue the sadness that existed today as well. That isn't a story I want to share here, now. But I learned a long time ago that it is not an oxymoron or a conflict to hold great joy and great sadness in your belly at the same time. In fact, on a day to day basis, those two seemingly conflicting emotions often show up, together, to remind us that the sweet tastes sweet because we know bitter as well.

To all my friends and family, I wish you nothing but the greatest blessings. Thank you for being in the world and being a light that helps me see where I am going when I am most likely to bang around in the dark, bruising myself, and crashing into the folks that showed up to help me. Love to you all.

A Love Letter to Minnesota

Dear Minnesota:

You have been going through it lately, haven't you? You, my beloved homeland, have been having a Hell of a few months (after eight years of being abused by your former governor, that asshole, Tim "Satan's Bitch" Pawlenty). I thought maybe when my old boss, Mark Dayton, was elected governor, perhaps you would get some TLC, maybe a little therapy, and perhaps, with Betty Tisel's community sings bringing people together, some good old fashioned healing time.

But a peculiar thing happened on the way to the polls. There was a mass outbreak of schizoid behavior in Minnesota (I blame solar flares and rampant Tea Bagging), and even though Emmer had his ass handed to him and Dayton was handed the keys to the governor's mansion, the same folks across the state, for the first time in modern memory, gave majorities to the Republicans in both houses of Minnesota's state legislature.

(I am still not convinced that this irregular behavior wasn't the direct result of a massive bad batch of lutefisk served up to the good Lutherans just before Election Day. In fact, I suspect GOP foul play and will be asking the FDA to formally investigate).

And true to form, once the GOP took over in the state capitol, despite a massive budget crisis in Minnesota, disregarding ridiculous unemployment, and turning their back on a Minnesota tradition of justice (imagine what this country would be like if Hubert Humphrey had never been born), the GOP have decided that their top priority is to spend all their energy and resources getting an amendment proposal on the 2012 ballot to ban same gender marriage in Minnesota.

Pardon my French, L'Etoile du Nord, but WHAT THE FUCK?

Ignoring a poll a couple of weeks ago stating that a strong majority of Minnesotans favor gay marriage and oppose the amendment, despite allowing a hatemonger minister INVITED by the GOP to give the opening prayer at the state capitol, despite Prop 8 being smacked down, despite the 14th amendment and Artcile 4 section 1 of the U.S. Constitution, despite the Navy, for a brief moment--though it has since been rescinded, ordering its chaplains to perform gay marriages in states where it is legal, despite ALL THE REAL WORK THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE, your wayward and fucked up children have decided that fighting the love of two individuals and their fundamental right to enoy the privileges of marriage (don't take my word for it....read the 1967 Loving v. Virginia UNANIMOUS Supreme Court opinion establishing marriage as a fundamental right that can not be abridged based on an arbitrary classification such as race) takes priority over the economic and general well being of the people of Minnesota.

And now, social justice organizations that should be spending their sparse resources on truly fundamental issues are going to be forced to spend their time fighting a hateful amendment that, in the end, will either fail or be struck down by the courts, will create rifts and divisions in a time when we need unity, and will mean that broader and more impactful issues such as health care, immigration reform, democracy reform, and other broader peace and justice issues will be neglected. And, seeing as how Minnesotans are the best educated people in the country with the best public schools, I know, Minnesota, that you know that this is EXACTLY what the Republicans want. If we are too busy dumping millions of dollars and all of our energy and focus in fighting this ballot measure, we won't have the time, energy, or attention span to watch them closely as they try to really fuck the people.

And if that weren't enough my sweet Mother. Last weekend a tornado tore through one of the poorest neighborhoods in one of the poorest sections of Minneapolis, killing at least one person, wounding many others, and leaving thousands with damaged or unoccupiable homes, including the parents of several of my good friends. The community has pulled together and folks from all of the city are doing what the GOP in the State Legislature doesn't conceptually get....they are pitching in to help and support strangers, folks they don't know, and people that they would otherwise never have met...BECAUSE IT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. Or, should I say..the Left thing to do.

I love you, Minnesota. Even though I am now living over a thousand miles away in another city and another state with its own set of troubles and worries, my heart and soul belong to Minnesota. I'll be back one day, but until then I am going to encourage folks to send thoughts, prayers, and money to you to help rebuild North Minneapolis and to help defeat this Hate Amendment that will be on the ballot in 2012.

And, listen to your gay prophet, Minnesota. In 2012, Michelle Bachmann will lose her seat in Congress, Barack Obama will carry Minnesota, the DFL will retake both houses of the legislature, the marriage amendment will be defeated and you, Minnesota, will finally get a chance to heal from a decade of abuse and neglect by the very people elected to love you and care for you best.

Miss you tons.

Love always,
Brandon

PS If you see Betty, Sarah, Susan, Rocki, Luca, Cathy, Dawn, my Mom, Pete, Deb, Jesus, Xtina, Pookie, Wifey, or any of my other loved ones...please give them a big old Land O' Lakes hug from me.

Interview with a Song Bird: Jamila Anderson aka Calliope Muse

If all you beautiful readers out there haven't yet noticed, I have some of the most amazing friends in the world. Comedians, actors, drag artists, poets, writers of all genres, organizers, lovers (a couple of haters...but I love them too), and musicians. The interview that I am publishing today is with another Minnesota ex-pat living in New York City (we have our own social group in NYC called Minne-Apple in the Big Apple...kookers!). Jamila Andersono aka Calliope Muse is a fierce actor, musician, and friend. Check out her new single, Kryptonite on iTunes! And thank you Jamila for this awesome interview. WERQ!!!!!

1. I met your gorgeous self probably seven or eight years ago in Minneapolis. At the time, you had the Minneapolis Theater scene by the throat. Now adays, you seem to be focusing more on music than theater. Why the change?

YOU'RE GORGEOUS! Thanks for the props! I have to say I was pretty happy with my acting career and didn't really plan to change. I've always been a “singer” but I certainly had no aspirations to be in the music biz at the time. Then an opportunity was presented to me that seemed like a real shot so I switched gears. I ain't no dummy – even though I thought I had my plans the Universe gave me the chance to do something on another level so I knew I had to go for it. I happened to catch the eye of a producer while waiting for a Minneapolis city bus one day and eventually he and I had crossed paths again and he revealed that he was a producer with his own label and studio and had earned a Grammy as a musician, etc... I don't want to go to far into this because it turned out to be kind of sour for me in the end. But I managed to have a short career as a Rock singer with my own band and did some minor touring, local gigs, oddly to NASCAR races and The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland. Eventually my single charted Billboard's Hot 100 chart for 21 consecutive weeks and peaked at #15. So despite the fact that the whole thing crashed and burned, I still have that. I fearfully went back to acting and was really touched by how well received I was upon my return. Rohan Preston even wrote a cool article about it in the Star Tribune. After the drama with the music, I was happy to try and forget about it and really wanted to move on and get back to my acting roots. But ha ha, once again, when we think we know the grand plan for our lives... Much to my surprise, music fell in my lap again about 2 years later when I got a wild hair up my ass and moved to New York. I hope I don't sound arrogant saying that it just fell into my lap – it's just that it was truly not on my radar in either situation. I came to New York with little planned just looking to live in a place I always wanted to be and possibly up my acting game but I met an amazing person who, after swapping stories days after we met, turned out to be a Grammy-nominated producer and former Hip Hop star. NICE. Yes, I sang rock music but that was the more unfamiliar lane... I grew up on Soul, R&B and Hip Hop so I was excited at the shot of sing over his tracks. Eventually, he let me hear some of his stuff and I was more than SOLD. I wanted in!! But I knew it wasn't going to be just that easy. So I made a bootleg demo on my laptop with one of his beats and emailed it to him. After waiting for an excruciating week and creating various ways to ask if he'd listened to it yet, he finally responded “I couldn't stop playing it. I played it over and over.” We knew we had made some dope shit together. I demoed another and another... but the first demo lit the fire. That was how my current single came about. He also named me 'Muse' because he felt inspired by what I was creating with his beats and wanted to create even more, which he would, when I was around. And I feel equally as inspired by him so it is a match made in heaven. Now, don't get me wrong, just because I didn't actively seek this career, I still love it. I'm hungry for it and equally as dedicated to it as I am my acting. I think it was something I ran from for a long time, being the daughter of a singer/musician. Sometimes the Universe has to show you who you are supposed to be; sometimes we get in our own way thinking we know what we are supposed to do but as an artist you must be open to using your gifts wherever and wherever they are called upon. That being said, I used my gift to write a song about my hoo-ha. Let's discuss a bit later.

