Saturday, December 13, 2008

Barack Obama Appoints Jesus to Cabinet

(This article was written for )

In a stunning news conference today in Chicago, Barack Obama announces the newest member of his cabinet: Jesus H. Christ.

The President-elect made an appearance with Jesus at a press conference saying, “There has been wide-speculation, since the primary race, concerning my religious affiliation. Today, I am appointing Jesus Christ as Secretary of Metaphysical Affairs and White House Chaplain. It is my hope that with this appointment, rumors over my religious affiliation will be laid to rest.”

Jesus H. Christ, whose middle name is also Hussein, took a few questions from reporters, but refused to give the date of the Rapture, the Resurrection, or Armageddon. He did, however say, “It is a great honor to serve in this administration. Throughout the campaign. Mr. Obama prayed to me diligently. Sometimes I walked by his side. Sometimes I carried him. This cup is a much less bitter cup from which to drink.” He said, alluding to scripture and his brief conversation with his Father just before the crucifixion.

Immediately, there were strong reactions from both the right and the left. Senate Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell, said in a brief statement, “This nation was founded on Judeo-Christian values. And it is an honor to have Christ serving in the West Wing.”

The ACLU immediately filed suite in Federal Court to block the appointment of Jesus. ACLU President Nadine Strossen released this strongly worded statement, “This is the most egregious violation of the separation of church and state that has ever been attempted. To have the Son of God serve in the White House is clearly unconstitutional. The Founding Fathers are rolling over in their graves.”

Jesus would neither confirm nor deny whether or not, in fact, the Founding Fathers were indeed rolling over in their graves.

President-elect Obama responded, “Secretary Christ will serve as a spiritual advisor and as advisor on metaphysical affairs. I respect the diversity of religious faith in this nation. I do not advocate establishing a state religion. And, as such, I will be nominating the Buddha as Ambassador to India.”

The office of the Dalai Lama was contacted regarding the announcement of the Buddha as ambassador, but the Dalai Lama was not available for comment.

“In the end,” spoke President-elect Obama, “I hope this will lay to rest rumors that I am a Muslim. My Father was Muslim, but I was raised in a Christian household, in a Christian family, and I stand by my Christian faith. In fact, I am standing right next to Jesus Christ.” The President-elect put his arm around the Way and the Life for a photo opportunity.

In further remarks Jesus said, “I hope, also, this will clear up a few things. To begin with, I am, indeed Black.”

Reverend Jeremy Wright, responded, “I always knew Jesus was a black man. And now it is confirmed. Praise God. Praise God.”


  1. you almost got me

    this is awesome piece of "history"

  2. Obama got Jesus! What a score. I mean, really, Jesus! This guy walks on water...literally. I would like some insight into the things mentioned.

    I vote Brandon gets the exclusive sit down, no-holds-barred one-on-one interview to air primetime on this blog!


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