PLEASE NOTE....THIS BLOG IS A PURE VENT/RANT. Proceed at your own risk.
Let's do a quick recap.
My cousin Jim died from leukemia in September 2008
My friend/mother of choice Mrs. Mona Harris died of colon cancer in 2009
My best friend Chris killed himself last summer
My beloved friend Tiffany died from a sudden heart attack at the ripe old age of maybe 43 last fall.
My Honey Bun (Aunt Sis) is dying from bone cancer and has been in and out of intensive care for the last month.
I am so fucking sick and tired of death and I have a special hatred of cancer. I get that death is a part of life. I understand and believe that this life is only part of our spiritual journey. I understand that everything, including myself, will die one day.
Fuck philosophy and all that esoteric go into the light bullshit. I want my friends and family in THIS life. Thank you very much. God has enough folks to entertain him and can hold off on collecting any more folks that I love for the next 50 years or so. Is that selfish? HELL YES!
I mean come on. Really come on. My Honey Bun has lived a full and beautiful life. That woman survived the segregated South and raised three beautiful children AND, when my Dad's Mama died at the age of 31 from leukemia, she and my great-granny raised my Dad. Until this bone cancer really started to affect her, Honey Bun was still cleaning houses to pay her bills. That woman has earned an easy retirement full of joy and the love of her grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and her great-nieces and nephews. She should be sitting on her front porch in Ronceverte, WV drinking little glasses of wine or mason jars of blackberry brandy and telling us all stories about her life, embarrassing stories about our parents, and reminding us of how much beauty there is in our history despite the legacy of slavery and Jim Crow.
That woman should get to die peacefully without pain at around the age of 115...and until then she should be physically fit and living her life on her own terms just the way she always has. Let her drop dead because her heart is so full of joy it can't handle it anymore and stops beating.
The same goes for Mrs. Harris, Chris, Tiffany, and Jim. Bring them back and let them have the love and joy that they deserved! BRING THEM BACK RIGHT NOW (but not as zombies...that wouldn't be right). Stupid fucking Lazarus got to come back to life, and he didn't do shit to earn that.
I am just tired of death and pissed off by it. None of these people have left this life or are leaving this life because it was their time. They are leaving it because some asshole corporation spent years dumping toxins into the atmosphere and water and their bodies couldn't resist it. Chris is the exception, but don't get me started on the stigma of mental health, HIV and addiction, his death was just as unnatural as all the others. And Tiffany was a black woman in America...enough said.
I am tired of folks sending me pat sayings and religious bullshit about folks having moved on to glory. Yes. I understand that. I know that they are all happy, and I know my Honey Bun is going to have the biggest damn mansion of all when she gets to Heaven, her traveling shoes are going to be Manolo Blahnik's and her robe is going to be made by Elie Tahari. Great. Lovely. She's earned it. But that doesn't do a damn thing for those of us left behind.
And, newsflash, DEATH IS PERSONAL!
ALL DEATH IS ABOUT EVERY PERSON WHOSE LIFE HAS BEEN TOUCHED BY THE ONE THAT HAS PASSED ON! EVERYONE IS ENTITLED TO THEIR PAIN AND GRIEF! NO ONE OWNS THE DEATH OF A LOVED ONE! NO ONE! NO ONE! NO ONE! NO ONE! NO ONE!
No one gets to negate my pain or sadness because his or her pain or sadness is greater. My mourning does not take away from, detract from, or lessen anyone else's.
I blame Nurse Jackie for this blog. That damn show is amazing, and the actors should all win Emmy's...and then they should hand them to me, so I can beat them all to death for making me cry. Those deaths would be justified. Just saying.
Anyway...there was no point to this blog entry besides venting some shit out. I feel much better now. Thank you.
...well that is certainly a great deal of loss captured in this post...
ReplyDelete...I believe one of the hardest things for me getting older is the frequency in which I must "say goodbye" to people in my life as opposed to being introduced to them...
...thanks [as always] for your words...
- David
Thanks Rourke ;-). I am learning to let it out in rants instead of in other less healthy ways.
ReplyDeleteAnd, I totally know that as I get older, I will have to deal with more loss...but I am only going to be 34 this year damn it!
April 4, 2005. Grandma Jonnie. Pancreatic Cancer. FUCK CANCER.
ReplyDeleteMy mom is a wonderful, amazing person that fits perfectly into your description your Honey Bun (other than being a white women and in the north).
I am so grateful that she got to meet her grandson, my little guy, Ian. She should have had the opportunity to meet her grand daughter, my little girl, Ella. She always wanted a little girl.
Thank you for writing this. I've got tears rolling down my cheeks with Ian laying next to me watching cartoons remembering the days when I was little laying next to my mom.
You rock. God bless you. Keep taking care of the people you love!
You are young to have dealt with so much close and tragic death, Brandon, so you have the right to own that. I'm almost 10 years older than you and I haven't had that many close loved ones die -- yet. Ironically, I'm the only one of my mom's kids she trusts to talk with her without freaking out about end-of-life issues (wills, cremation, etc.)
ReplyDeleteNikki Giovanni complained at a lecture I went to about how people don't want to allow folks to mourn, giving her own mom's death as an example. She was like f--k all this "home-going celebration" mess and "God called them home" crap, too. "My mama died--I want my mama!" she cried out.