2. You just dropped a new single, Kryptonite, under the name of Calliope Muse featuring Chedda Bang. Tell me about how you decide to use the stage name Calliope Muse.

About the name, I touched on it a little bit in that previous question/answer... I was named Muse because of the effect I have on my producer, artistically. I like to be creative, share ideas and collaborate and think outside of the box so I think that can get people's creative juices flowing too. I had heard something like that before and just laughed it off and took it as harmless flirtation but this time I saw I really did have a positive effect on other musicians/artists whenever I was in the studio (not to toot my own horn, this is what I was TOLD – and I'm not sure that is the case with acting, ha ha). But we all know there is a huge band named Muse so I had to find a twist to the name so I could keep the name that meant something to me and not get sued. I did some reading about the Greek Muses and learned about Calliope, who is the wisest and eldest of the Muses and carried a writing tablet and whatnot. I knew that was me. So hence, Calliope Muse. I also changed my name when I had the Rock band to “J”- no one called me by my name. The reason I change my name is because I feel that when I'm on stage as a singer I am another person in a way. Calliope Muse has a character of her own and taking on that personality is important to me and allows me to see the full vision for my music. Calliope is a side of me, not a made up character... In other words, Calliope says and does things the regular me wouldn't get away with.... Calliope is my more confident, street smart side. She has stories of her own to tell.

3. The song Kryptonite is the SHIT (and available via iTunes for $.99). In the song, you own the power of your sexuality (and let me tell you I know more than one woman back home that has been hoping and praying that you will take a dip into the coochie pool)....talk to me about working as a female hip-hop artist, that is a fierce feminist, in a musical genre where the commercial side of the genre (versus some of the independent and amazing political hip hop artists) that is not known for its feminist politics or its valuation of women.

First, THANK YOU. I have to side with the gay men on the topic of coochie, so my apologies ladies, it's not going to happen but I am very flattered nonetheless (and am rather curious about who is on this list!) I should probably leave some mystique for PR purposes but I'm not really about bullshitting. Much love and respect though, always. Moving on. Yes, Kryptonite is my retort to all of those ego-maniacal men who feel that their penis is so amazing it should be wearing a cape - I playfully call him “Captain Save-a-Hoe”. You know, the guy who thinks he's gonna whip you into submission with his awesome cock? Yeah. This is to that guy. “You think you're Superman? Not tonight. You heard 'em right, they call me Kryptonite.” The truth is, after some noteworthy feedback, it turns out I have some “skills” of my own and I got sick of hearing all that talk when I was the one coming out on top – pun intended. I know that isn't exactly “meaningful” in the literal sense but I believe that a lot of women are taught to be submissive, to “take it” in many areas of life. Sex is very related to power. For obviously sexual reasons, but also for self-esteem, self-empowerment reasons I believe it is important for a woman to feel sensually and sexually powerful. She may CHOOSE to play the submissive roll but she owns her body and her choices and her libido. Does that make me a feminist? I don't know. I am the kind of woman who enjoys chivalry but I ain't no punk, no what I mean? I love a gentleman but I am very capable. You'll learn a lot about how I feel as a woman when my full album is released. I go in on some subjects that will have you testifyin'... Which maybe is a good segue into the next part of your question. I don't know if I can define myself as a Hip-Hop artist by way of my part because I don't consider myself a rapper by any means. That shit is hard. But I do kind of blur the line a little (when you hear Kryptonite you'll get it) and I have authentic Hip-Hop tracks so my music will be played on Hip-Hop stations. But I really do care that people know I don't call myself a rapper. The whole point of who Calliope Muse is is to speak for a woman that I feel isn't really being represented in main stream Hip-Hop. I do not see myself in any of these women whose records get played 1000 times a day on every station. I buy my purse from the same place I buy my floor cleaner and I really do not care for wearing high heels, even though I can and will rock those bitches. But like, where is the regular but still super fly chick? She's down-to-earth but not “neo-soul”. She's strong and sexy but not raunchy. She is feminine but looks amazing in jeans, a t-shirt and some Chucks. Everyone is so over-the-top and caricatured right now - who can keep up with that? How is that real and how does anyone really relate? So my music and style is about that chick who is your trusted friend, the cool big sister – she is real, the girl in your hood but she still shines like a star and holds her own in the world whether she's got a dollar in her pocket or not.

4. You are beloved by queer men and you have spoken proudly, to me, of the acceptance you have seen from your producers towards queer folks...talk to me a bit about your work with the queer community...and a bit about why you are writing a song, as you told me, for your gays.

I work with men who are grown-ups, nawmean? They have gay associates/friends/family members. They are mature ethical men and respect that people are who they are and don't really give a shit who you're sleeping with. I won't say we have a rainbow flag hanging in the studio, per se, but if you are respectful of them, they are respectful of you, no matter who you are or what your background is. We do the music because we love it and if you come to us with a positive attitude and on good terms then that's all that matters - it's all about the music and nothing else. I, however, do love me some gays! I worked a lot with a theatre in Minneapolis (Pillsbury House Theatre) that addressed GLBT concerns and lifestyles in an awesome way and I began to not only become educated but formed some real friendships that allowed me to have some meaningful insight about the queer community. My love comes from recognizing the strength and courage it takes to be Out in this shitty world that does nothing but judge and persecute you if you are an “other”. I am an other - a Black woman, more specifically bi-racial so I can relate to that “we're not sure what you are but you're not like us” dynamic. I have Lupus so I have that stigma to work around as well. And you know, my mama just raised me right. Equal rights. So at any given time you may find me going off on someone in defense of the gay community. Sense of humor aside, I will check someone using hate speech in a hot minute. I take up for my friends. And let's face it, some of the most colorful, audacious humans in the world are the gays so how can you not love them! Hence my song. It's too sassy for hetero pants, if you know what I mean, so I must write it for my sassy gays – specifically the sassy gays since all gays are not the same, lesson number one. I don't wanna spill the beans but one of the lines is “Bitch, you're fierce. She ain't as cute as you.” It's going to be too fun.


5. First theater, now music, what's next in the life of Jamila Anderson aka Calliope Muse?

I am really just getting started with my career as Calliope Muse. The single is out on iTunes but we are getting a lot together as we speak so we can officially drop it. We will be shooting my music video in the next month or so, I am really excited about that. And I am collaborating in the studio with some major Hip Hop talents, like ChipFu of the Fu Schnikens who has been a blast to work with. (Some other names I can't leak yet but we will let you know if you stay plugged in to me...) So I have my work cut out for me for sure. We are releasing “Kryptonite” first on the FantoMusic Audiodrome album, which is a showcase of my producer Fantom's producing skills and the artists in our crew. This album is bananas, you'll love every track. Then we will later release my full album – total crack rock. But that is just the beginning... I am still an actor so that is always in my bag of tricks. You just never know where I'll pop up!

6. Thank you for spending some time with me! Where can folks find more information about you and your work/performances/releases?

I am on the usual social networking sites – facebook.com/calliopemusemusic and Twitter @TheRealCMuse. For a free listen to Kryptonite you can go to reverbnation.com/calliopemuse or buy it for $.99 on iTunes. Just stay tuned in with me and FantoMusic Audiodrome and we will announce important dates as they come. We really need that underground support right now because we believe this music is about the people and for the people and not the red-taped and industry bullshit. So check it out, let me know what you think.

Brandon, most patient friend of mine. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND SPACE ON YOUR DOPE BLOG!!! Love.

Calliope Muse is a real woman’s storyteller – telling tales of her life’s passions in the form of love and sexuality, frustration and anger. She fills the gap between the polished, glam R&B crooner and the over-the-top, ultra-raunchy rapstress by way of her identifiable “every-woman” style of lyrics and honest, lusty, heart-felt vocals. With Grammy-nominated, Staten Island Hip-Hop legend, FANTOM producing and supplying the dopest authentic hip-hop tracks, her music goes beyond thinking; it is about feeling and is a much-needed remedy to the redundant over-played and over-used themes and sounds of Hip-Hop and R&B of the current market. Calliope Muse is a true artist and a triple threat: Singer, Writer and Actress. She is awarded, versatile and experienced in the business of music – all while being fresh, innovative and relevant. Her latest single, “Kryptonite” (featured on the “Takers” Official Motion Picture Mixtape) will be officially releasing in the Spring of 2011 on the FANTOMUSIC AUDIODROME Album, with a self-titled debut solo album releasing soon after.

