A Little Bit About Me

My gal pal Divine Grace sent me one of these ridiculous questionairres via Facebook. Her answers were, well, hilarious. I figures since 1) it's nice sometimes to share a bit about myself with my readers that isn't angry or overly deep, and 2) I am exhausted after playing gay softball from 8am until about 12pm and then working out for an additional two hours, and 3) since I just made and ate a kick ass dinner, and 4) I am lazy as hell, I thought I would repost the survey I answered right here.

By the way...Divine has an amazing blog that is so so wrong yet oh so damn right. Click on her picture, and it will, like the song, take you there.

So here it is, the survey Miss Divine sent my way. Thanks Sugar...you owe me 20 minutes of my life that was sucked into a great Survey Hell Vortex.


1. What time did you get up this morning? 7:32am

2. How do you like your steak? If it isn't still mooing it's overcooked.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (I vomited 15 times during the movie)

4. What is your favorite TV show? Is that the box with the moving pictures that tells me stories?

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? In the land where Rivers are made of cosmopolitans and lakes are filled with fried chicken and collard greens.

6. What did you have for breakfast? A banana...big...thick....long...

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Hmmmmmmmm I love NOOOOODLES. Thai, Vietnamese, but not Chinese...too short.

8. What foods do you dislike? Dirt.

9. Favorite Place to Eat? (I almost peed myself at Divine's response to this one)...preferrable at the kitchen table.

10. Favorite dressing? Creamy Italian...or a Creamy Puerto Rican.

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? I don't think riding the subway counts as driving.

12. What are your favorite clothes? If it doesn't have a hole in the crotch and soy sauce stains on it...I'm good.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Uranus or any anus for that matter.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? I prefer to take my fluids intravenuously.

15. Where would you want to retire? By the time I am old enough to retire...the retirement age will have been raised to "dead."

16. Favorite time of day? Dawn/Dusk...it's when the vampires know to wake up and go to bed.

17. Where were you born? Duluth, Minnesota...I can pretty much promise I was the only mixed race, black, white, puerto rican, and native american born there in 1977....or since.

18. What is your favorite sport to watch? Anything where the guys have round butts and small tight shorts.

19. Who do you think will not tag you back? President Obama

20. Person you expect to tag you back first? Michael Jackson

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? Chastity...I mean Chaz...Bono

22. Bird watcher? Only after I've had too much absinthe.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person? I only wake up at Noon and Midnight.

24. Do you have any pets? David.

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? I qualified for projecticle vomting for the 2012 summer games.

26. What did you want to be when you were little? A Vampire

27. What is your best childhood memory?Have you seen my childhood?

28. Are you a cat or dog person? Dogs....whether on two legs, four legs, or doggie style.

29. Are you married? I ain't got no ring yet...at least not one above my penis.

30. Always wear your seat belt? Man...I grew up watching those crash test dummy commercials. Heck yeah.

31. Been in a car accident? A fender bender.

32. Any pet peeves? PEOPLE WHO SMACK THEIR FOOD SHOULD BE GUTTED AND FORCED TO EAT THEIR OWN INTESTINES.

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings? Anything I can fit on top of it made of once living flesh.

34. Favorite Flower? Sunflower. What. I'm gay.

35. Favorite ice cream? Vanilla with chocolate covered almonds. Same way I like my men.

36. Favorite fast food restaurant? Burger Queen

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test? Never. Of course, I didn't take it til I was 23.

38. From whom did you get your last email? Lynne Serpe candidate for NY City Council from Astoria

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Christopher Street Adult DVD

40. Do anything spontaneous lately? I just farted.

41. Like your job? Love it.

42. Broccoli? Love it.

43. What was your favorite vacation? College.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with? Nasia

45. What are you listening to right now? I farted.

46. What is your favorite color? Cash Money Green.

47. How many tattoos do you have? Uno...for now.

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz? A few.

49. What time did you finish this quiz? Unfortunately, it hasn't ended yet.

50. Coffee Drinker? I brew my own...it comes out if you squeeze my left nipple.

Minnesota Part One: Isn't It Romantic?

So a lot of life has happened since last I wrote. Iran had an election, and, in keeping with recent U.S. tradition, we still don’t know which candidate is president. The New York State Senate is still in a deadlock with a locked chamber and a bunch of lunk heads screaming at each other on NPR. Obama caved on the Defense of Marriage Act but signed an executive order extending benefits to the domestic partners of federal employees, and Chastity Bono is a big old tranny named Chaz (I called that one ages ago).

