United States of Afghanistan or NYC Democracy Dies

Welcome to New York City, the capital of Venezuela...or maybe it's Ecuador....or perhaps Cuba...or maybe Haiti....could be the Central African Republic....might be Liberia...pick a place that has had a dictator that has engineered an overturn of constitutional or legal term limits...and had themselves re-elected...and that is what New York has become.

The next time that someone has the nerve to say some shit about a "Latin American dictator" engineering their own perpetual electoral victories over the will of the populace, I am going to punch him or her in the face and scream "BLOOMBERG" at the top of my lungs.

I am a wee bit depressed.

Last night, I spent a couple of very chilly hours on a street corner in Astoria encouraging folks to cast ballots for Lynne Serpe. At the site where I was standing, more than a dozen people passed by letting me know that they had, indeed, voted for Lynne. The people that voted for Lynne were damned excited. It's rare to see people that are happy about voting. Other than Obama voters, I have never really had that experience (well, people that voted for Peter Hutchinson in the Minnesota Gubernatorial election in 2006 also were extremely confident in the justness of their votes).

Lynne last night managed to bring in 23% of the vote against an extremely popular incumbent. Lynne was the Green Party candidate, and she out fundraised, out organized, and out shone Peter Vallone, so much so that he launched an attack direct mail piece days before the election in which he did NOT attack Lynne but instead attacked the Green Party on an issue of "national security."

Vallone was one of the diabolic cadre of fucknuts that voted to overturn TWO popular referenda that established CLEAR term limits for city wide office holders in the city of New York. I swear to Sweet Jesus that if a Latin American leader used a parliamentary vote to overturn two popular referenda in order to hang on to power, there would be screams and shouts and bellows and condemnations from every "democratic" corner in the world. France would tsk tsk, the UN would issue a statement, and the U.S. President would have harsh words for X President that would instantly become a "dictator" in the popular imagination.

Yet, just as with the election stealing of George W. Bush, when dictatorial anti-democracy behavior happens in the United States it is chalked up to the wheels of democracy turning and Divine Providence.

FUCK THE DOUBLE STANDARDS THAT WE APPLY TO THE WORLD.

I am so fucking pissed off today. I was so depressed last night that I ate two McDonald's cheese burgers, an order of fries, three fried chicken wings, a slice of cheese pizza, two empanadas, and three mini pigs-in-a-blanket. Talk about stress eating.

It so deeply fucks with my mind that the general populace so readily and blindly accepts the "Do As We Say Not As We Do" philosophy without thought. The same douche nozzles (thanks Gracie) that scream about the vagaries of young democracies are the same ones that hop, skip, and jump to participate in the gutting of democracy right here in our own back yard.

Last night was a democratic sham. Michael Bloomberg is a fucktard billionaire that proved once again that the rules of democracy do not apply to the mega wealthy. Peter Vallone is a small dick bastard that should be strung up by his nutsac with chicken wire dipped in sulfuric acid for his crimes against democracy and his electorate.

I declare again that America is about as much of a democracy as I am the Prince of Wales.

As the French would say, "FUCK YOU BLOOMBERG AND VALLONE."

PS Minnesota once again proves that it understands democracy as St. Paul, the state capital, has joined Minneapolis in approving Ranked Choice Voting as its preferred election process. THANK YOU FAIRVOTE MINNESOTA!

A Little Bit About Me

My gal pal Divine Grace sent me one of these ridiculous questionairres via Facebook. Her answers were, well, hilarious. I figures since 1) it's nice sometimes to share a bit about myself with my readers that isn't angry or overly deep, and 2) I am exhausted after playing gay softball from 8am until about 12pm and then working out for an additional two hours, and 3) since I just made and ate a kick ass dinner, and 4) I am lazy as hell, I thought I would repost the survey I answered right here.

By the way...Divine has an amazing blog that is so so wrong yet oh so damn right. Click on her picture, and it will, like the song, take you there.