Calliope Muse – “You want this. You need this.”

Creating Change: Claiming My Place

For the last week or so, I was back home in Minneapolis. This trip was specifically to attend the Creating Change Conference. Creating Change, for those of you not in the know, is the largest gathering of LGBT organizers in the world, and it happens each February in a different mid-sized U.S. city. The conference is comprised of two days of day long institutes, plenaries, and hundreds of workshops. It stretches from Wednesday-Sunday, and the 2,500 people in attendance reads like the Who's Who of the movement for queer liberation.

This year was my 10th Creating Change conference since 1998. To give you an idea of where the conferences have gone, I have been to Pittsburgh, Oakland (twice), Atlanta, Milwaukee, St. Louis, Minneapolis, Denver, Miami and a couple that I have forgotten. Good grief.

When you first attend the conference, almost universally, you are overawed by both the content and the names that are walking about. One of my proudest moments was being yelled at by Barbara Smith at my first conference. Yes, THAT Barbara Smith of Kitchen Table Press and the Combahee River Collective. If like me in 1998, you don't know who Barbara Smith is...then you need to Google her now. Fierce. By about your third or fourth Creating Change, if you have continued your work in the movement, you start to realize that though the workshops and plenaries are powerful, the real work happens every day, all day long, in the hotel bar.

Let's be real...the hotel bar of every Creating Change IS the cigar smoke filled back-room of the LGBT movement. As I explained to some straight friends recently, power politics of the HIGHEST degree in the queer movement takes place during this conference. It's a case study in the way that American movements work in the non-profit industrial complex age. And what's even more mind numbing is that while some folks exude an essence of "player," power and access only have a superficial correlation to your current job title. In fact, your personal work is often more greatly valued than whatever position you may currently hold, and since most people at the conference change jobs like I change condoms during the conference, what pays your bills is often far down the list in terms of the access you might have.

I started attending Creating Change when I was a youth of 21 years old (and I had just turned 21...the conference used to happen, annually, in November). For the last 13 years, as I have worked within and outside of the movement, I have still been fairly awed by the conference. There are names and faces that would make me stutter and stammer, and while each year I have enjoyed fairly strong access to the decision makers in the movement, I still felt like one of the whippersnappers trying to figure things out and listening to whatever the hell Mr. Russell Roybal told me about what was REALLY going down.

I heart me some Russell. Yes I do. And I appreciate all the opportunities that he has provided me over the years.

But this year something different took place. For the first time, I had people walking up to me (that I didn't know) saying the same sort of things that I STILL say to folks...things like..."I READ ALL YOUR SHIT AND I LOVE IT!" Basically, I found myself in the shoes of the people that I have often found inspirational. I had people that knew my name, knew my work, read my blog, read things I've written in their college classrooms, and heard me speak at this or that place.

I felt OLD AS HELL.

I also felt extremely and totally humbled AND really very scared. And I mean both of those things.

Let me give you an example. I just finished writing my first novel. I am in the process of reading the whole thing through for the first time, and there are things that I wrote that are really very smart...(hold on...this isn't as egotistical as it sounds)...and while reading what I wrote I seriously could not 1) remember writing it, 2) understand where the poignancy came from, and 3) I fundamentally don't believe that *I* actually wrote it. Now I KNOW that I physically typed the words but there is a part of me that still believes those tapes that say I am not actually smart or fierce or beautiful or strong enough to have written those things.

Ain't life grand.

So, when these people came up to me and were saying these sorts of things, I got scared because I felt like a big old fraud. I was/am afraid that they are going to find out that really....I don't know what the hell I am talking about, that I make up half the shit I say, and that the other half is something I probably got from Wikipedia. Don't you laugh at me.

As the conference went on and person after person (almost always young people), said the same sorts of things, I thought to myself...you know what dude...you need to start believing in yourself. If these strangers can believe the things you put out in the world, don't you think you should?

Yep. I should.

The clincher for me was the fact that I got to present Mr. Kenyon Farrow with an award from Queers for Economic Justice at their annual event. If you don't know Kenyon, and if you don't Google HIM now, then you and I aren't friends.

Let me say that being asked to present someone that is at the core of what it means to be a progressive, radical and transformative change maker was humbling and a shock to the butt. I thought to myself (after I got done crying in front of a hundred people)...that if I am good enough to give an award to Kenyon, then I must not be those things that those tapes inside tell me.

So, this blog is my way of saying that right here and now I am going to go right on ahead and believe that I am smart. I am going to believe that I sometimes have something valuable to say, and that I am worthy of the leadership that has, from time to time, been entrusted to me by my peers.

Thank you all for helping me see myself better.

Statement of Solidarity with Activists Raided and Subpoenaed on 9/24/10

Below is a solidarity statement crafted by some folks from Minneapolis in response to the FBI raids. Information about signing on to the statement is included. Please distribute widely.

Statement of Solidarity with Activists Raided and Subpoenaed on 9/24/10

The raids and grand jury subpoeanas against antiwar and international solidarity activists on the morning of Friday, September 24, 2010 are not just an attack on particular activists, but on our movements for social justice as a whole. With a united voice, we condemn this repression; we demand the federal government cease its investigation and withdraw the subpoenas immediately; and we vow to continue our work for true justice.

We reject the allegation that the government's investigation into our movements is based on "material support for terrorism" in any form. This allegation is particularly ludicrous considering the terror tactics the U.S. government engages in on a daily basis, both globally and domestically. Aimed against valued members of our community, the raids against activists on Friday morning were particularly offensive to us. However, we recognize that they are unexceptional instances of repression when compared to the daily crimes against humanity carried out by U.S. imperialism.

We refuse to let the accusations of a notoriously untruthful, repressive government divide us in any way. Because an attack on one of us is an attack on all of us, we resolve to set any ideological or other political differences aside and respond in solidarity with one another. Our struggle will continue.

Signed,

(All organizational affiliations listed are for identification purposes only unless otherwise noted)

Adam Briesemeister
Adam Greeley
Alicia Ronney
Amy Selvins, AFSCME 3800
Andrea Palumbo
Andrew Carhart, AFSCME 3800
Andrew Somers, Students for a Democratic Society
Angel Buechner, Welfare Rights Committee
Angella Khan, Welfare Rights Committee
Anne Benson
Bill Sorem
Brandom Madsen, Socialist Alternative
Brett Hoven, UAW 879, Socialist Alternative
Brian Payne
Bruce Berry, Vets for Peace
Bryan Berry, Junkyard Empire
Bryan Jones
Catherine Salonek, Socialist Alternative
Chante Wolf
Charlene Wilford, Welfare Rights Committee
Charles Underwood
Christopher Clauson
Christopher R. Cox, Junkyard Empire
Chuck Turchick
Cian Prendiville, Socialist Party--Ireland
Coleen Rowley
Colleen McGilp, Women Against Military Madness
Communities United Against Police Brutality (organization)
Cynthia Clark
Dan DiMaggio, Socialist Alternative
Danny King, Welfare Rights Committee
Darryl Robinson, Communities United Against Police Brutality
Dave Bicking, Green Party
David Keuhl, Anti-War Committee
David Riehle, United Transportation Union
Deb Konechne, Welfare Rights Committee
Deborah Howze, Welfare Rights Committee
Dori Ullman, Communities United Against Police Brutality
Doug McGilp, IBT--Retired
Earl Balfour, Mayday Books
Earth Warriors are OK! (organization)
Elizabeth Raasch-Gilman, RNC 8 Defense Committee
Eric J. Angell, Our World in Depth
Erik Zakis
Eryn Trimmer, RNC8
Garrett Fitzgerald, RNC 8
Gary North
Gaylyn Bicking
Greg Gibbs
Hallie Wallace
Heather Haymond
Jaime Hokanson, RNC 8 Defense Committee
Jane Franklin, Twin Cities Indymedia
Janelle Colway, Communities United Against Police Brutality
Janet Nye, Green Party
Jean Heberle, Women Against Military Madness
Jennie Eisert, Anti-War Committee
Jim McGuire, Industrial Workers of the World
Joan Feakins
Joann Gonzalez, Welfare Rights Committee
Joanne Schubert
John Everett Till
John J. Braun, Twin Cities Peace Campaign, Pax Christi USA
John Kolstad
Joyce Wallace, Women Against Military Madness
June C. Conner, Welfare Rights Committee
Karen Redleaf, International Jewish Anti-Zionist Network--Twin Cities, Our World in Depth
Karthik Ramanathan, Minnesota Cuba Committee
Katie Molm
Katrina Plotz, Anti-War Committee
Kieran F. Knutson, Industrial Workers of the World
Kimberly A. DeFranco, Welfare Rights Committee
Kira Downey
Kristen Keuhl
Kurt Seaberg
Linda Leighton, IPAC, SEIU 284, Industrial Workers of the World--Twin Cities
Linden Gawboy, Welfare Rights Committee
Lucas de Gracia
Luce Guillén-Givins, RNC8
Marie Braun, Twin Cities Peace Campaign, WAMM
Max Specktor, RNC 8
Melinda McGowan
Melissa Hill, Twin Cities Indymedia
Mia Overly, Univ. of Minn. Students for a Democratic Society
Michelle Gross, Communities United Against Police Brutality
Michelle Mandeville
Mickey Patterson, Women Against Military Madness
Minneapolis Autonomous Radical Space (organization)
MK Davis
Monica Bicking, RNC8
Nicole Duxbury
Phil Grove
Phillip Lickteig
Phyllis Walker
Polly Kellogg, Professor, St. Cloud State University
Rachel E.B. Lang, National Lawyers Guild--Minnesota Chapter
Rebecca Zaremba
Riva Garcia
RNC 8 Defense Committee (organization)
Robert Heberle, Veterans for Peace
Roger W. Cuthbertson
Roshaun White, Communities United Against Police Brutality
Sandra K. Bandli
Scott & Carrie Support Committee (organization)
Socialist Alternative (organization)
Stephen Abraham
Sue Ann Martinson, Women Against Military Madness
Susan Kolstad
Susanne Waldorf
Suzanne Linton, Green Party of Minnesota
Theodros Shibabaw, Socialist Alternative
Thomas Dooley, Mayday Books, Veterans for Peace
Timmy Ramone, Usual Suspects
Tom Schumacher, Boneshaker Books
Tonia Secor
Treana Mayer
Ty Moore, Socialist Alternative
Virginia Amy Weldon, Welfare Rights Committee
W. Brandon Lacy Campos, My Feet Only Walk Forward
Welfare Rights Committee (organization)