As The World Turns…

Last week, David and I began a whirlwind tour through the great state of Minnesota. Speaking of not knowing election outcomes, Al Franken has not yet been declared the winner of my home state’s Senate seat, but Norm Coleman has been ordered to pay roughly $100,000 in Franken’s court fees since Coleman lost several appeals already. Teeeheee.

David and I hit the tarmac running…shortly after arriving, we found ourselves surrounded by bright sunshine and a rental car. We cruised down 35E to St. Paul, with a quick stop for some Taco Hell. And by Hell I mean that once that grade D beef hit my lower intestines, the gates to Hell opened in my anus and let forth a stench like the Devil’s breath after rimmin’ a dirty hole with a yeast infection. It was just that nasty.

We got to downtown St. Paul, and we met up with my old friend Aaron Keith. A big old delicious hunk of a mocha man with vocal chords that could melt butter. AK was a dear heart and volunteered to loan us his condo while we were in town. He went off to stay with his boyfriend Jerry (we’ll talk about her in a minute), and he gave us the keys to the condo. It was spectacular. After a quick shower and change, David and I headed off to have dinner.

We shot down 35W and headed to Powderhorn Park. The best damn neighborhood in Minneapolis. There, tucked onto a street just across from the park, is the Purple House…home of Susan and Rocki and Luca and Flo and Kelly Brazil. At any given time, I have known Susan and Rocki to have anywhere from two to six roommates in addition to their daughter Luca, cat Patzo, and a couple different canine inhabitants. Also a gecko…we can’t forget the gecko. We were met on the sidewalk by a jump ropin’ Luca Peluca head. I scooped her up and gave her a bear hug. She jumped down and darted into the house…and out came Mrs. Raffo-Simoes…who gave me one of those love hugs that reaches right inside of you and makes everything absolutely ok. I introduced her to David, and it was love at first site between him and her. That made me happier than a clam in the ocean with plenty-o-plankton to eat.

Susan made up a lesbo-licious batch of goodness…some roots and berries and the like. Rocki came home, and I about did a high kick….and we all sat and visited and caught up. Just being near Susan and Rocki changes my whole outlook on life…I can be the saddest most forlorn creature…a spittin’ image of Gollum and those two, without coddling or condescending, turn me right back into a jolly furry footed hobbit. And I got the hairy toes to prove it.
We left Susan and Rocki’s well fed and wishing Susan well as she was leaving on the MS 150 bike ride from Minneapolis to Duluth the next afternoon. After some sidewalk chalk time with Luca and a surprise visit from Nicole and Alejandra, we headed back to St. Paul.

Aaron Keith is an amazing jazz singer, and it just so happened that he had a gig directly across the street from the condo. Now, by the time we arrived, David and I were about to fall over from exhaustion. Jet lag between the East Coast and the Midwest is a bitch

The bar where AK was performing looked like a cross between a Hooters and an old Prohibition speak easy. I was waiting for Dillinger and a go go dancer to walk in at any moment. Instead we walked in to find Aaron Keith croonin’ and Jerry, his boyfriend, channelin’ his inner Negro.

About seven or eight years ago, I was dating a guy named Rich. On Valentine’s Day, Rich and I went to see Aaron Keith perform at Jazzmine’s in downtown Minneapolis. At the time, AK sang “Isn’t It Romantic,” to us. I have been hooked ever since. I love that song, and I love his arrangement of the song. Moments after walking in, AK said to the audience that he had a friend in from New York City (doing his best Pace Picante Sauce voice)…and then broke into the song. At the end he looked out and said that I must have an old soul to love that song. Later that night, while having dinner at Mickey’s Diner, I was singing another old song from the juke box, and an elder woman came over and asked me how I knew the words to that song…saying, “That song is from when I was a girl.” I may have been born in the 70’s but my soul was manufactured around 1935.

But back to Aaron Keith…or more specifically…his boyfriend Jerry. Jerry was a trip. The man is one of those white guys that loves black men and, after a couple of drinks, turns as black on the outside as they feel on the inside. Jerry tried to get really ghetto on me, and I had to ignite my inner negro and shut him down. Which I did. Rather quickly. You may feel black on the inside. And lord knows you have had enough black inside of you…but I am black…step biyotch. Jerry was fun. A little over the top (which is about the only thing about him that is a top)…but he was fun. And…I can see why AK tears that booty up.

After returning to the apartment and discovering that somehow in the preceding hour our key had ceased to function, we returned to the bar, got AK, and got our asses into the apartment and into sweet oblivion. I am exhausted just remembering it, and that was just day one of our Minnesota super tour. Rah rah for Ski-u-Mah!