Mom called tonight. Jimmy has been given two weeks to live if he does not continue chemo. He has two months to live if he does. The cancer has spread to his heart and to his lungs. My Mom asked me all of the questions that I poured out in my previous blogs. I couldn't give her any answers. I don't have any answers.
What do you do when death is staring you in the face? It is one thing to lose someone unexpectedly. My Grandma, bless her, is over 80, if she passed away I would be sad, but she is an elder, and it would not be a surprise. Jimmy is 29 years old. He is a good man. I saw him this summer when he was in remission. He looked like he was going to kick this thing in the ass. And now, less than two months later, the cancer is not only back, but he is going to die. What is my Aunt Susie going to do? What about Uncle Joe? And his older brother Joey? His identical twin Ed?
When I was growing up, the best thing my Mom could say to me was that Aunt Susie and Uncle Joe were going to drive up from Beloit to Duluth and would be at Grandma's house. No matter what was going on in my life, that would make me happier than I could imagine. Jimmy, Eddie, my brother Jason, and I were inseparable during the summers and at holiday time. I can't remember if it was Jim or Ed but I learned to ride a bike on one of their bikes. As a matter of fact, I wasn't able to stop until I slammed into my Grandparent's garage door.
Growing up I would get so angry, because whenever my Mom or I would talk about an achievement I had made, my grandma would counter with Eddie or Jimmy did this or that. I thought my Grandmother only loved them. Until, I found out, that she did the same thing to them but with me. If Aunt Susie would say, Jimmy won this or that award, my Granny would say...ahh but Billy did this or that.
I can't cry right now. I started to, but I can't. Not this time. Not while he is still alive.