If you would like to add your name and/or organization to this list, please email ActivismIsNotTerrorism@gmail.com.

We Shall Not Be Moved

On 9/24/2010 the homes of several of my friends in Minneapolis were raided by the FBI. My friends have been subpoenaed and ordered to appear before a Grand Jury on charges of providing material support to terrorist groups in Palestine and Colombia. The same happened to activists in Chicago and in other parts of the country.

This election year ploy to "look tough" by law enforcement and federal agencies is nothing more than an intimidation tactic in the long tradition of state and federal sponsored anti-justice organizing (reaching back to anti-farm workers organizing in the 18th century through anti-slavery and anti-suffrage work, right up to anti-union, civil rights, and the peace and justice organizing of today). Never have the state or federal government been allies to peace and justice work of whatever stripe, nor have those entities ever been more than reactionary to organizing for liberation, workers rights, fundamental human rights, or any other economic, peace, or justice work of, for, and by the people (no matter what the Declaration and the Constitution may declare). This is simply another, predictable, carry forward of a long history of COINTELPRO type programs aimed at destabilizing the forces for truth, peace and justice in this country (and around the world for that matter).

And let's be clear, it is no coincidence that during this time of political and economic instability (to state the obvious...the two go hand in hand), the time and elements are ripe for a coalition movement to challenge the underpinnings of the capitalist corporate state. The Tea Party movement, no matter how misguided, is one example of every day folks that are (sadly) trying to reinforce the corporate values of the system, which the system may not love but tolerates since it does not fundamentally challenge the base structure of power. But the government and those that benefit from the status quo are deathly afraid that the Left will use this strategic opportunity to call BULLSHIT on the continuing vicious corporate political cycle that creates Great Depressions and Great Recessions, Oil Crises, and Housing Crises, Health Care Crisis, and double digit unemployment.

And so, staying true to form, the government has decided that the best defense is a good offense.

WE SHALL NOT BE MOVED!

We see ourselves in solidarity with the liberation struggles of people without regard to man made, created, and colonial borders. We see ourselves in solidarity with women, people of color, queer folks, differently abled communities, working people, the working poor, developing nations and First Nation's Peoples. We see ourselves as true democrats, that believe in the empowered right of each person to participate in creating the structures and avenues for sharing power in a manner that respects the individual but sustains the communal. We reject corporate personhood and corporate democracy and corporatism that is ripping apart the heart of America and the world. We reject bailouts for those without need. We demand a fundamental right to free education, free health care, and freedom from the shackles of the corporate cycle which demands our labor while maintaining our poverty. We demand justice, and no invasions of our homes or intimidation of our friends, family, allies, or community is going to deter us from our work, our cause, and our liberation.

It's a damn shame when photographs of Martin Luther King, Jr, and Malcolm X are taken as proof of material support for terrorism.

We are not the terrorists, we do not participate in unjust attacks on our people, but the government, through these raids, has demonstrated that it does not share our principles. It has more in common with Al-Qaeda than it does with We the People.

Shame on you FBI. Shame on you Department of Justice, and shame on you Barack Obama.

We shall NOT be moved.

And so I call on each of you that believes in justice, that believes in peace, that believes that you have the right to live free from intimidation and fear from the government that is supposed to represent not repress you, to lift your voices against this injustice. Pick up your phone and call the FBI, call the Department of Justice, call the White House, and then call your Mama, your sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, ex-girlfriends, ex-boyfriends, your neighbors, your teachers, your students, random numbers out of the damn phone book and tell them about this injustice. Raise the cry and ask people to set aside their strategic differences and embrace their fundamental realities as peace and justice organizers. Trust, it doesn't matter if you are a progressive Democrat or a member of the Socialist Party, if you are to the left of Bill Clinton, then these attacks were aimed directly at you, at anyone that thinks like you, at anyone that would dare suggest that we live in an imperfect world with flawed values and that the answers and responses of the government are aimed only at ameliorating and not eliminating the root causes of why we find ourselves in this economic crisis. We are in a spiritual crisis, in a freedom crisis, in a justice crisis, and instead of reaching out to lift us up, the government has demonstrated that all it cares about is keeping us down, in our places, as cogs in the wheel of a broken system that doesn't work, doesn't serve, and doesn't give a damn about anyone or anything but the dollar.

Last time I checked the dollar didn't eat, breathe, sleep, make love, have children, cry, laugh or starve. The dollar doesn't go homeless or get sick. It doesn't die from neglect.

People do. Paper doesn't.

I stand with all those that were raided and intimidated on 9/24/2010. I choose people. I choose justice.

FBI Raids Activists Homes Across the United States

This afternoon, the FBI raided the homes of anti-war and solidarity activists across the country, including the homes of three personal friends of mine: Steff Yorek, Jess Sundin and Meredith Aby. For nearly a decade, I worked with Steff, Jess, and Meredith either directly through the Anti-War Committee in Minneapolis or through solidarity work around queer liberation, the Puerto Rican independence movement, and efforts to halt the march towards war in Iraq and Afghanistan.

These are women that I love and respect. I also know that they have done their work and organizing with integrity and respect. These raids are an election year ploy, and must be denounced by folks that believe in justice and the right to organize.

Statement from Fight Back News below. Also see coverage from Star Tribune, MPR.

http://www.fightbacknews.org/2010/9/24/activists-denounce-fbi-raids-anti-war-and-solidarity-activists-homes

Activists Denounce FBI Raids on Anti-war and Solidarity Activists Homes

Subpoenas, Searches, and FBI visits carried out in cities across the country
By Staff | September 24, 2010

We denounce the Federal Bureau of Investigation harassment of anti-war and solidarity activists in several states across the country. The FBI began turning over six houses in Chicago and Minneapolis this morning, Friday, October 24, 2010, at 8:00 am central time. The FBI handed subpoenas to testify before a federal grand jury to about a dozen activists in Illinois, Minnesota, and Michigan. They also attempted to intimidate activists in California and North Carolina.

"The government hopes to use a grand jury to frame up activists. The goal of these raids is to harass and try to intimidate the movement against U.S. wars and occupations, and those who oppose U.S. support for repressive regimes," said Colombia solidarity activist Tom Burke, one of those handed a subpoena by the FBI. "They are designed to suppress dissent and free speech, to divide the peace movement, and to pave the way for more U.S. military intervention in the Middle East and Latin America."