So here it is, the survey Miss Divine sent my way. Thanks Sugar...you owe me 20 minutes of my life that was sucked into a great Survey Hell Vortex.


1. What time did you get up this morning? 7:32am

2. How do you like your steak? If it isn't still mooing it's overcooked.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (I vomited 15 times during the movie)

4. What is your favorite TV show? Is that the box with the moving pictures that tells me stories?

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? In the land where Rivers are made of cosmopolitans and lakes are filled with fried chicken and collard greens.

6. What did you have for breakfast? A banana...big...thick....long...

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Hmmmmmmmm I love NOOOOODLES. Thai, Vietnamese, but not Chinese...too short.

8. What foods do you dislike? Dirt.

9. Favorite Place to Eat? (I almost peed myself at Divine's response to this one)...preferrable at the kitchen table.

10. Favorite dressing? Creamy Italian...or a Creamy Puerto Rican.

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? I don't think riding the subway counts as driving.

12. What are your favorite clothes? If it doesn't have a hole in the crotch and soy sauce stains on it...I'm good.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Uranus or any anus for that matter.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? I prefer to take my fluids intravenuously.

15. Where would you want to retire? By the time I am old enough to retire...the retirement age will have been raised to "dead."

16. Favorite time of day? Dawn/Dusk...it's when the vampires know to wake up and go to bed.

17. Where were you born? Duluth, Minnesota...I can pretty much promise I was the only mixed race, black, white, puerto rican, and native american born there in 1977....or since.

18. What is your favorite sport to watch? Anything where the guys have round butts and small tight shorts.

19. Who do you think will not tag you back? President Obama

20. Person you expect to tag you back first? Michael Jackson

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? Chastity...I mean Chaz...Bono

22. Bird watcher? Only after I've had too much absinthe.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person? I only wake up at Noon and Midnight.

24. Do you have any pets? David.

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? I qualified for projecticle vomting for the 2012 summer games.

26. What did you want to be when you were little? A Vampire

27. What is your best childhood memory?Have you seen my childhood?

28. Are you a cat or dog person? Dogs....whether on two legs, four legs, or doggie style.

29. Are you married? I ain't got no ring yet...at least not one above my penis.

30. Always wear your seat belt? Man...I grew up watching those crash test dummy commercials. Heck yeah.

31. Been in a car accident? A fender bender.

32. Any pet peeves? PEOPLE WHO SMACK THEIR FOOD SHOULD BE GUTTED AND FORCED TO EAT THEIR OWN INTESTINES.

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings? Anything I can fit on top of it made of once living flesh.

34. Favorite Flower? Sunflower. What. I'm gay.

35. Favorite ice cream? Vanilla with chocolate covered almonds. Same way I like my men.

36. Favorite fast food restaurant? Burger Queen

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test? Never. Of course, I didn't take it til I was 23.

38. From whom did you get your last email? Lynne Serpe candidate for NY City Council from Astoria

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Christopher Street Adult DVD

40. Do anything spontaneous lately? I just farted.

41. Like your job? Love it.

42. Broccoli? Love it.

43. What was your favorite vacation? College.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with? Nasia

45. What are you listening to right now? I farted.

46. What is your favorite color? Cash Money Green.

47. How many tattoos do you have? Uno...for now.

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz? A few.

49. What time did you finish this quiz? Unfortunately, it hasn't ended yet.

50. Coffee Drinker? I brew my own...it comes out if you squeeze my left nipple.

Hamhocks and Witches

Last night I ate a bowl full of hamhocks and blackeyed peas before bed. In addition to having gas from hell...I had a very interesting dream.

The dream began with me as a child...I had spontaneously sprouted magnificent wings, and, a la X-Men, I shaved them off using a giant file to hide my shame and to please my parents. As I grew, I learned to love my wings, and I refused to remove them. I was chased through the night by police that were seeking to force me to cut them off or kill me. They didn't know who I was, and I managed to soar and then dive between two houses in my neighborhood. Quickly landing in my back yard, and ducking into the house.

