Sunday, May 9, 2010

Rookies vrs Diablitlos and Renegades: Booty Shorts and Titty Twisters

Holy softBALLS it was cold today, and the wind was blowing directly out of the Cold Miser's asshole. The patch of skin below my bottom lip is chapped, and I am still chewing grit six hours after the last game ended. Steve Herrick showed up in shorts, and I thought we were going to have to rub Scottie's legs together to get a fire going to stave off hypothermia.

Despite playing in near arctic conditions with siroccos wheeling across the field as if we were in Iraq instead of Red Hook, the games were a blast.

The first gay(me) was against the Diablitos (please refer to my previous blog post about our match up against them and Captain Prison Porn). Today...the Diablitos got their ASSES handed to them. While Captain Prison Porn was still smacking balls this way and that, by the end of the third inning, the lead was 11-4 Rookies. On the way to the field, I'd found an old kung-fu grip GI Joe in the tall grass. I set up this little butch dude as our mascot by attaching him to the fence in our dug out. I attribute his mystical powers with sapping the Diablitos of their strength. That and they only had nine players and were missing at least one of their super stars.

That didn't stop Captain Prison Porn from sliding on his side across half of the outfield to catch a fly ball, which he did, and which caused Scottie's booty to vibrate, and Noah's shaved head turned bright red sort of like one of those blue nosed baboons butt's when its horny.

Later, in the second game, Roy decided to try to pull the same maneuver but since his legs had frozen into ice blocks, he just fell over. Noah's head turned as green as Joe's 1982 windbreaker that he obviously stole from the costume closet from the set of Breakin' Two: Electric Boogaloo.

But I am getting ahead of myself.

The first game saw two amazing double plays starring Mason and Vinnie, but the true star of the show was Antony the Straight who, in the first game, and his first time ever pitching, struck out four, count 'em, four people on his own. There is a Rookie's tradition that when you strike someone out, you get a titty twister from someone in the infield. By the end of the first game Antony's name had been changed to Purple Nurple, and Reggie was screaming, "KEENEY WHO?" (for you lay people, Scott Keeney is our regular pitcher who happens to be sunning it up on the island of Elba for the next three weeks...I'd like to wish him safe travels, but I am too bitter and jealous to do that).

What? What?

The final score of the first game was something like 16 to 8 or around that mark. The Diablitos got the butt whoopin' they deserved for having half their team being fresh from the Mets training camp.


The second game was not as pretty. And by not pretty, reverse the score I just mentioned, then halve our runs and double theirs and you will have something around what the final score was.

The highlight of the second game was when dear Scottie, who, when there isn't an Ice Age forming above the fields, wears some booty shorts that gets my bait and tackle doing a little samba in my britches. During the first game, he was a demure princess and kept his sweat pants on (though strategically hiked up to show a little ankle), but since we were playing the number one ranked team for the second game, we had to pull out the secret weapon: Scottie's pert little boogina.

One of the many reasons that I adore Scottie is that he knows how to work his ASSets and is proud of it. First he strips down to his black boxer briefs that leave little to imagination and let's everyone know the exact shape and shade of his religion. Then he puts on his poom poom shorts, followed by the "bend and snap," and then tops it off with a ho stroll.

Then someone has the brilliant idea to have Scottie trot out and fetch the bat from whomever had just run to first base. I didn't notice who it was since I was too busy oogling the team goodies. Not only did Scottie get the bat, but also he got a NINE bat salute from the opposing team, if you know what I mean. The pitcher's jaw dropped so hard and fast that it left a crater in the dirt, and I doubled over laughing so hard that I farted.


In the end, though we lost our second game in points, we won it in style and sass. At one point Reggie was channeling Suzanne Sugarbaker and was twirling a bat like she was in the Miss Georgia pageant, and though the lights stayed on in Georgia, the spirits were way up in Red Hook.

Thanks for an AWESOME round of games Rookies. See you next week.

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