I Love Old White Women

It's true...I totally love old white women. Specifically, I love several old white women that have been working it for years and continue to work. To be more specific, I am talking about Phyllis Diller, Carol Burnette, Carol Channing, and that best of the best of elder white funny ladies....Miss Betty White.

First let me take a moment to congratulate Miss Betty White on her Emmy win on Saturday for her guest appearance on Saturday Night Live. If you missed the episode that she hosted, you have done yourself wrong. This woman had me laughing so hard, I thought one of my nuts was going to shoot out of my crotch and rocket into orbit. My favorite was her skit with Molly Shannon as Sally O'Malley. Between Betty, Tina Fey, and Molly I was just about put in the ground from an overdose of hilarity.

But, really, I love old white women.

Whether you are talking about my Grandma or Betty White, elder white women seem to transcend race, class, and sexuality. They metamorphose into these semi-crotchety hilarious beings that even when they aren't trying to be funny, end up cracking me up. They have this confidence and conviction about them that says, basically, I don't give a fuck. Some of them, like Vicki Lawrence, will straight up come out an tell you that she doesn't give a fuck. Refined ladies like the now late Dixie Carter would have batted immaculately curled eyelashes and said, "I don't give a fuck...bless your heart."

Basically, I think around age 80, old white ladies magically transform in black women. It's true. They start to say shit that they would never have said thirty years before. They start to tell the damn truth and don't care how it sits with you, and their funniness quotient goes up about 75%. Those are all admirable qualities of black women. And....like black women....you know better than to mess with an old ass white lady with one foot in the grave. She will take you out and smile while doing so. "The secrets in the sauce."

TOWANDA! I am just saying.

So today, in honor of Betty White's Emmy win...I raise a toast to all the old white ladies in the world. This season of Glee will feature at least one episode as Carol Burnette as Sue Sylvester's Mom...Carol Channing is still out in the world, well....Palm Springs which is not really reality, cracking people up, and I think Phyllis Diller is one of the undead. So, thank you old white ladies for making us laugh, making us cry, and making us take ourselves a little less seriously. And to you Betty, thank YOU for being a friend.

Rest in Peace Dixie Carter

I am a child of the 80s. Whenever that email forward comes around and lists 100 things from the 80s that should resonate with those that grew up in the 80s, I resonate with 115. From the Monchichis and the Smurfs to Different Strokes and Designing Women, I grew up in a time when all the world's problems were solved in 30 minutes by Mr. Drummond, Mrs. Garret, Mr. Huxtable, and the Golden Girls.

I grew up wishing desperately that I lived with M'am and George in a house with secret rooms and a hidden stairwell behind the grandfather clock in the living room. I reveled in the fact that Punky Brewster's dog's name was Brandon and my middle name was Brandon. I can still, to this day, sing the theme songs to just about every 1980s sit com, Saturday morning cartoon, after school cartoon, and children's show from Sesame Street to the Great Space Coaster. And in high school, when Bob Ross (aka the Channel 2 Art Guy...the white man with the Jewfro that drew happy trees) died...I went into three days of deep mourning.

But, other than Nell Carter, no TV female personality from the 1980s impacted my life more than Dixie Carter aka Julia Sugarbaker aka Mr. Drummond's wife and the mother of Sam on Different Strokes.

I have had three step-father's in my life in addition to my birth father. So when Mr. Drummond decided to remarry and brought a step-mom into the house, I finally felt like I had found a home on prime time television. Add to that the fact that Dixie Carter was as sassy as my own Mother and had a beautiful Southern accent like my Father, and it was love at first sight.

When Designing Women debuted, I was hooked. There was a black man on the show that I loved (Meshack Taylor), and it was four strong, independent, and funny women that took life by the balls and lived it according to their own desires. I watched my Mama doing the same thing, and I loved the show for validating her existence. Since birth, I have been drawn towards strong, sexy, independent, powerful femme women, and Dixie Carter was my goddess. And when the episode aired wherein Dixie stands up for her sister (Delta Burke...another favorite of mine)...I too knew why that Night the Lights Went Out In Georgia.

I know that Dixie was a conservative Republican, but the fact that she, in her art, addressed issues such as blended families, multi-cultural families, valuing ex-convicts, feminism, and sexuality...I can forgive her for being a product of her geography. No one will remember Dixie the Neo-Con, but everyone will remember the Designing Woman.

We lost a great actress and a strong woman yesterday, and I, for one, will always remember her fondly. Say hello to Bea Arthur for me, and do some dirty dancing with Patrick Swayze...one day we will all hang out, have a mint julep, and reminisce about the decade of Greed and the popular culture that forced America to start seeing some realities that it had tried to hide or deny for a very long time. Rest in peace, Dixie. I love you.