This suppression of democratic rights is aimed towards those who dedicate much of their time and energy to supporting the struggles of the Palestinian and Colombian peoples against U.S. funded occupation and war. The activists are involved with well-known anti-war groups including many of the leaders of the huge protest against the Republican National Convention in St. Paul, MN in September 2008. The FBI agents emphasized that the grand jury was going to investigate the activists for possible terrorism charges. This is a U.S. government attempt to silence those who support resistance to oppression in the Middle East and Latin America.

The activists involved have done nothing wrong and are refusing to be pulled into conversations with the FBI about their political views or organizing against war and occupation. The activists are involved with many groups, including: the Palestine Solidarity Group, Students for a Democratic Society, the Twin-Cities Anti-War Committee, the Colombia Action Network, the Freedom Road Socialist Organization, and the National Committee to Free Ricardo Palmera (a Colombian Political Prisoner).
Steff Yorek, a long-time antiwar activist and one of the activists whose homes was searched, called the raids “An outrageous fishing expedition.”

We urge all progressive activists to show solidarity with those individuals targeted by the U.S. Government. Activists have the right not to speak with the FBI and are encouraged to politely refuse, just say “No”.
Please contact info@colombiasolidarity.org or info@fightbacknews.org if you would like to provide support to the targeted activists.

Interview with a Musical Genius: Tori Fixx

In 2004, I was a featured performer at PeaceOut East the International LGBT Hip-Hop Festival in New York City. I was one of two folks from Minneapolis at the festival; the other individual was Tori Fixx.

I was blown away by his performance during the festival, and I thought it was hilarious that I had never met him in Minneapolis. In fact, it would be another three years before our paths crossed again. In 2007, I started hanging out with some fantastic human beings in the Twin Cities. I ended up playing softball with these peeps (SLAMMERS, YOU KNOW!) and volleyball. My life, for two years, was built around these amazing humans, and at the center of this community was the artist known as Tori Fixx aka DJ Naughty Boyy aka Lar'Isha Mae aka my friend Larry.

It is my honor and pleasure to share with you an interview with Tori Fixx. Also, DOWNLOAD ALL OF HIS MUSIC! I am currently listening to three of his newest tracks, and I am bouncin' in my chair like a drag queen in Atlanta during Freak Nik. His music IS the definition of HOTNESS!

I love you Isha.

Tori Fixx Bio

One of the pioneers of what is now called “out hip hop”; Rap, funk and R&B artist and one-time personal DJ for Prince - Tori Fixx is the Timbaland of out hip hop. The Minneapolis based Recording Artist, Producer, DJ; Vocalist & Emcee has been heralded as the “most ready for prime time” by music critic Ernest Hardy (Vibe, Rolling Stone) in the nationwide publication, The Advocate and he has appeared on The Tyra Banks Show, and CNN’s Paula Zahn Now show.


1.. The first time I met you was in 1994 at PeaceOut East, the queer hip-hop festival (which was funny because we were both living in Minneapolis, and I met you in NYC). Talk to me about that experience, what was it like to be around other out and proud LGBT hip-hop artists?

Not to quote Paris Hilton, but that was a HUGE weekend for me. For all of us, actually. Not only were there a bunch of out hip-hop artists and a massive concert weekend (by our standards) but we were filming a documentary that eventually became "Pick Up the Mic". I cannot explain how high I was that weekend, from the energy and love that was all around. Not really that "kum-by-ya" type of love but you could feel the power of the entire movement. We were all there for (and unified through) one purpose, Out Hip-Hop and to be amongst so much talent is indeed a Blessing. Even more so, in being an artist who's allowed to "be who I am" and still be allowed to take the stage and obtain the utmost respect is something that I'll never tire of and this happens everytime I'm at a function like Peace Out East.

2. How did you come up with the identity of Tori Fixx? Why Tori and not Larry?

It's a spiritual thing, really. Larry is like the "home base" for so many different talents and in the beginning of my career I found it difficult for people to accept one person utilizing so many of their talents all at once. For instance I'm a Dj, Producer, Remixer and Recording artist who makes House, Dance, Hip-Hop, R&B, Pop, New Age, and Movie Score music and that just doesn't sit right with people so one has to divide it all up. It just so happend that Tori Fixx "found me" after a battle with suicide many moons ago. I survived, thankfully but in being given a chance at life again I wanted to start over and do it right and eventually Tori Fixx was born as an outspoken hip-hop/activist who was both a person of color and openly gay. Plus it just had a nice ring to it. LOL.

3. Like many of the people that love you, I was transfixed to the television set the day that you were on the Tyra Banks Show. What was it like to have such a mainstream figure as Tyra do a show about homo-hop? Did that appearance have any impact on your career? Did it have any impact on the way that the general public thinks about hip-hop and R&B?

The taping of that show was great. It was one of those moments where I "just know" that this is the life for me. Tyra was so fierce. Plus she loves her gays. That first show was a "good start" but I think we actually needed an entire show and she even said so herself. I really felt like we had a short time to try and convince the world that we exist. It's been helpful with the career this far, but unfortunately more is needed. I'm still wishing for another show to come along (like Ellen) and pick up where that left off. Maybe get some performances in there as well. THAT would really let people know that the Out Hip-Hop community and music genre is ALIVE AND WELL......and it's just as HOT as anything on the radio, today.

4. You are a proud (and pretty) black man. How has your music been received in the black community?

It's been received pretty well, thus far but I really want to penetrate the community further. No, I'm not on the radio next to Beyonce. I don't have Beyonce budgets for things like fierce videos and other marketing so that means I have to do all that I can to try and get the attention of DJ's and potential fans and consumers alike. Right now all I care about is getting the music to the people, especially glbt people of color because this music that I make is truly FOR US and I'm trying to go every route possible just to get the music and the name further into the community and all around the world.

5. Your music exudes a sexuality and sensuality that is palpable...sometimes I listen to "Good Morn'ting," and think about the twins that were in the video and have to have some private time...how does your sexuality inform your music?

OMG. Thank you. I've always wanted to know if I could turn someone on with my music. My sexuality is a major part of my life and my life informs all of my musical creations so you're going to get it all. I can't help it. Sometimes I write things and later on go, "oooooh did I write that? Ooops!" I usually always write a song starting with the music and then I'll just play the instrumental for awhile until the lyrics come to me and that's how I get something that turns into "Good Morn'ting".

6. Finally, if people want to get them a piece of Tori Fixx or DJ Naughty Boyy (your DJ persona), where can they get some of you? Do you have any tours coming up? New albums coming out? Space for new mens in your life? Spill the T.

There is still space for a man in my life and if you know of someone in need of a good piece of chocolate in their life please send them my way. For better or worse they make for really great songwriting. LOL. As for the music.....umm, well I have about 4 projects in the works right now, maybe a few more. I just finished producing a NYC native named Jesse O. His CD Love & Go Crazy can be found on iTunes, also Shunda K (of Yo Majesty) is about to drop her new album featuring a handful of T. Fixx produced tracks. There's 2 Tori Fixx solo records in the making, and two duet projects as well. One of the projects is a group called LGTFX and its myself and another New York emcee named Lester Greene doing some serious out Hip-Hop/Electro-dance realness and we've been working on it for the past year and it's pretty much done now. Yet there's still MORE to come but I won't try and tell it all here just visit both of my websites (www.torifixx.com and www.djnaughtyboyy.com) and I always encourage everyone to feel free to spread the word.

Thanks again, BLC. Love uuuuuuuuuuuu!!!

Who We Date: Queer Men of Color and Race

A blessing that I have found as a writer and particularly through my blogging is that more often than I ever imagined, folks that read my writing come to me with questions wondering if I've ever written on the topic or wondering if I would share my thoughts on a subject.

With total and complete humility, I am really and truly honored when that happens. And sometimes, I don't have much to offer but I always try to share my thoughts honestly, including owning when I just don't know.

But now and again someone asks a question that I have not only thought about but also lived in a really personal way. Recently, a long time acquaintance of mine from Minnesota sent me a really honest and searching email. In some real ways he and I have had parallel journeys. We are both mixed race queer kids from Minneapolis. In fact, we both grew up in the same neighborhood. We are about the same age, and, in fact, though I didn't know him growing up, we have many friends in common. I met this gentleman almost as soon as I started going out to 18+ night at the bars in Minneapolis.

