Wednesday, June 20, 2012

My Shades of Grey

I am a type A Virgo control freak. Now this may surprise most people that only know me on the surface. Most folks that know me think that I am the fun/funny/over-the-top/outrageous/asshole/insert your own invective here human being but few would rarely assume that I, despite the appearance of my bedroom, value and thrive on order and systems. My brain requires systems....the more rules the better....the rules should be based on specific criteria, but there ARE rules...there ARE truths....there ARE wrongs...there ARE absolutes....

Thank God...I am also a Gemini rising and understand that there are also important grey areas....but don't get it twisted...even those are in ummmm...shades of grey....

So though I recognize there are shady areas and queens that love to throw shade, I don't do well with grey. I grew up in a home of survived or you didn't. You ate or you didn't.  Yet logic would tell you that in that environment love couldn't exist....strength couldn't exist...the basis for truth and happiness couldn't exist.

Enter the shades of grey.

Disclaimer: I have never read 50 Shades of Grey, and I am shamelessly using the title/popular culture reference for my own advantage.

My life has been many shades of grey. When I swore I couldn't be loved. Loved showed up. When I swore HE didn't want me. HE showed up. When I swore that I wouldn't get the job. The job showed up. What I believed versus what became true ARE the shades of grey.

I am happy, now to give up some of that control and live in the grey. Tonight....proved, once again, that what I BELIEVED sometimes has less to do with what's real and possible and more to do than what's internal and fucked up...than I am sometimes willing to admit. Control is black and white. LIFE and living is grey.


1 comment:

  1. i think the author of Shades of Grey should be thankful to you for using the title. You improved upon a pop culture smeared phrase with this one.


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