Don't Let Me Kill A Homo At the Gym

Lord help me, but I am about to go ape shit on a homosexual.

Let me tell you a little story about a Fagatron on whom I am about to go Optimus Prime. There is this midget queer at my gym that I have seen on several occasions. I have seen him on those several occasions because he basically is at the point of stalking David.

Now, I do not mind when a gay pays some attention to my man. David is hot, and if you are ever so blessed as to see him naked, you will also worship at the Berube Booty Shrine. So I don’t begrudge a homo now and again takin’ a peek at David’s goodies. As a matter of fact, if the guy is hot enough and polite enough and asked nicely, I would probably give him permission to play with ye hot booty…as long as I get to watch.

But, now and again, comes along a motherfucker that loses their goddamn mind. And today was NOT the day to get stupid around me.

This little bizatch, who has a remarkably beautiful body, is obviously used to being able to claim what he wants, when he wants, regardless of who is around or their relationship situation. I had chalked it up to bad manners that he would do shit like hop on a machine directly next to David. And, though I wanted to beat him with a free weight today when he decided to position himself right behind David to do some ab exercises, all the while dipping and ducking his head in the mirror in order to catch David’s eye, I restrained myself.

But when this poop butt bitch motherfucker spins around and literally looks at me and then makes it a point to stare up in David’s ass as he climbed into the shower, the little Caucasian meat sack crossed the line from ill-mannered flirt to disrespectful fucknut.

I am pretty mild mannered. I occasionally get angry, but you really have to do something stupid to make my body vibrate. Today, if someone had walked past me with a seismograph that little needle would have ripped a hole in the paper.

I was seething in the shower. I got out, walked to the locker, and the little jacktard anal drip is standing in the mirror preening. David walks up, Little Doggie Style swings his eyes back to David’s ass, and I had a minor explosion. In good Minnesota passive aggressive manner, I announced loudly, to the entire locker room, that I was tired of disrespectful faggots that see a man, know he is with someone else, and decide to act like a motherfuckin blue nosed baboon, turn their ass bright red, and start dripping man menses on the floor. While little dude is fit, I could step on the little trick and grind his ass into the ground if I must. And, if he steps out of line again, I must.

Addressing my jealousy in a situation where there is innocent and respectful flirtation happening is one thing. But when you cross the line into the Land of Blatant and Intentional Disrespect, I got a passport stamp that says Whoop His Ass on it.

Try me and see if I’m playing.

Hot Daddy Part II: Here Comes Daddy

So, since there was quite a bit of interest in the saga of Hot Daddy, I thought I would provide all you voyeurs an update.

Today, I have basically been vibrating with extra energy. I couldn't sit still. I looked like an ADHD kid that had been given a shot of meth directly to the brain. I was in the laundromat with David this morning, and if you had hooked an electrode to my skin and touched it to the circuit breaker, I could have powered the entire damn place by myself.

David was folding laundry, and I was basically using all my will power to make him fold faster...as I was afraid that I was about to physically jump out of my skin and run screaming around the laundromat shreaking "WALOOLOO LOOO WALOOO LOO LOO" at the top of my lungs.

I ain't trying to get sent to the nut ward at Mt. Sinai.

Anywho, we got back in, ate lunch, and I decided that I would lay down. David decided to be off to the gym. I tried to fall asleep but at 3pm, at the time when the elementary school across the street gets done for the day, the damn ice cream man shows up with his ridiculous music.

If I had a shotgun, he would be a dead ice cream man right now. Hey kiddies...how about some Grey Matter Ice Cream. Delicious!

Anywho, so after about an hour, I decided to get up and go to the gym. I wasn't sure if David would still be there or not. I changed into my gym clothes, and no sign of that man of mine. I walk out of the locker room and there he is...HOT DADDY.

I got on the suicidal cardio machine, and Hot Daddy starts using a machine behind me. Of course the wall in front of me is ALL mirrors...and Hot Daddy is obviously not wearing any underwear and obviously half "cocked." Hot Daddy could also be called Very Very Big Daddy.

Anywho, I head downstairs to lift weights, and as I hit the first landing, I look back up and there is Hot Daddy lookin' down at me. I smile, and realize I had left my music making instruments in my locker, so I duck back inside and who should I run into the shower area but my baby boo. I give him a kiss, and wink, and grab my gear, and head back out.

On the floor, I see Hot Daddy seeing me. And after a few minutes, he turns and heads into the locker room. My Mama didn't raise no fool...so I followed on after. David is dressed and leaving, smiles, and says "Hot Daddy is back at the lockers. Have fun," and then giggles.

I will spare you the pornographic details, but, suffice it to say that I saw Hot Daddy in action, and sweet Jesus I was not disappointed. There were a few people in the steam today, and Hot Daddy clearly was interested in me. Enough said on that subject.

After showering, I get dressed and here comes His Royal Hottiness. He smiles and says, "You got left behind today."

I replied, "Oh, you saw my partner?"

He said, "Yes. Your boyfriend is a shy one."

I would not describe David as shy.

"Naw....he is just direct in a different way that I am."

"Awww...well by how I judge those things you are very direct. You always make eye contact."

"Well, that's because David and I both think you are adorable."

"Adorable?" He chuckled his pecs flexing, "I think you can only describe people under 30 as adorable."

"Well choose the adjective you like...we both think you are hot."

The man actually blushed. "Well thank you for the compliment."

I then introduced myself, and he introduced himself to me. We chatted for a few more minutes, and I explained the nature of my relationship to him...which made him smile even more broadly.

And then, just before leaving he let on that he had been at the gym in the morning a couple of days before and hadn't seen us there (Ummmmmm he noticed we were missing...excellent)...

and then he asked...

"Will you boys be here in the morning?"

"Oh yes."

"I will see you then."

I smiled, nodded, and walked out.

I basically sprinted home to tell David the story. The rest of the conversation between David and I is privileged information...but...let it be known...that I was not the only happy one with today's events.

The rest of the details, though, are for participants only. Use your imagination, and then turn it up a notch...it's even better than that ;-)