Unsurprisingly, in the mid-90s, he and I were two of a very very very small handful of queer men of color in the bars at the time.

When he wrote to me, he was asking if I had ever had the experience of having a black gay man ask me if I have ever dated a black man. Or, even more directly, accused me of being only into "hot white boys." He also asked if I have had the experience upon meeting someone in person or online and politely declining their interest if I have been accused, immediately, of my declination being about the color of the person asking, specifically, black skin. He also talked about the frustration of being in those moments and feeling that based on the place the conversation had gone that he was unable to answer honestly. For him, the honest answer is that he hasn't dated a black man. In my case the answer is yes.

But the distance between his no and my yes is not all that great.

Like my friend, I grew up in what is still the third whitest state in the country. In the last 15 years, Minneapolis as a city has diversified in leaps and bounds. The city that is now is not the city, demographically, that it was in 1995. There were no queer Latin nights at the bar. The black queer community was deep underground and it organized itself through a series of house parties. The queer Latino community also eschewed the gay bars for house parties and straight Latin clubs. Indeed, we knew who each other were at the salsa bars but it was a community in the closet--a really big closet. The Asian/Pacific Islander queer community at the time would throw late night BBQs in order to get together, and they would, from time to time, go out en masse and dance all together in the same corner of the bars. The gay bars were dominated by white gay men who felt absolutely no restraint in saying clearly and to your face, "I don't date black men." And, frankly, it didn't matter how light skinned a black man was...if the skin wasn't pearly white, then you weren't on the menu. There were the exceptions, most often white men that fetishized men of color, but, overwhelmingly, the message was quite clear: Black ain't beautiful in the queer community in Minneapolis.

Add to that the conundrum of the mixed race family. I have no idea the details of my friend's family, but I was raised by my white Mother and her family. And, although my Mom is now married to her fourth husband of color, I was deeply aware of how my own family struggled with race, and I knew some of our family history around race. In particular, I knew that my Mother's relationships with men of color had caused deep divisions in the family.

Throw on top of that all of the media messages we get about what constitutes beauty...and you have a trifecta of factors, particularly in a city with almost no visible queer community of color or examples of brown and black men loving each other openly, which has lead to many a person of color in Minneapolis that, indeed, is only into "hot white boys."

Further, my friend went on to discuss the fact that sometimes people are just attracted to a certain type of person, look, etc. And that there are folks that won't date someone because of their skin color, but he had a hard time wrapping his head around why folks would go into the world and start from a place of assuming that if they are turned down for a date/hook up by another man of color that the reason must be about race.

I really have no problem understanding that.

I have heard too many times and been told to my face or via chat on a hook up site that, "I am cute but I don't do XYZ," that I am suspicious, particularly with white men, when it comes to that. I don't assume the rejection is based on race unless they admit that it is, but when they do, I about lose my mind.

And, when a man of color asks me or accuses me of not being interested because he is black, I general have a very compassionate reaction and understand where that question originates. It originates in the very real racism, and in the case of queer men of color, internalized racism that exists overtly in the queer community. Unless said person that I've rejected is being a straight up biznatch, I generally am really clear about why it is that I am not interested...usually its because the man has a butter face, but, instead of saying that, I simply outline, nicely, that this or that isn't working for me. And, if necessary, I can always pull out my slut book and list off the 100 or so black men that I have quite happily dated and or rode like a mechanical bull at a country bar in Texas. Ahem.

That's Brandon now...Brandon in 1995 wouldn't have dated a black man to save his life. And that shit was all about me.

I grew up with a Step-Dad that beat my ass so badly that I still take anti-PTSD medication to this day. I grew up in a family where I received, never ever consciously, indirect messages that black was somehow bad--as I knew that my family had been angry with my Mother for dating black men....so....in a child's mind....logically....dating black men must be a bad thing. Being mixed race and one of the "smart kids," I had been given shit by other black kids in my neighborhood and all throughout school, so by the time I left for college, except for the black kids in my magnet program in high school, I didn't want anything to do with the community--and I had never experienced the very real and beautiful educated and loving black community that exists nor did I understand the roots of the anger of those beautiful black men that ridiculed me in school....I had been the target of anger from black men that were justifiably pissed off at white folks but since they couldn't attack them, I was the next best thing. And then coming out when and where I did and being told clearly that black wasn't beautiful was the final nail in my self-hating coffin. I then ran off to a school with exactly 9 U.S. born students of color about half of which were black. So, you know, not a lot of unlearning negative messages about blackness and beauty coming from that quarter (though there were a lot of white fake hippy children playing djembe and taking African dance...GOD HELP ME!)

I didn't think about any of that nor did I engage with any of that when looking at the men that I was dating, I just told myself that I just wasn't attracted to black men and that, you know, people are attracted to different people, so what's the big deal.

The big deal was all that shit beneath the surface that was the real reason why I wasn't attracted to black men...and it had nothing to do with black men, everything to do with me, but...and this is the part that is about community...by not engaging with the truth behind why I wouldn't date black men...and by turning a number of black men down...I was replicating the exact cycle of hurt that was dividing black and brown men from each other and made me unable to find my own people beautiful.

I was lucky. I transferred from my first college to the University of Minnesota, and Minneapolis had started undergoing a radical demographic shift and queer people of color were asserting themselves into the community. Folks were also pushing back against the racism found there. I started doing national work with other queer people of color and was given the opportunity to work in close community with loving people that knew EXACTLY the reason why it is so hard for brown men to love each other, and, through their gentle love, I was able to start seeing that my lack of attraction wasn't really just a "preference," but a result of a series of personal historical and community history events that decided for me what constituted beauty and attractiveness. I worked at a queer youth organization that was mostly queer youth of color organizing with other queer youth of color. And we all struggled around these issues together.

Finally, I made a decision that I was only going to date men of color and for almost four years that is exactly what I did. I had the blessing and the privilege to look into my own past, see my wounds, and work to heal them with other people that had experienced the same thing.

And because of that, to this day, when I am confronted by anger from men of color that immediately believe that I am not interested in them because of race...I understand. For me, now, it isn't true. And I am able to share clearly why it is that I am not interested in a particular person with the complete and secure knowledge that it isn't about race. (And I am fairly certain that the parade of nations that has made it way through my bed including some lesser known island nations in Micronesia is a certain indicator that the days of only white men in my bedroom are long gone). But I understand the anger. I appreciate the anger. And I hope that the reasons for the anger will one day no longer be there.

But that is going to take more intentional work on the part of brown and black men to examine the decisions we make, understand the decision we make, heal from any wounds that we have taken, and then look again at who we love and who we fuck. And, if at that point you still have a preference for this or that type of person that includes a particular shade of skin, you at least know that it is actually a preference and not a choice that was made for you by history, racism, and a standard of beauty that most often doesn't include men with skin like ours.

HIV, Criminal Conduct, and Reality

A man in Minnesota has been charged with willfully spreading HIV. According to the story and video clip, the man had sex with multiple partners, did not disclose his status, and at least one person has tested positive. In the cases in the video clipped, the man is NOT charged with rape, though I have heard from a friend of mine that he is charged with sexual assault from an earlier incident in February. While I am not going to comment on this man's guilt or innocence, I sure as hell am going to comment on the situation. The following blog post may seem a little disjointed, as I co

Did you listen to the story? Mike Freeman, Hennepin County Attorney, needs to check his facts. He said, "The man didn't have it [HIV] before, and a month later he did." Ummmm....any doctor will tell you that it takes, in general, a minimum of 3 months to have built up enough antibodies to detect HIV. Which means that the "victim" was having unprotected sex with more than just the accused.

Also, if the men were having unprotected sex with this guy and NOT asking his status, and there is no evidence that the dude lied, then it is not a leap to believe that they had unprotected sex with other men. How do they KNOW that this is the guy that transmitted HIV to them? Where the fuck is the responsibility on their end? Why is the blame/shame/burden always on the positive individual?

Also, were there drugs involved? I am going to go ahead and say most fucking likely. Regardless of the outcome, the accused's life is ruined.

As an HIV+ man that has struggled in the past with drug addiction, I can tell you that almost 99% of the time no one was asking anyone else about their HIV status when crystal meth was involved.

If you choose to have bareback sex then you CHOOSE the risk of contracting HIV. That choice is on you, the burden is on you, and the responsibility for the action is on YOU. Unless you can prove that you were RAPED or the sex was not consensual in some other way, the burden is on you. It was your choice to believe the man or to trust the man with your life, and now that you found out you made the wrong choice, you are going to lay the burden on someone else? BULLSHIT.