Later that night I had to attend a black tie fundraiser with my parents. I had grown into quite the strapping young adult. I had bowed to pressure and shaved the wings off one last time. I was to appear in a fashion show that evening, as I also had a budding career as a model.

I got to the black tie event and it turned out that I was actually in a charity fashion show. As I arrived, I felt a familiar itching on my back, and my wings returned bunched under my Armani suit coat. I was distraught.

David was there, and he was directing the show. He quickly removed my jacket, and my white shirt, and with a pair of scissors constructed for me a white outfit that hugged my chest and my package, displaying the best of both. He then cut up a black belt, grommeted it, and then made a nut cup out of each, which he then cinched around my waist and pulled snug up to my crotch. The outfit was fierce. I slipped on black motorcycle boots, and unfurled my wings. All the other models had wings as well, though theirs were fake. David reassured me that I blended in. I walked the runway, and realize that my wings were a mighty gift, and I vowed never to be parted from them again.

When my Mother saw them she grew angry. She was a powerful witch, and I was afraid she was going to attack, so I flew from the end of the stage and out of the theater to thunderous applause.

For a while I escaped, and I lived happily. I was at a party with some friends, when, all of a sudden, a deep gouge appeared on my hand and began bleeding profusely. There was no apparent source of the gouge, and, a moment later, a strip of flesh was peeled from my heel.

I was under attack.

I grabbed a container of Morton's salt and drew a circle around myself. I knew the Witch was attack, and I knew she couldn't reach me through the salt circle. Unfortuantely, the other folks at the party thought I was drunk, and they kept walking into the kitchen and through the salt circle. Each time they did, I sustained an attack and desperately sealed the circle. I shouted at the idiots to keep out of my circle, but they mocked me and kept moving through to get their drinks.

The dream shifted then, and I was hiding out in a beautiful spacious house in Brooklyn. The home was owned by my friend Lynne Serpe. The sun was shining, and a beautiful yard could be seen through the back bedroom. It was fall, and a half bare sycamore tree stood, it's bark grey-green and smooth, just outside of the window.

It was a place that I wanted to live, but I told Lynne I could only do so if we moved it to Manhattan. Common sense...even in a dream.

Suddenly, the room was flooded with a circle of my women friends...all good witches. Another attack was coming from my Mother, the Witch, and they knew it. They laid matts on the floor so that the salt circle would be less easily disturbed. They covered the entire floor in these matts. I then created a large circle around myself of salt that remained inviolate. The circle was closed not a moment too soon as a faint scratch appeared on my arm just as it was sealed. Mom was at it again.

We knew that the evil Witch had to also be sitting in front of a circle that represented the circle in which I sat. But in order to battle her, we had to know where she was positioned outside of the circle.

Another witch, one of my girls, then took the salt and inscribed a symbol outside of the circle...after that she took an egg in her hands and tossed it towards me and the circle in which I sat. The egg arched through the air and landed across from me, outside of the circle. When it hit the matt it begin to sizzle as if it were frying. We'd found the bitch.

A phantom outline of her appeared, her face twisted in anger. She began chanting a new spell trying to break through my circle...I could feel an enormous pressure building, and I knew that she would soon break through...and then...my ass would be grass.

A bright light welled up inside of me and I held up a single hand, with my wings outstretched, I began chanting loudly...By the Power of Light, By the Power of God! By the Power of Light, By the Power of God! I pushed back agains the pressure and my hand began to glow with a golden light that was outlined in red. I shouted a third time...BY THE POWER OF LIGHT, BY THE POWER OF GOD. The pressure gave way suddenly, and I knew I had to bitch slap the hell out of the witch and teach her to mind her business. I gave her three hard smacks.

And then David woke me up yellin' “WHY ARE YOU HITTING ME.”

P.S. David is the hottie in the tootsie roll outfit next to the scary heifer in the picture above. Teeeheeee.