I am not perfect, but this case is more than just about the one dude (I hear that he is also charged with rape...that is another story all together)...but the precedent this will set if he is convicted on the spreading HIV charge as opposed to a rape charge is going to create such an overwhelming fear in positive people and a justified one...what if you don't disclose your status, you are having protected sex, and the condom breaks? Are you then a felon? What if you honestly believe you are HIV-, have unprotected sex, and then you find out you are after having infected someone else? Even your partner? Are you a felon? What if you and the party are both engaged in the use of illicit drugs....I am not perfect, and I carried a lot of guilt for a long time for my actions when actively using, but I will be damned if I carry the burden or the HIV+ community should carry the burden for the choices of others. It's just that simple, unfortunately the apparatus of the state and 20 years of fear mongering, gay baiting, and oppression are on the side of the Hennepin County attorney. And let's not forget that Mike Freeman is an elected official. The county attorney office led directly to the Senate for Amy Klobuchar. He is going to sensationalize this case as much as humanly possible to set himself up runs for hire office. The good tough attorney got this diseased predator off the street. What could be sweeter on the campaign trail?

I am curious to see what other cases Mike has made sure got into the paper? What other cases are on his case load? Why this case? Why this incident? I will tell you...H-I-V.

The continued stigmatization and scapegoating of positive people for the actions of negative people is based in shame and fear--the shame of the positive person that leads him or her to not disclose and the shame of the newly positive person that seeks to shed his shame by blaming everyone else for his HIV status except the person responsible: himself.

Let the witch hunts begin.

Minnesota!

So I love Minnesota. I betcha could never guessed. My beloved homeland has been in the news quite a bit lately. From electing Al Franken to the Senate and giving the Democrats the 60 votes needed to overcome a filibuster (that is if Lieberman's dumbass doesn't go all Sarah Palin rogue) to once again being at the top of the healthy, livability, education, arts, and economic recover lists...the land of 10,000 lakes (actually 11,842 lakes) is pretty much the best state in these here United States.

I even found out recently at a party with a professor of linguistics that the Minnesota accent is the fastest spreading in the country and can now be heard as far south as Kansas and Missouri, east to Ohio and west to Nebraska. BOOOOOOOOOYA!

Sure the state is frozen over from mid-November to mid-April. And yeah I remember once it snowed on May 1st, and there was that one time that it snowed four feet over night on Halloween and I went trick or treating with a sled, but other than the time when the air temperature with windchill was -90 degrees and the Governor shut down all the schools in the state, Minnesota is awesome.

Minnesotans are also the toughest creatures on the planet.

I mean I just explained to you that other than Polar Bears and Penguins, no other living creatures roam about in -90 degree weather except Minnesotans. And not only do we roam about, we throw parades. There is a parade called the Holidazzle that runs every night from Dec. 1 until December 31 at exactly 6pm along Nicollet Mall in downtown Minneapolis. That is after nightfall ya'll. Almost every January we build a LIFE SIZE castle out of giant ice blocks and put on a festival we call the St. Paul Winter Carnival. Every year the city of St. Paul buries a golden medallion in the snow somewhere in the city and thousands of people search for weeks for the medallion...the lucky winner takes away $15,000. The longest dog sled race in the world outside of the Iditarod takes place in Northern Minnesota. Those cowboy boot wearing pansies in Texas ain't got nothing on Minnesota pride or Minnesota tough.

It also helps that we have several of the top public and private higher education institutions in the world in our little old state. My high school, Patrick Henry, in North Minneapolis has been named one of the top high schools in America by U.S. News and World Report every year for about a decade, and who else has the Mall of America...no one else that's who. Shoot.

Oh yeah, and we were the first state to include gender identity in our state's human rights act. DOUBLE BOOOOOOOOYA!

We've elected six independent governors in our state's history, and Minneapolis has 22 lakes within the city limits. Sure, we have a ridiculous shit stain asshole of a governor that would have sucked whiskey from George Bush Jr's tit if he thought it would get him into the White House, but, you know, we can't be PERFECT otherwise those nasal talkin' cheese eatin' Sconnies would want to move into Minnesota. I would have to hire some Minutemen to move to Minnesota and guard our Eastern Border. I welcome undocumented immigrants to Minnesota. It's Wisconsinites I can't stand.

Minnesota is the shit. You betta recognize!

Everyday Heroes: Pookie

In 2003, I was standing outside of my four-plex on 15th Avenue South, right on Powderhorn Park, in Minneapolis. It was the first Sunday in May, which in my neighborhood meant one thing: MAY DAY PARADE!

The May Day Parade in Minneapolis is no joke. What started as a small gathering of local hippie types has turned into the largest neighborhood festival in the Twin Cities. Fifty thousand individuals gather to watch a spectacular event that celebrates labor rights and the return of Spring. Life size and larger than life puppets, created by In the Heart of the Beast Mask and Puppet Theater, wander through the South Side and entered the park directly across the street from my former residence.

On this particular May Day, Lindsay Selvig, a former friend and colleague of mine waltzed over and introduced me to her girlfriend: Andrea Nordick. Little did I know that Andrea aka Pookie would become one of my best friends. Lindsay and Andrea broke up shortly after I met Andrea (from hence she shall be referred to as Pookie). The summer after their break up, Pookie and I became reacquainted as volunteers for a summer youth leadership social justice program of the Unitarian Church. Pookie, my pal Gunnar, and I were adult allies that provided mentorship to the program run by my junior high school (now former) chum Quiana Perkins (is it a coincidence that my two former friends Lindsay and Quiana are now bosom buddies...me thinks not). Anyway, that summer I discovered that Lindsay's portrayal of Pookie was actually a project of Lindsay's nutso crazytown behavior on Pookie. To be real, my love Pookie has her own struggles...but in a crazy contest between Lindsay and Pookie...Lindsay would end up in a dark padded cell, in a dirty straight jacket, licking the backs of Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches while Pookie would get off with some light therapy.

Not long after that summer, I received an email from Pookie about a job opening at the Girl Scout Council of Greater Minneapolis. At the time, I was stil working with Lindsay at YouthLink, Minnesota's largest service agency for homeless youth. I applied for the gig at the Girl Scouts, and a few months later I was switching offices from downtown Minneapolis to Sabathani Community Center.

Pookie and I started having lunch a few times a week at Quang's (best Vietnamese EVER), and that lunch time relationship morphed into a powerful friendship. There is nothing that Meatballs over rubbery rice noodles and bun (pronounced BOON) with beef and fried tofu can't handle.

Since the fall of 2004, Pookie and I have supported each other through many a hard time. We have laughed together, cried together, and she even hid cereal from me. Pookie is now a brilliant lawyer, continues to be a brilliant friend, and, though she is a major worry wart and an OCD clean freak (beware of FRANKY)...I love her tons and tons and tons and tons and tons.

She is one of my everyday heroes.

The King of Pop is Dead! There Will Be No Other King.

I am not going to tell a lie. I love Michael Jackson. I used to tell folks that I didn't care what he supposedly did...he could put out a record from prison, and I would have bought it. He was a consummate entertainer...anyone that grew up anywhere that received radio waves or a television signal tried to Moonwalk and could do at least one move from Thriller on command. There are whole lost native tribes deep in the Amazon that are doing the Moonwalk right now. I swear to God.

Since Michael falleció yesterday afternoon, the entire Milky Way has been abuzz with commentary on his life and death. Overwhelmingly people remember him fondly. Many folks have shit to say about the man and his life. Let it not be said that I do not support a critical review and recounting of a man's life. Martin Luther King was a womanizer that cheated on his wife. JFK was bangin' Marilyn Monroe in the White House, and Bill Clinton most definitely had sex with that woman. But, those things are not the sum of who they were. Michael Jackson may have touched those children inappropriately. A court said no. The court of public opinion has other ideas. But, in the end, the outpouring of love has not been about Michael Jackson the flawed and flayed man...but Michael Jackson the artist that is inimically tied to the memories of so many of us from the MTV generation and before.

The first piece of music I remember, as a child, was an 8 Track of the Jackson Five that my step-Dad would bump, high on cocaine, as we shot down Lake Street in Minneapolis at 70 to 80 miles an hour. As a child choral star, I often fancied myself as the next MJJ...though I have seven siblings...and my sister Meta and I would have come to blows over who sang lead.

Simply put, there isn't a period of my childhood that doesn't have a Jackson Five or Michael Jackson song as part of its soundtrack. In 1985, my Mom moved us to Kansas City to live with Keith, who would eventually become step-Dad II. We had a lively neighborhood with a number of kids. In the Summer, would all play together in the streets and in each others yards...roller ball...hide and go seek...double dutch...drill team. We would fight, would celebrate, and I saw my first titty when Kenya lifted up her shirt on my back porch. Running through all of that was Michael Jackson. When “We Are the World” was released, you would have thought that Michael and Stevie and Cyndy and the rest were going to swing through Africa and then stop by our neighborhood on their way back to their lives as superstars. It didn't matter what we were doing...when the opening chords of We Are The World floated out of some one's open window...we would scream for Mrs. So and So to turn it up...a hush would fall...and then the entire damn neighborhood would start to sing.

Never in my life before or since has any...and I mean...ANY singer commanded an immediate silence and homage of an entire neighborhood of 8 to 12 year olds engrossed in play time. Michael Jackson belonged to us. When he Moonwalked...all of our asses Moonwalked.

When my sister Meta got to go to the Bad concert...I wanted to kill her, bury her body, die my hair blond, bleach my skin, take her ticket, and go to the show. I thought life in prison was a fair cost for seeing Wacko Jacko live. And when Remember the Time came out...combining my favorite singer with my favorite actor, Eddie Murphy, set in my favorite time period, Ancient Egypt, I thought for sure I had died and gone to Pop Culture Heaven.

Several years ago, the old Sears building on Lake Street in Minneapolis was converted into condos and lofts, and I moved in. It had been the second largest Sears in the world, and my Mom worked there when I was a child. There was one cold, wintry night when we were in the car. Mom went in to get her paycheck, and she left the radio on. On that night, I heard a song so beautiful that I was crying as I was singing because, I too, was “Talking to the Man in the River.” Yes lawd. I thought the man was talking to the Man in the River...and instead of the line being “it couldn't have been any clearer,” I swore (and sang)...”I couldn't bend any quiver.” But damn the words...the song moved me...and to this day it is one of my top five favorite songs.

From “Off the Wall” to “History Part One,” I am a devoted Michael Jackson fan. We may never know who the father of “Billie Jean”'s baby was...but Michael Jackson was a “Thriller”...and, tonight, right now, in his honor...I am a "Dancing Machine.” Michael baby...in Heaven...ain't no such a thing as "Black or White." Say hello to Farrah for me...and Tito...and Celia....Isaac Hayes...and Marvin Gaye...when I get there...we gonna have us a concert that is going to overshadow the Second Coming.

Hey glory.

Minnesota Part Three: Scooby Doo Where Are You?

Saturday dawned with a glorious fury matched only by Bebe Benet in her Lion King wig. To say that it was a perfect day would diminish a temperature that felt as if you were immersed in a warm bath, cooled to the universal ideal behind the idea of the most gently caressing breeze. Mercurial gold slicked cat's eye green oak leaves, tossing stately broken shadows across uniform grass blades marching in military precise waves across the open field, as I arrived, late to my own damn barbecue in Powderhorn Park.

The third day of our trip was the time I had scheduled to see the bulk of the people I adore that live in Minneapolis. Since my Mother moved north to Duluth in early spring, I could no longer slip into the city and make excuses for not visiting the extended family. So, in a five and a half day trip to Minnesota, I had to squeeze in three cities roughly 500 round trip miles from each other. Thus, there was no way in hell that I was going to be able to spend quality one-on-one time with the people I love. As a matter of fact, only Susan and Rocki, Taylour, and Pookie and Wifey were able to get some sit down time...much of that having to do with luck and flexible schedules.

So, before heading to Minnesota I sent out an invitation to my friends asking them to join me for a four hour cook out in the best damn park in the world: Powderhorn. Powderhorn is a mecca in Minneapolis. As a child, I lived a block from the park. It figures in to many of my best childhood memories. As an adult, following college, almost organically, most of my close friends from undergrad moved into the neighborhood. In the late 90s, Powderhorn was undergoing a Renaissance that only marginally relied on gentrification. Long term residents began taking back control of the neighborhood from working poor folks that had turned to drugs and prostitution to make ends meet. A vibrant arts community began flourishing. Progressive folks and like minded queer women expanded their hold on the area. The neighborhood participated in a queer invasion of City Hall by elected one of three queer council members (of 13 total) to the City Council in the early 2000s. And, by a margin of less than 100 votes, narrowly missed putting a third Green party member on the Minneapolis City Council.

The park, roughly a mile in circumference, sits hidden in the middle of the neighborhood, with a natural lake sitting smack dab in the middle. This park, incidentally, is also home to the May Day Parade...a celebration of labor and the return of Spring that draws more than 50,000 people to the 'hood each May.

This particular June day, about 30 of my close friends showed up to cook and eat and eat and cook. Children abounded including Giselle and Isa, my two nieces...daughters of my fam Rodrigo and Nubia. The kids lovingly refer to me as Tia (Aunty) Brandon. Of course, Isa runs up and gives me a hug. From behind her back she pulls a delightfully colorful art piece and announces, “Tia Brandon...this is for David.”


I almost dropped her. She hadn't even MET David yet. And here he is, movin' in on the love and devotion reserved to Tia Brandon.

Actually, David spent most of the day playing with the girls, and they absolutely loved him and he them. It made me smile broadly to see it.

By 1pm, we had three grills going with kabobs, veggie burgers, corn on the cob, wieners, and Hmong sausages going. To date, I have never ever eaten anything in the sausage family that tastes like Hmong sausage. Find the nearest Hmong person you can...and beg them to make or direct you to where you can find these sausages. Trade one of your children for them if you have to. I promise. It's worth it.

At the fiesta were my unfailing group of friends: The Scoobies. The Scooby Gang aka Team Superflick aka The Ultramoviastic Squad is comprised of Peter, Debbie, Hayley, Dawn, Cathy, David, Kristina, myself and Jesus with adjunct members Ruben, Anna Mikelson, Erik Streed, Eric Hardisty and, now, David. We have also added two junior members, Lucia and Gabriel, with the newest and most junior member, Samuel, still in vitiro. Most of the group went to high school together (Kristina and I were the odd balls out), and all of us have known each other since at least high school...with the exception of David and Ruben (they married into the family). But, through rehab and funerals, birthdays and births, we have been there for each other for a long, long, time. I expect that I will be at the funerals of these people (or they at mine) depending on which of us kills the other first...probably over a game of Phase 10 gone horribly horribly wrong.

With only a small fire, started by Boa who threw still smouldering coals into the metal garbage can, to mar the day...it was with great sadness that I wished all the amazing friends/family that came out to say hello, a loving farewell.

David and I loaded the leftover Cheez-Its into the rental, and made our way two hours North by Northwest to Brainerd to visit family.

Now, my family history is a bit complicated. My Mother has been married four times, my Father has been married twice, I was raised by my first step-father until I was 13, and through him I came to have another step-Mother named Melanie, who had a daughter from a previous relationship. My birth father was remarried to my step-Mom Becky, from whom he is now divorced, and they had four children together, one of whom died as a child. Are you confused yet? Lost? No worries...I had to draw David a map.

From these various family mixings I have five biological siblings: Jason, Julius, Jasmine, Shannon and Kinchee (who died when he was an infant). I also have three additional siblings, two of whom that are related to my brother Jason by blood, Ella and Clinton, and one sibling that is not related by blood to either me or my brother but is the half sister of Ella and Clinton.

If some Baginses are Boffins and some Boffins are Boyles, who won Britain's Got Talent?

In the end, as I told David, it doesn't matter the blood status...I have eight siblings: Jason, Jasmine, Shannon, Julius, Clinton, Ella, Kinchee and Meta. I am the oldest of the bunch. I have “known” all of them since birth except for Meta, who I met the day before her 6th birthday, and I love each of them fiercely.

And, Melanie, who has never been legally a Mother to me, was most definitely a Mother to me...including the year that I lived with her in the 7th grade. Family is family...and only antiquated Euro-centric systems of family value blood quantum over emotional attachment, love, and support.

Our Saturday was filled with family, memories, and a whole mess of Mayflies that had hatched and carpeted the walls and tables of the lakeside restaurant where we had dinner that night. But no infestation of mayflies could dim the joy of spending a glorious day, surrounded by family and friends, and reveling in the love with which the world has blessed me.